[walks up to Shelley's room after telling Stan to get off the Internet and go to bed] Shelley, off the Internet. It's bedtime.
Mom, I'm i-chatting with my boyfriend in Montana!
Now, Shelley. [closes the door]
WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!
S12 E6Over Logging
[Next morning… Stan gets out of bed after his alarm clock goes off, but as he gets on his computer, he finds out he's not connected to the Internet]
What the hell?
[entering] Stan! Stan, I gotta use your computer!
What?
My Internet's not working, I gotta use yours. And give Daddy some private time, will ya?
My Internet's not working either.
What?!
[entering with her laptop] Dad, the Internet's not working!
I know that, okay?!
I have to get online with my darling, Amir, before school starts!
[walking up] Randy, I can't get my e-mail to open.
[showing up at the Broflovski residence with his family; desperately] Gerald, please help us!
Randy, what happened?
Our house… it has no Internet!
[horrified] Oh, my God.
[shaking Gerald, violently] YOUR INTERNET'S NOT WORKING, GERALD! FACE IT!
I have to get online before school.
What about Starbucks? They have free Internet.
Right, Starbucks!
Everyone, get your stuff. We can take my car.
[The Marshes and the Broflovskis exit the house and head to Gerald's car]
Hey, is your guys' Internet working?
No! Nobody's is!
[exiting his house, holding up his laptop] WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
Jesus, everyone's gotta go to Starbucks now!
Everyone, in the car. We have to beat them there!
How can there be no Internet anywhere? What's going on?!
Anybody got a Blackberry? Check Drudge Report.
Good idea! [takes out his cellphone] No wait, we can't check Drudge Report! There's no Internet!
There has to be a way to find out what's going on.
We can't! Don't you get it?! There's no Internet to find out why there's no Internet!
S12 E7Super Fun Time
Eric, partner with Butters.
God damn it!
Hold Butters' hand, Eric!
[Butters motions for Cartman to take his hand]
That isn't necessary!
Butters, you are not to let go of Eric's hand until you're both back on that bus! Do you understand?
I understand. [takes Cartman's hand]
All right, let's head in. [leads the way]
You can let go now, Butters.
[firmly] No.
Butters, come on.
No!
[the class is at the center of the village. Around it are a carriage house, the saloon, and the feed and tackle store]
All right kids, go ahead and the visit the charming villagers and learn stuff. (And remember,) Keep track of your partner!
S12 E8The China Probrem
Shoot him, Butters.
No!
You have to shoot him, Butters. He's gonna get all the Chinese, and then kill your parents, do it, do it!
Ah! [shoots a customer in the groin]
CCustomer
Ah! Ow! Owwww!
[Annoyed] Aw...dude. You shot him in the dick.
Huh?
That's not cool Butters. You don't shoot a guy in the dick.
But I was just trying to stop him and you said--
It doesn't matter, Butters! You never shoot a guy in the dick! Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the dick!? That's just...that's just weak...I can't believe you, Butters.
Don't come any closer, we had information that we only trust with the President of the United States.
P1Police Officer #1
The President?
P2Police Officer #2
Alright men, we're going in.
No. God damn it, we're serious, we only talk to the President, stop. Fire a warning shot, Butters.
[Butters shoots the police officer to the groin]
P3Police Officer #3
Ah! Aggh! Owww!
Dude, what the fuck are you doing?
What, what happened?
God damn it, Butters. What did I say shooting guys in the dick?
You said that there was too much competition among existing steak sauces.
What the fuck is wrong with you? That is not cool, Butters, that is not cool. [pauses for a moment] You don't fucking do that! You don't shot a guy in the dick.
Well okay, I'm sorry!
It's not okay, defeating the Chinese won't mean anything, if we do it by going around shooting people in the dick! Goddamn it!
S12 E9Breast Cancer Show Ever
[after seeing Wendy taping a "Breast Cancer Awareness" poster] Look out, everyone, there's some killer titties on the loose. Could've sworn I heard them coming through the roof. Pssh, officer. We need to get an ABP out on those titties. They're too dangerous.
What is your problem?! Breast cancer isn't funny!
Not at all. [does hand puppets] Wendy, we're going to get you, Wendy. For we're boobs; we're going to kill you.
You better shut up, or I'll make you shut up!
Oh, really? What are you going to do about it, Wendy?
I'm going to kick your ass; that's what I'm going to do!
Ha ha! You're going to kick my ass?
That's right! I'm going to kick your ass!
[poses] You wanna throw down, dawg? I'll go down.
You think you're tough?!
What's up? What's up?
I'll smack the shit out of you!
Standing right here. Let's go, bitch.
After school; we fight after school. You got that?!
You're going to fight me after school?
That's right!
You're a chick, dude!
As soon as that bell rings, we do it outside! And you better be there!
Oh, it's on, bitch.
You're gonna fucking die!
[Testaburger residence; Wendy is in her room doing her homework]
[calling from downstairs] Wendy?!
Yeah?
We need to talk you, right now! [Wendy leaves her room and comes downstairs to the living room, she and her husband are both very displeased] Wendy, have you been bullying kids at school?
What? No.
Well, do you want to explain why this little boy's mother had to come talk to us?
[Cartman and his mother are both sitting on the couch while Liane comforts him]
TMr. Testaburger
Did you tell this little boy you were going to beat him up?
You don't understand. He said horrible things.
[sobbing and sniffling] The thing is I totally said I was sorry. But she still wants to beat me up. [grabs Liane's blouse and cries into it as she comforts him]
Wendy, no matter what a person says, you don't respond with violence. Haven't we taught you that?
[still sniffling] The thing is, Wendy, I really think you're awesome, and I know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you, but, I want to be your friend, because I don't have that many friends in schooool. [starts crying even harder as Liane continues to comfort him]
Wendy, you tell this little boy you aren't going to hurt him!
Mom, you don't--
Now, young lady.
[to Cartman] I'm not going to hurt you.
TMr. Testaburger
If there is any word of you fighting at school, it's over for you, missy. Do you understand?
Yes, sir.
We're so sorry about this, Mrs. Cartman.
Oh, no, thank you so much for your time.
TMr. Testaburger
It really won't happen again.
[Cartman looks at Wendy, then makes faces at her and sticks out both his middle fingers, double flipping her off; Wendy gets pissed, but can't do anything now]
You're very sweet. Thank you again. Come on, muffin.
[stops making faces and looks up at her, then joins her as she walks to the front door] Okay, Mommy. Mamamama.
[As Wendy is called over to Principal Victoria's office…]
Wendy, I've been hearing rumors about a fight between you and Eric Cartman?
No, ma'am, there isn't going to be a fight.
Oh, no? Are you sure?
Yes, ma'am.
I see. [gets up from her desk and walks to the window] I noticed all the things you've done for breast cancer awareness month. Did you know I'm a breast cancer survivor?
Ma'am?
I was diagnosed seven years ago. Cancer is... pure evil. It is a fat little lump that needs to be... destroyed. When there is a cancer, you have to "fight" it. You can't reason with cancer, you can't wish it away. Cancer doesn't play by the rules, so neither can you.
S12 E10Pandemic
I don't know what to make of it sir. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. Clearly they are a Peruvian flute band and yet they aren't. They play pan flute music like the others, but they talk and act like one of us.
MCMichael Chertoff
I agree. They're obviously some kind of hybrid.
O1Official 1
A hybrid? Ah how is that possible?
Perhaps a Peruvian flute band mated with one of our females. Who knows?
[irritated by Randy recording with his camera] Randy, I swear to God, if you don't put that thing away!
Sharon, you're going to be really glad I have all this footage of the family someday.
I mean it, Randy! That's enough!
What did that?! WHAT IS THAT THING?!?!
Mr. Marsh, you have to move! It isn't safe to be here!
S12 E11Pandemic 2: The Startling
[turning on the camera; frightfully] I've got the video camera. Got it turned on again. Okay. This is Randy Marsh. I'm shooting this video of myself. 20 minutes ago, some huge creatures attacked our town. There's still chaos out the window. [pans the camera to the window where all the people are screaming and running] I barely made it back to the house. Sharon is here with me, and there's Shelley. Wave to the camera, Shelley.
Randy, will you put down that camera? We need to figure out what to do!
I don't know what to do. I'm so startled.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.