The Simpsons quotes

Marge

[grumbling and mopping in the kitchen] Who left these muddy claw prints on my clean floor?

Homer

Sorry, Marge. Pinchy got all dirty in the yard chasing birds. But don't worry! I put him in a nice hot bath.

Bart

[sniffs the air] Hey, what smells so good?

Homer

Yeah... [with growing realization and horror] Pinchy? Pinchy?! Oh...! PINCHY!!!!!!

Homer

Oh, man, that's good...! [sob] Pass the butter?

Bart

[passing it] Are you gonna eat that all by yourself?

Homer

Uh-huh. Pinchy would've wanted it this way. My dear, sweet Pinchy...! [takes a bite] No more pain where you are now, boy. [breaks the lobster's body in half and sucks out the meat] Oh God, that's tasty! I wish Pinchy were here to enjoy this! [sobs and takes more bites] Oh, Pinchy...!

Grampa

Can I go to the bathroom before we leave?

Homer

Oh, we gotta get home. I don't wanna miss Inside the Actors Studio. Tonight it's F. Murray Abraham.

Grampa

But I really...

Homer

F...MURRAY...ABRAHAM!

Well, I gotta hand it to you, Homer, you're really brave to go through with this operation.

Homer

It's not an operation, Moe. The doctor says it's just a procedure.

No, no, no - making polenta, that's a procedure. You're talking about deadly life-threatening surgery here.

Homer

[worried] Really? You think It's dangerous?

Carl

Oh yeah, and even if you survive the operation--

Homer

Procedure! Deadly procedure.

Carl

Whatever; the point is, with only one kidney, you won't be able to drink yourself stupid no more.

Homer

Now you're just trying to scare me.

Plus, they'll put you on one of those organ donor sucker lists. Everyone who wants an eyeball or a spine or a vestigial tail will be after ya!

Homer

But I don't want that!

Listen, I'm just gonna get right to the point here - can I have your buttocks? I mean, if you die. They look pretty comfortable.

Homer

Yeah, I guess...

Carl

And, uh, are those your original lips?

Homer

Well, actually I-- Hey! Quit harvesting me with your eyes! [storms out of the bar]

[watching him leave] Oh yeah, that would look so good on me!

Homer

Marge, I've been thinking - what if instead of donating one of my old worn-out kidneys, I gave Grampa that artificial kidney I invented?

Marge

Homer, that was just a beer can with a whistle glued to it.

Homer

If I die during the operation, will you do one thing for me?

Marge

Oooh, anything, sweetheart.

Homer

[serious tone] Blow up the hospital.

Grampa

Am I dead yet?

Marge

No.

Grampa

How about now?

Marge

[losing patience] No.

Grampa

Now?

Marge

I'll tell you when you're dead, Grampa.

Grampa

Thank you.

[in a French accent] I stole this accordion from a blind monkey, but you [spits] You disgust even me!

Homer

That's the last time I trust the strangest people on Earth!

Homer

I'm the luckiest man in the world, now that Lou Gehrig's dead.

Mayor Quimby

Oh God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?

[after giving a bribe to Mayor Quimby, and under this some cockroaches start walking] We're working on that 'roach situation, I swear to God!

Mayor

[pauses briefly, then takes the money] Well, you should see the hospital.

Mayor Quimby

Luke, do something! Use your Lightsaber!

What, and break it?! You know George Lucas made me pay for these.

Comic Book Guy

Tell me, how do you feel about 45-year-old virgins who still live with their parents?

Comb the SweetTarts out of your beard, and you're on.

Comic Book Guy

Don't try to change me, baby.

YEEEEEESSSSSS?

Homer

Do you have a table for the mayor?

YEEEEEESSSSS!

Homer

Why do you talk like that?

I had a STROOOOOOKE!

Homer Simpson

[to Bart and Lisa] Hold it, what's your clearance?

Bart Simpson

We just wanna get a snack.

Homer Simpson

Access denied.

Bart

But, Dad... [Homer pinches the kids on the shoulder, sending them to the floor, unconscious]

Marge

Homer, I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children.

Homer

They'll be fine in half an hour.