I want a divorce from my parents.
You WHA?!
I said I want a divorce from my parents.
Yes, I heard you. I was just calling my secretary. Yuwah, give me the standard child divorcing parent form.
YYuwah
Yes, sir.
S14Barting Over
Bart, you're suing us?
Yes, I wanna be emancipated.
Emancipated? Don't you like being a dude?
No, Dad, it means Bart would be a legal adult and free to move out of the house.
I wanted a sewing room, but not like this. Not like this!
Mom, you've always been cool to me, but Homer is a lousy dad and I'm not gonna take it anymore.
Hey, my dad was lousy and I didn't sue him. I just dumped him in the cheapest home I could find.
[Cut to the Springfield Retirement Castle where Abraham is on a hospital bed]
AAbe
Hey! My IV is empty, and my catheter is full!
[The employee carelessly switches urine and IV bag in opposite places]
EEmployee
See you tomorrow.
[At the trial, the Blue Haired Lawyer holds up a doll commonly used in child molestation cases.]
BSBart's Lawyer
Bart using this doll, will you show the court where your father stolen money from you?
[pulls out the left pocket of the doll] Here and here. [pulls out the right pocket of the doll]
BSBart's Lawyer
Let the record show he has pulled out the pockets from the doll.
[Homer is nervous and is later seen on the witness stand after Bart's lawyer calls him next]
BSBart's Lawyer
Mr. Simpson, your son alleges that you have an anger management problem.
[angrily turns red] Why you little! [Judge Harm stares at him sternly] I... uh, I'm sorry, judge. That's a rare lapse in my normally calm demeanor.
[disbelieving Homer much to the joy of Bart's lawyer] Could the stenographer please read back the previous statement?
SStenographer
Why you little...
[angrily turns red] Why you little...!
[laughs] The oldest trick in the book!
Why you little...! [to Judge Harm] Why you little...!
[Judge Harm draws Homer being hanged]
No judge would send a pre-teen out on his own.
WOO-HOO! YOU'RE STILL MINE! AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS A BAD DAD BEFORE!
[Eyes narrowed at Homer for rudely interrupting her verdict] Except in this case!
[Homer pulls his shirt collar nervously and cringes]
That boy is about as safe living with you as a crawdad in a gumbo shack. Bart Simpson, I declare you emancipated!
[She slams her gavel]
Further, I hereby garnish Homer's wages until Bart is fully repaid.
[thinking it's food] Mmmmm...garnish.
That means half your paycheck goes to Bart.
What the...half goes to Bart, half goes to my Vegas wife? What's left for Moe?
Homer, don't make things worse!
[turns red in anger] I'LL SHOW YOU WORSE!
[He screams and runs towards Judge Harm, intent on attacking her. The bailiff catches him and punches him.]
[being dragged out by the bailiff and embarrasses Marge] I WAS TOLD THIS WOULD BE TELEVISED!
Please don't go, Bart. I'll let you swear in the house: everything but the Big Three.
Sorry, Mom. I just can't, not as long as he's here. [Bart points to Homer, who hides]
[comes outside to confront Bart] Go ahead. Leave. You'll come crawling back.
[Bart's taxi is driving away as Homer chases after it]
That's right, crawling on your knees. [stops in the middle of the road] Crawling! [sobbing] Oh, he's really gone. [starts crying] He's GONE!
[he continues sobbing into the night. Next to him is a sign that says "Man Sobbing"]
Well, here I am, on my own... and I'm gonna make it, world!
[Bart throws his red cap through a ceiling fan and shreds into pieces. Then a drugs salesman bangs the wall.]
NNeighbor
Be quiet in there! Some of us are trying to sell drugs!
[starting to cry while in the elevator] I'm gonna die in my jammies.
That couch looks really pricey.
Well, you need an expensive couch to watch an expensive TV.
Of course, because you wouldn't want to... [screams] I PAY FOR YOUR SPLENDOR, YOU... [chokes Bart]
[Marge is embarrassed]
Psst! Mr Hawk! May I have a word with you?
THTony Hawk
An extreme word?
Sure. [loudly] MY SON IS BART SIMPSON, AND--
THTony Hawk
I didn't say extreme to the max!
Sorry. I just wanna win my son back so badly.
THTony Hawk
I can relate. I'm a father myself. [sighs] One day they're little shredders, and the next day they're grinding and gnashing their way to college.
Yeah, I make up words too. Anyway, I was wondering if you could pretend to lose to me in a skateboarding contest, so I can be a hero to my boy again.
THTony Hawk
I'll lose millions in endorsements... but okay.
THTony Hawk
You're going down, Homer. Then up. Then down. Then back up again. That's how the game is played.
I can't count how many times your father's done something crazy like this...
[Lisa pulls out a rolling counter which is now at 300]
It's 300, Mom.
I could've sworn it was 302.
Shhh!
Dad, you don't understand. This was never about being cool. It was about you not caring how I felt.
Oh, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard, you stupid little kid!
Homer, you're heading for a parental face-plant! Do a 180 emotional Ollie! [groans as he falls down the skate ramp]
FINALLY, someone explains it to me in words I can understand!
[Homer is embarrassed to learn that the commercial he starred in is an impotency one.]
Nobody will remember it in 50 years.
[50 years later, Homer is dead and his grave has the Impotency Spokesman on it. An elderly Nelson Muntz visits his grave to laugh at him before passing out from the attempt.]
Notes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.