TV show quotes
[After Cecil locks Bob, Bart and Lisa inside the collapsing dam]
Oh, it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless!
[offended] Oh, I see. When it's one of my schemes, you can't foil it fast enough, but when Cecil tries to kill you, [mockingly] "it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless!"
[to Bob and Bart as he is about to blow up the dam with dynamite] There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them.
I'm older, I get the top bunk!
Oh poppycock! I called it at the arraignment!
[Homer answers the door to Ned Flanders]
Homer, I've got a Fozzie of a bear of a problem! See, Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. Well, they must have kneeled in the wrong place, and prayed to the wrong god, because, well, they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort!
Militants, huh? Well, if I were you, I'd kick their asses.
Well, any whodilly-doodle, the embassy says it's a routine hostage-taking, but I have to drive to Capitol City and fill out forms to get them out. Could you possibly watch the kids tonight?
Oh, gee, I'd really love to wanna help you, Flanders, but, uh... Marge was... taken prisoner in the....Holy Land, and, uh...
[tugging at Homer's hand] I'll do it! I'll babysit!
Well, I dunno, Lisa. You're awfully young, and the boys can be a handful. Todd's been pinching everyone lately!
But I'm smart and responsible and my parents will be right next door!
Well, whaddya say, Homer? Can Lisa babysit my kids?
Please, please, please?
Eh, I'll have to ask her. [slams the door]
[When Homer drives through the waterfront at the Squidport grand opening]
I love these pedestrian malls. There's practically no traffic.
Homer, I think you should stop. The mayor's yelling at us.
[shouts] Stop! You idiots!
[Lisa drags Bart upstairs to put him to bed]
Why do you have to make this so hard?
I'm using nonviolent resistance.
Ugh! The idea that you would compare yourself to Mahatma Gandhi...
Who?
[sees Bart eating a bread] I thought I told you to go to bed.
Yeah right, bread. You said go to bread.
[clenched her teeth] I said, go to bed!
Yeah. Go to bread.
B-E-D! BED!
Oh, bed. Oh! Anything you say sis. [leaves the table]
[Lisa twitches her eye, growling, later, Lisa checks on Bart, he is not in his room, Lisa finds Bart jumping on Homer and Marge's bed]
You didn't say which bed!
Go to your bed!
Make me!
I'll make you! [lunges after him, Bart leaps off Homer and Marge's bed]
If you want me, you gotta catch me! [Lisa lunges at him, he leaps backwards] Almost. [Lisa leaps into the floor] Oh, so close.
Bart! [lunges at Bart, until Bart accidentally falls down the stairs, seriously injured himself along the way]
Son of a- [crashes at the bottom and lays motionless]
Oh, my God!
[sees Bart injured] Okay, we'll call it even if I can just have some of that big sandwich. Oh. [nervous chuckle] I'll come back. [leaves]
[Lisa gasps in horror]
[as he enters the bar, carrying a jug of green rat poison] Listen up! This is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are the designated drivers? [Two men raise their hands]. BEAT IT! I got no room for cheapskates.
You can't seriously want to ban alcohol! It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism!
What happened to you Homer? And what have you done to the car?
Nothing.
I don't think it had broken axles before.
Before, before. You're living in the past, Marge, quit living in the past!
[Barney Gumble shows up drunk and puts his face against a diner window]
Hello fishies.[Belches]
[Rex Banner punches the window out with his bare hand and grabs Barney]
Aright rummy, I'm gonna say it to ya plain and simple. Where'd ya pinch the hooch? Is some Blind Tiger jerkin' suds on the side?
[Pause] ...Yes?
[Homer and Bart come out of the basement with another wheelbarrow of bowling balls filled with beer]
Wait a minute, I forgot to make sure the coast was clear. Eh, it's probably clear, let's go.
[Homer walks forward with the wheelbarrow of bowling balls, but stops when Marge and Lisa are stood in the way. He shrieks and the wheelbarrow falls over, with the bowling balls sprawling on the floor and the beer pours out.]
Beer!
I can explain, Marge! Please let me explain! OH WHY WON'T YOU LET ME EXPLAIN?!
You're the one the papers have been talking about. That mysterious Beer Baron who's been supplying Springfield with alcohol. How have you been getting away with this?
Well... and I can explain remember. I fill the balls with beer that I found at the dump, then bowl them, and some underground pipes stick 'em into Moe's.
Homer, that's very clever!
Huh?
[surprised] Mom?
Well it is. I've known your father since high school and this is the cleverest thing he's ever done. Besides, he's only breaking a silly 200-year old law.
It is silly, Marge. And look at all the money I'm making!
[Homer shows Marge the dollar bills.]
Ooh!
Mom! Prohibition may be unpopular, but it's the law, and we still have-
[Homer, Marge and Bart point upwards.]
GO TO YOUR ROOM LISA!
What kind of pet shop is full of rambunctious yahoos, and hot jazz music at 1 a.m.?
Umm...Ahh...The best damn pet shop in town.
Ow...! These gears down there really hurt!
[Rex Banner suspiciously eyes passers-by on the sidewalk. He grabs Ned Flanders.]
Are you the Beer Baron?
Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guil-diddly-ilty as char-diddly-arged.
[To Eddie and Lou] He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Bring him in!
[Next, he grabs Comic Book Guy]
Are you the Baron?
Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.
Don't crack wise with me, tubby!
"Tubby?" [looking at his ample gut] Oh, yes. "Tubby."
[Homer and Bart suddenly pass by, towing behind them a wagon full of hops, barley and sour mash.]
Hey, Banner. How's it hangin'?
None of your business.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
