South Park quotes

Stan

[off-screen] The past few months have just been... really awful. There were these ICE raids and my dad's company went out of business. Then we lost our house and had to move into the old folks home with my grandpa. [cut to him in the counselor's office] It's like everything keeps changing and I really don't know how to cope with it.

[tuning an electric guitar; disinterested] Uh-huh. And how exactly do you feel like shit has changed, bro?

Stan

Well, Jesus, it just seems like people aren't really as kind and giving as they used to be, you know? Like, I just got some money from Saudi Arabia and I'm thinking of sharing it. 'Cause I feel like that's what everyone needs right now. Like, a big Christmas miracle?

Sounds like some socialist bullshit to me, bro.

Stan

Jesus, I don't wanna live in an old folks home anymore, okay?! Now, I don't know what's made you change like this, but we need some god damn Christmas magic!

Stan

[enters the restroom, reluctantly goes to the toilet, and looks down at the bowl] I don't know if you can hear me, but I've been kinda wishing for a Christmas miracle. If miracles can still even happen, please, make it happen now?

Yay!

Look, guys! It's Stanny!

Stanny!

Stan

[turns around; horrified] Oh, no!

Did you miss us, Stan?

Stan

OH, NO! [quickly runs out of the restroom]

Stan

[angrily] What do you guys want?!

Well, didn't you hear, Stan? Satan's gonna give birth to the Anti-Christ!

Yeah, he's gonna have a butt baby and there's gonna be a big crap out!

And nobody loves a crap out more than us!

Stan

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, this doesn't make any sense! You guys are just something that Cartman made up in his head!

[looking at each other] Uhh, are you really gonna over-analyze a crap out?

No way, crap outs have no rules!

Alright, y'all. Stan was just here to help the Prince of Darkness, so we gotta do what he says.

Stan

I didn't wish for that! I didn't know anything about Satan having a baby or crap outs!

But you asked for a Christmas miracle, Stan. And this crap out's gonna make everything better!

Stan

[thinking about it] It is? Are you sure?

Of course! Crap outs are the best!

Come on, let's get to it!

Stan

Okay, hold on a second. You said that Satan was in Washington, D.C.?

Yeah, he was! And now he's about to be here!

Stan

But how can you know that?

Oh, for Pete's sake, Stanny. Will you just get on board with the crap out already?

Don't worry, Stanny. Everything has been foretold and nothing can stop the antichrist from comin'!

Except, of course, for Peter Thiel.

P-P-P-Peter Thiel?

Stan

Wait, you mean the "6-7" guy?

You know Peter Thiel?

Stan

Yeah, he did a big dumb assembly at the school.

He's here?!

What are you gonna do, Stanny?

Are you gonna kill him and eat him?

Stan

Alright, look. If I'm gonna get on board with something, I need it to make a little bit of sense.

Well, okay, Susan Sontag. We'll make sure it all lines up perfectly for you.

[giving out Christmas letters to all the elders] Christmas letters from home. Here you go. Some Christmas joy from your loved ones. There you go. [approaches Stan] Hey, there's one for you today. [gives him a letter]

[voice-over] "Dear Stan, I'm writing this because I owe you an apology and a thank you. You asked for a Christmas miracle, and I didn't listen. So now, go to this address."

Stan

No way! [exits the retirement home and walks down the streets; he arrives at his old residence being decorated with Christmas lights saying: "Merry Christmas Stan", and notices the letter came with a key; runs into the house, seeing the old interior and his old bedroom, smiling with joy; then exits the house and gazes up at the night sky] Thank you. Thank you!

[in a constellation appearance] I'll be here Stan, watching over everybody. Be good, and remember, never give up on the things that you commit to.

[in a constellation appearance] He's so great, isn't he? Merry Christmas everyone! Let's all have the happiest holidays! [singing] A Christian woman knows her place So go ahead and punch me in the face! 'Cause I deserve it, I was wrong! That's why I wrote this holiday song With my big fake tits And my Botox lips Saying Merry Christmas, Jesus Christ Come on, seniors, sing along~