My audience! No! It took me years to grow them! [yelps in pain as his body starts twisting and contorting onto itself] I can't start over! What would that even look like?! Dancing for followers on TikTok?! I haven't written a joke since 1647! And that material has not... aged... well! I blame cancel culture! [shrinks away into nothing]
S34Not It
S34Treehouse of Horror XXXIII
[carrying Maggie to her room] Ah, what a long day. What should we read tonight? "Good Night Escaped Gorilla," "The Pookadook," "What Do You People Do All Day?," "The Pookadook," "S'up, Moon?," "The Pookadook?" Wait, how many Pookadooks do we have? Oh, I guess just one.
S34Step Brother from the Same Planet
I'll sleep when I'm nine.
CCalvin
Psst. Homer. Want to play questions?
Okay. Question number one: Shut up.
CCalvin
[laughs] You're funny. We should go out on our bikes tomorrow. I know this place by the nuclear plant that has the best jumps. Oh, wait. Did you bring your bike?
I don't have a bike, I have a car. And I don't play at the nuclear plant, I work there because I am a grown-up.
S34When Nelson Met Lisa
Remember that principal we arrested for matricide?
[gasps] Skinner killed his mother?
No, mattress-cide. He ripped the tag off his mattress.
The church is eating me.
S34Top Goon
From up here the wads look like ants.
MMoe
Hey, you wanna drop pickled eggs on 'em?
Sure! [Moe hands Nelson a jar of pickled eggs to drop on people]
MMoe
Yeah, Duff lets me use their blimp 'cause I buy up all the booze that the employees drown in.
Pretty sweet for a couple of scuzzes.
MMoe
Yeah, it's a big world down there, kid. And when its back is turned, you can steal anything you want from it. [Looks down as Nelson continues to drop the eggs] Ooh, that egg just hit a cop's horse. Floor it, Jimmy! Floor it!
[Jimmy revs the blimp and hightails it away from danger]
S34The Many Saints of Springfield
Rod, Todd: I found a pregnancy test. Yay!
S34Carl Carlson Rides Again
Don't talk about Moe's. Don't talk about Moe's.
S34Bartless
[At home, Homer and Marge scold Bart for defacing library books]
Thanks to your little prank, 25 library books were ruined. Haven't we told you that books are precious?
I'm afraid to count how many times I've said that.
No, you weren't even there. I was just trying to make it fun for the kid. You never take my side.
Side? Get a load of this kid with a side. [Yells at Bart] How dare you defend yourself? You are the destroyer!
Yes, that's it. The destroyer. You ruin everything, even our holiday picture. [Shows Bart their holiday picture]
There's no such thing as Christmas fangs! I had to wear a scarf to midnight mass.
I don't have a moment when I'm not worried about what you'll do next. [Loses her breath] I can't... I ju... I can't...
Babe, babe, tag me in. I can take him. [Marge tags Homer, and he leaps over the bed] Destroyer. Our house is filled with unexploded pranks. Any toilet seat could be covered in superglue.
[enters the bedroom, carrying a glass of hot dog water] Bart put hot dog water in the ice maker. He's the destroyer!
I just told him that.
Good. [puts the glass on the floor]
[SHL licks the glass]
Ten years as your father has left me empty. Like an orange soda bottle at a picnic sticky and covered with dying bees! I'm just... I c-- I can't...
Babe, babe. [Homer tags Marge and collapses]
Okay, punishments. What's your least favorite vegetable?
Swiss chard. [gasps]
You're looking at a whole lot of swiss chard sandwiches, buster.
[gets up on his feet] And you're never allowed to read a book again!
S34Clown V. Board of Education
[The Simpsons are eating dinner, but Homer tries to take a pork chop and Bart grabs it with the hand glove grabber stick]
You know the rules, boy. In this house, I get the first shower and the last pork chop.
S35Homer's Crossing
So, since Otto has disappeared with our bus, and our brownie pans, parents will have to drive their own children to school.
[parents complain]
Well, fewer of you would have to drive if you sat down and arranged a carpool schedule.
[parents complain harder]
Homer, you just volunteered.
Dear god. No. Stop. Yield.
GGGil Gunderson
Well, he's got the lingo down. This guy's a natural.
God bless that saintly doughball. That's it, I'm giving Springfield's crossing guards an actual budget. Not for self-serving political reasons, but because I'm a man of people who wants to do good in the world.
Perhaps, but on the other hand... [Burps at Lisa in her face, then laughs]
Ugh. Mom!
Gotcha!
Bart, say excuse me.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.