South Park · Season 21
[South Park Elementary; the students and parents are all gathered in the gymnasium]
Students and parents, I know that you are all concerned about the witch who is preying upon our town. And I wanna speak to you all about how to try and protect yourselves. But first, some gentlemen have asked to speak on what they perceive to be a "witch pursuit thing."
That dirty whore! Who does that bitch think she is?! Packing my lunch for me?! Fuck her, dude!
Pissed off at your girlfriend again, huh, Eric?
She's not a girlfriend. She's a controlling, manipulative whore!
That's enough, Cartman! I am so sick of hearing you call Heidi horrible things!
That's because you don't understand how much it sucks to be in a relationship!
Heidi? Turner? The Turners' daughter?
Yeah...
I thought she was with that Kyle Broflovski kid.
What?
I saw them at the park today, holding hands.
Kyle? Kyle?! Kyle!! [a montage begins with five marching happy Kyles appearing] Kyle! Kyle! Kyle Kyle Kyle! [a big red heart appears and breaks, and a line of smiling Kyles marches out of it in shades of pink. Next scene is a Jewish dance performed by hasidim. Next scene is Cartman out on the street striking a match...] Kyle! [...and burning a giant flag on the ground with it.] Kyle! [the flames spread to fill up the screen. The next scene shows a cackling Kyle coming up out of the water like a giant sea monster as Eric and Heidi hold on to each other. Kyle holds a menorah reminiscent of a trident. Next scene is another group of hasidim dancing] Kyle! [next scene is Cartman and Heidi running away, only to be stopped by Kyle popping up before them like an exploding volcano, cackling. Cartman and Heidi turn and run away again, but the ground around them is compromised and Kyle's shadow covers them both as they look up at him. Next scene is back at the dining room at Tolkien's mansion] Kyle...
Yeah, Kyle.
Is it just me, or are things around here getting worse and worse?
It's definitely not just you. I think everyone's in shock that Heidi went back to Cartman.
What keeps driving her back to him? It's so weird.
She's so… mean and angry these days.
People change. They say you become more and more like the person you're with, and I guess it's true with Heidi.
[joining them at the table] Hey, guys. What's up?
[fearfully] Hey, Heidi.
What are you guys talkin' about?
Nothing.
Bullcrap, you're all talkin' about me again. 'Cause you're judgmental bitches. [belches] Ehh…
Heidi, are you okay? It's just… you look…
I look what?
You know, y-you just look…
What? I look fat? Is that what you wanna say, Wendy? Fuck you, bitch!
She's just concerned, Heidi.
[mimicking Theresa] "Mehmehmehmehmehhh, Heidi." I'm just trying to enjoy my lunch here! Can I do it without you guys shitting on all over me?
[enters Mr. Mackey's office] You wanted to see me, Mr. Mackey?
Oh, yes, Heidi. Uh, we just wanted to see if you have transportation to the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend, or if you wanted us to set something up for you.
What?
…Uh, Saturday is the science fair, and, you're the judge for the competition?
Judge a special needs science fair? Ahem, no thanks.
Well, Heidi, is there a problem with you being the judge this weekend?
Uhh, yeah? It's Saturday, and I don't wanna be at school?
But, you're always the judge of the Special Ed Science Fair because you're our best science student.
So, now I'm gonna be punished by being force to judge a bunch of handicapped kids?!
But… Okay, you see, the problem is that you volunteered last month, Heidi. You said you wanted to do it, m'kay?
Well, how can you expect students to commit to things a month in advance?! I don't even know what I want for dinner tonight.
Look, the kids have worked really hard and have done some amazing projects.
You're gonna force me to come to school on a Saturday?!
Heidi, eh… is everything all right?
Oh, what? Are you gonna call me fat now too?! It just so happens I'm a vegan, which means it'd difficult for me to get enough protein, so my body doesn't burn fat, it burns muscle, which makes it look like I'm fat, but I'm actually WAY healthier than any of YOU!
Heidi, you're judging the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend.
Oh, Goddammit!
[Wendy, Isla, Theresa, and Heidi are waiting at the bus stop]
[frustrated] This is bullcrap! How can they force me to be the Science Fair judge?! Now I know how it feels to be a slave!
It's…not exactly like being a slave, Heidi.
Yes, it is! Am I being paid to judge the Science Fair?! No! Do I have a choice?! No! Ooh, yes, massa! Let me judge that Science Fair for you, sir!
God, will you stop?!
Theresa, don't get all aggro on me because you're pissed off your family lives in a trailer.
My family doesn't live in a trailer. We live in a tiny home. My parents downsized to make a smaller footprint on the environment.
That's what I said. Your family lives in a trailer.
There's lots of progressive people living in tiny homes. There's five others on my block.
Right. That's called a trailer park.
[embarrassed] I don't live in a trailer park!
Just don't even respond to her. Just ignore her.
I'll try, but she's such a bitch.
She wasn't talking to you, Heidi.
Oh, looks like Isla has something to say, you guys. Hold on, I'm sure this is going to be really profound. Go ahead, Isla, knock us out with you wit and satire. This should be good, you guys.
[walks up to Heidi] Hey, Heidi, what's up?
[uninterested] Oh, hey, babe, what's going on?
What are you up to?
Nothing, just talking to my girlfriends about tiny homes.
Butters!
[turns around, startled] Oh! Hey!
How would you like to be the judge for the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend?
Uh, I can't. I'm going to a birthday party.
Butters, don't be a dick!
Yeah, don't make up excuses because judging handicapped students sounds terrible.
Yeah, Butters. God.
He's not making it up. It's my birthday party.
Well, then could you invite Heidi, please? She needs an excuse not to have to go to the special needs science fair.
What's wrong with supporting them? They're our friends.
Because nobody wants to be trapped in a gym with Special Ed science.
Actually, some other projects are pretty cool.
Shut up, Kyle! Samesies! [both kiss]
Look, it's all just a complete waste of time. It's not like a Special Ed Science Fair is actually gonna contribute to society.
[pacing around Cartman, upset] What the hell is going on?! Everywhere I turn, people are being given handouts while I'm forced to work my ass off! It's total bullshit!
Yeah… uh… Babe, uh I understand that you're pissed off, but, um, you know, it is recess. Maybe we should relax and have some fun?
[stops pacing] Relax?! How can I relax?! I get straight A's! I ace every test! And who gets all the support?! The Special Ed Department!
[The students are all assembled in the gymnasium as Heidi gives out an announcement, with Cartman standing next to her]
[standing on the podium] Fellow students, I have asked to speak today because of the hypocrisy and bullying that is coming from the administration at this so-called school. It is an outrage that our principal and counselor demand our participation in privileged programs that are outrageously overfunded. Why is it that the school allows funding that only goes to special-needs students? Are the rest of us not special? If we are continually asked to work for no money and ask our parents to pay for our programs, then soon we will all be poor, and forced to live in a trailer park, like Theresa.
It's not a trailer!
Theresa, get over it. You live in a trailer park. It's not a big deal.
Uh, okay, honey. You're kind of getting off topic, sweetie.
What did you say?!
I just… I just want you to stay on point so we can get this over with.
"GET THIS OVER WITH?!" You're supposed to be supporting me!
I am supporting you, sweetheart!
Being supportive doesn't mean you criticize me, asshole! Just forget it! My point is, if the school administration doesn't cancel the science fair, I will see to it that they are all fired for discrimination!
[to PC Principal] She's kind of like Cartman, but with the ability to follow through.
Oh, dude. Bro.
[seeing the water bears adapting] Son of a bitch, we just might have ourselves some fans!
[The NFL Owners, Special Ed Kids, PC Principal, Mr. Mackey, and Cartman all chase after Heidi and corner her in the school foyer while she's carrying the water bears]
Little girl, stop! It doesn't have to end this way.
[coming through] Move aside! Move aside! [panting to catch his breath] Heidi, seriously, you need to listen to me!
[also panting to catch her breath] I don't… have to listen… to anybody!
Yes, yes you do! You need to listen!
Fuck you!
No, fuck you!
Little girl, please! What you have in your hand is very special.
Well, I'm sick of everyone treating me like shit!
Think about the NFL. How much joy it brings to everyone!
Don't listen to them. Give the water bears to me. I deserve all the fame and bitches.
Heidi, you've gotta stop being so angry.
Look, if you- if you don't do it for the NFL, what about humanity? Those creatures are showing the first signs of sentience. Think about what they could mean for science. For medicine. Making people better.
Come on, babe. We all want the old Heidi back.
[looks up at the balcony, noticing Wendy, Theresa, and Isla looking down upon her, looks down at the water bears, then looks up again] Screw all you guys! [chugs down the whole fish bowl, killing the water bears]
[shocked with horror] NO!!!!
Alright, everyone. Listen up. As you all know, we've been looking for a strong woman to take on the role of vice principal at this school. We couldn't be happier with the selection we've made and we're sure she'll be making our school a better place. So with that let me turn over the floor to our new vice principal, Strong Woman. [applause all around]
Thanks everyone. Alright, listen up. [gathers her papers up] I fully appreciate that some of you might be uncomfortable with me being here. Earlier today, I noticed that some faculty weren't sure whether to call me "Miss Woman" or just "Strong." If I were a man, you'd probably address me as Vice Principal Woman, so why should it be any different, huh? We good?
Uhm'kay.
So I've been getting to know some of the students here and I'm definitely hearing a lot of frustration and confusion over issues that all the schools are facing right now. I also spent some time observing in the cafeteria and was pretty shocked by the abusive and intolerant language. [as she speaks, Hootie & The Blowfish's "Hold My Hand" begins to play in PC Principal's head] Not sure if any of you have noticed, but a lot of the girls are eating their lunches out on the playground to avoid being around the toxic environment that's been created. It's my intention to make the cafeteria... P.E. class is another huge problem at this school. The girls' gym outfits seem not to have been updated since the '60s. We have a lot of work to do here. I intend to do it quickly. [in PC Principal's mind, everything around her fades out and all he sees is her against a pink background with hearts everywhere, soon replaced by flowers and leaves, then a blue sky with clouds]
Excuse me uh, I'm sorry, but uh, is anyone else hearing Hootie & The Blowfish like, very very softly?
Yeah, yeah, I hear it.
[rises and walks towards PC Principal] It's, it's coming from over here somewhere.
E-excuse me everyone, I um, I need to get to the restroom. Sorry, I'll be right back. [rushes out the door, and the song disappears with him]
Shut up, Kyle. You sound like your mom.
[on the phone with Mr. Garrison as Donald Trump] Yes, This is Millennials Against Canada.
Yeah, listen, this thing's kind of escalating. You people need to call it quits.
We can't do that, Mr. President. Someone has to do what's right.
What exactly do you want?
What do I want? I want a world... where laughter doesn't come at someone else's expense. Where people can live freely without fear of being farted on. I want a world where you aren't ridiculed for trying to help. A world where a nice girl that I liked isn't turned into another Eric Cartman! These Canadians are in the way of that world, and everything they do and everything they have done needs to be ERASED from the Earth!
Jeez, I got a little chub.
[comforting Tweek] There there, Tweek. Everything is going to be okay.
I saw what I saw, Craig! You have to believe me!
What's going on?
Tweek's having a panic attack.
It was real! He tried to get me!
Who did?
The President!
It's just your imagination, Tweek.
It's not his imagination. I saw him too.
You saw the President?
Out by the quarry. But I didn't believe it. I said, "How could this be?"
"The President?" I saw him too. He had a blue suit and an orange face. He kept asking me "How are my ap-"
"How are my approval ratings?" I saw him too.
Dude, isn't this all really familiar? I saw something just like this on that show called Stranger-
Stranger Things. Stranger Things is the show. I saw it too.
But wait, isn't Stranger Things just like that movie-?
Just like that movie IT.
You saw IT too?
Yeah, I saw IT in the theater.
I saw Stranger Things and IT.
Jesus, I don't think anyone's imagining anything. I think the President IS here. You kids get inside somewhere. I have to warn the town! [gets on his bike and rides off, only to fall on his face] Aw!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
