South Park quotes

[entering his and Satan's bedroom, carrying a bowl of soup] Hey, Satan! [takes off his pants and shoes] I made you some soup!

[closely inspects it] I don't like carrots.

Ayyy, relax, guy! Carrots are good for you.

[annoyed] I don't want carrots. I ordered cheesecake on DoorDash.

[enters the bedroom, wearing a neck collar after his last incident with falling down the stairs] Mr. President, I really need to speak with you.

Not now, Brendan Carr! Satan won't eat his carrots.

Oh, come on, Satan, you're eating for two now. Carrots are good for you, see? [takes the soup bowl and eats it]

No, Brendan Carr, don't do it!

[stops eating] Whoa, this is the best soup ever. I-- [drops the bowl and starts gagging] Oh, God! [his stomach rumbles loudly as he's about to have severe explosive diarrhea]

Whoa!

Sheila

[ranting in frustration] Everywhere I went today, it was the same thing! What are you going to do about Gaza?! Like us Jews in America have any control over what's going on in Israel. Why is everyone suddenly confronting us about the politics?! [to Gerald] Have people been asking what you think about Gaza, Gerald?

No, for some reason, they were just asking what you think about it.

Sheila

You see?! It's just pure antisemitism! I'm so sick of being grilled about my views on Palestine and my thoughts on Hamas! [Ike secretly pulls out his phone, opens up the poll in the market app, and bets $2] And being judged for things that are centuries old and that non-Jews know nothing about! Well, if they all think we should do something… [in unison] then you better believe I'll do something!

Kyle

[whispering in protest; in unison] You… stop! [out of unison] You know, Mom, I'm starting to think that us Jews should just lay low for a little bit.

Sheila

There! Now my son is complacent. This is one Jewish household that will not put up with it anymore! [gets up from the table and heads to the front door]

Kyle

[hops off his seat and follows her] Ma, please. Don't make things any worse.

Sheila

Worse?! How can it be any worse?! [takes her bag off the coat rack and opens the door] I'm going to find out where all this is coming from, and I'm going to give them a piece of my mind! [closes the door and leaves]

Kyle

No, Ma!

[scrolling through the market app on her phone, as well as Red, and sees the bet of Sheila bombing Gaza officially removed] What the hell?

They took it down! We were all gonna win, and they took down our bets!

How can the app company do that?

Jimmy

I got in at nine-to-one odds! This is b-b-bullshit!

Yeah, these apps are totally corrupt.

[blowing his whistle as he appears] Guys! For the love of God!

Kyle

Well, Cartman, I just wanna say thanks. You know, it's crazy, but nobody else here gave a crap about how I was feeling except for you.

Cartman

Oh, that's all right, Kyle. I'm just happy the bet got taken down. Now none of these sickos can profit off of what your mom does.

Kyle

Yeah, well, those people would have all lost the bet anyway.

Cartman

What do you mean they would have all lost the bet?

Kyle

Well, I know the reason my mom went Israel.

Cartman

It wasn't to bomb a Palestinian hospital?

Kyle

No, when my mom left the house, she said she was gonna find the person responsible for all this and give them a piece of her mind.

Sheila

[off-screen] You are not going to talk to me like that! I am exremely upset, and I am not leaving until I have said my piece! [angrily barges into the office and confronts Benjamin Netanyahu] THERE YOU ARE, MR. NETANYAHU! Just who do you think you are?! Killing thousands and flattening neighborhoods, then wrapping yourself in Judaism like it's some shield from criticism! You're making life for Jews miserable, and life for American Jews impossible! Oh, don't you roll your eyes at me, mister! You know what you're doing, and you're doing it on purpose! Well, now you can just sit in that chair, 'cause I'm not goin' anywhere, buster! I've been to every PTA meeting, every school board meeting, and I can go all day!

Butters

[walking up to Clyde, Kenny and Tolkien] Hey, fellas, fellas! You wanna know what time I woke up this morning?

What time?

Butters

[making a hand gesture] Around 6-7!

[all doing the same gesture] 6-7!

All right, everyone, listen up. I’ve got a lot of reports of disruptions in the classroom, and some satanic numerology shit going on. So I want to remind you, this is a power christian school, and I am a power christian principal, and we will be PC! So now I want you to hear from someone who is the authority on biblical prophecies. This person is an absolute expert on the end of days, and the coming of the Anti-Christ. Please welcome, Mr. Peter Thiel.

[entering PC Principal's office] PC Principal, do you have a minute?

Sure, Jesus, what do you need?

I'm starting to wonder if I really fit in here.

Of course you fit in. This school has been a zest-pool of heathen, left-wing little bitches, and only our faith is gonna set them right.

Could I ask… exactly what branch of Christianity are you?

The kind who loves his country and doesn't tolerate any fucking fags.

Yeah, see, I really think I don't belong here.

Look, I understand it's a tough transition. You know, the Vice Principal here had the same conflict as you. But she's really come around.

The Vice Principal? Your wife?

That's right. [talks to the speaker on his desk] Could you send in Strong Christian Woman please? She was saying the same thing that this wasn’t a place for her anymore but just this last weekend she converted to Christianity.

[knocks on the door] You wanted to see me?

Yeah, Strong Christian Woman, I was just telling Jesus about our faith.

Oh, yes, it's been such a blessing.

She converted on Saturday. What do you think, huh? You ever seen a more Christian chick in your fucking life?

N-n-never.

Look, I know it's a hard adjustment, but just stick with it, and you're gonna fit in here just fine, Jesus.

How was school today, bud?

Stan

It was fine.

Look, Stan, I know it's been hard for you the past month without us having a home (and having a roof over our heads).

Stan

Yeah, it sucks.

I've tried to find work but there's just not a lot out there. And with the Government shutdown, I can't get my job back with the U.S.G.S. Times are hard, and I know we all miss Tegridy.

Stan

I don't miss Tegridy, Dad. I just hate that our family is living in a Motel. It's really embarrassing.

Well, that's what I need to tell you, Stan. There's some good news: We're moving out of the motel.

Stan

Wait, really? We can live in a house again?!

Well, no, we can't afford to live in a house, so, we're moving in with your Grandpa.

Stan

Moving in with Grandpa?!

This is a bunch of bullcrap! First, you all stick me in this place, and then you all come along?!

Pretty nice, huh, guys? There's a TV, a microwave, and we have Bingo on Thursdays!

Stan

There has to be somewhere else we can live.

Come on, Stan, you have that place over there by Grandpa's shit pan.

Stan

You can't make me stay here, this is completely inhumane!

That's what I said. Didn't work.

[furious] That little shit! That little shit!

It's already all over the school. Butters is trying to humiliate you.

What the hell did I do to him?!

Bebe

Well, you did kind of use him.

I didn't use him! He wanted to buy me a Labubu.

You should go tell the principal, Red, they said if anyone made these kinds of videos of other students, they'd call the police.

[turns around] I don't need to tell the principal. There's gonna be a big assembly this afternoon. I'll get Butters back myself.

Sir! There's a Studio Ghibli here that wants to talk to the kid.

What's a Studio Ghibli?

Some Japanese guys say they represent Totoro.

[angrily; pushes Mitch] You! You fuck Totoro!

Totoro is Studio Ghibli I.P.!

Oh, so Totoro's already got some lawyers, huh?

It takes hundreds of artists, three years to make Totoro! And then two minutes, you spit out your shit, and fuck Totoro!

Studio Ghibli no sakuhin! (Studio Ghibli's artwork!)

What!?

Kenny

[muffling] But we didn't make that video!

Alright, I can't understand a word anyone here is sayin'!

You stop! This is a "Shi-shu and de-shisto"!

"Shi-shu and de-shisto"!

[to Mitch] Mitch! Get 'em outta here!

Shimatta! Totoro no meiyo ga kigasareta! (Damn it! Totoro's reputation has been tarnished!)

[to Butters and Kenny] You cannot just do whatever you want with someone else's I.P.!

You like that hot shit in your Jew mouth?

Stan

I mean, you got to admit it's pretty impressive. It looks really real.

Kyle

It's not impressive! It's fucked up! How is this even legal?!

Butters

Nothing's sacred, Kyle. All you can do is fight fire with fire.

Kyle

Well, then, let's see how Red likes it when we make one of her and Bluey!

Butters

[speaking out to the court] It wasn't their fault, all right? It's all my fault! This all started with me, because my heart was broken. I made the first videos using Sora 2. I saw the ones Eric Cartman made to get out of going to school and I thought I could make these about Red 'cause the bitch deserves it! But it was just me!

Wait, you're saying that the Eric Cartman videos are all being created by someone to distort the truth? [looks at Mitch] That's gotta be Totoro! Trace the IP address, and let's get the son of a bitch!

All right, people. It's almost Thanksgiving, and that means the annual Turkey Trot is nearly upon us. How is it that we haven't found one sponsor to help pay for this event?

South Park's just fallen on hard times, Mayor. Nobody's got the money.

Tegridy Farms used to be a sponsor of the Turkey Trot, but as you know, we've recently all lost Tegridy. So I'm afraid we just can't help.

What about the City Pop-up Store? Can't they help sponsor this year's race?

How shitty Asian pop-up pay for Turkey Trot? We gotta pay tariff! We're more fucked than anybody!

Let's just face it, Mayor. South Park businesses are dying and a lot of good people have lost their jobs.

[entering the room with janitor equipment] Trash? Anybody got trash?

[forming a ball with paper] Oh, yeah, here's some, bank shot! [throws it at him]

There has to be a solution, people. [gets up from her seat and walks over to a window, looking outside] The Turkey Trot is the one time of year this town comes together as a community. We all need it now more than ever.

Well, of course there is someone who'd be willing to give South Park a bunch'a money. I mean, they're giving money to everyone else, why not us?

[turns around] My God... [smiles] That's it!

The White House is demanding we release the prisoner, or they're going to send in Pete Hegseth!

Who's Pete Hegseth?

Alright, I sure don't wanna tango with you guys. How about you just press this secret button in the floor here, and the jail cell doors will all open.

[bending over, looking at the floor] The secret button?

Yeah, you see, it's right there! [kicks Hegseth in the ass, knocking him over] Now get your little bitch ass out of my town.

Oh, you-! I dare you to do that again!