The Simpsons · Season 12
[answering phone] 9-1-1. This'd better be good.
I just cut off my husband's thumb!
ATTEMPTED MURDER?! YOU'LL BURN FOR THIS! BURN IN JAIL!
It was an accident!
Yeah, yeah. Save it for "Dateline: Tuesday." Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you?
Arrest me? Um, my address, it's um, 1-2-3... Fake Street.
[writing address down] 1-2-3 Fake Street. Okay see you soon!
Inflammable means flammable? What a country!
[As Homer walks to Shelbyville]
[gets his severed thumb out of the pickle jar, groans] It's too late. [throws away Moe's jar of pickles] Well, old friend. We always knew this day would come. Say goodbye to your brother. [the robot explodes from distant] What the hell?! [Linguo's head lands near him; gasps and picks up Linguo] Linguo! Dead?!
Linguo...is...dead. [powers down]
[Homer closes Linguo's eyes]
Son of a diddly.
Mr. Teeny [last lines; subtitled, to audience]: This plot makes no sense. Tell the people.
May the Lord have mercy on your gas-sniffin' orphan-beatin' souls.
Christ be with you.
[while cleaning Ned's room to get rid of all the things that remind him of Maude]
Hey, don't throw that away. It's Rod's first tooth!
You're right. We could use this for witchcraft.
That's not my uncle Lou. And this man's not dead.
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
That's just gas escaping. [pushes Moleman back into the cabinet]
But you don't have to worry about the bill. We've never welshed on a- Look, a bear! Run!
[Homer gets up out of his wheelchair, but his leg snaps. He collapses and screams in pain. A bear suddenly appears and looks concerned for Homer's health]
[Flanders comes over to pick up Rod and Todd]
So, did you boys have a good time?
Yeah, Mr. Simpson was really funny.
He told us how the world keeps screwing him over.
[describing Homer's actions] He's jumping out of the car, Kent! He's trying to climb over the fence! Now he's realizing he's too fat. He's digging a hole like a dog. Now he's given up on that and he's running back and forth. He's climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck. His legs are dangling in a comical fashion. Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen.
Arnie, Arnie, how are the children?
I can't see through metal, Kent!
[Lisa and Marge are watching Homer getting operated on]
So many times we've seen Dad go under the knife.
Marge [while holding a card]: One more, and I get a free hysterectomy.
Homer, I'm afraid you've torn out your anterior cruciate ligament.
Did you say an-terior?
Yes.
[Homer screams in pain]
You shouldn't have ordered all those hospital haircuts and porno films.
But Dr. Screwlittle sounded like a delightful romp.
[in a video of him chasing Bart down the street with a flail] I'll mace you good!
Bart (in the video): Aah!
Hey! That is completely taken out of context! (gets onstage): Why you little... [angrily strangles Bart]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
