[Homer has taken up golf as a hobby and is practicing hitting golf balls into the commodes in the men's room at the nuclear plant, which is clandestinely being observed by Mr. Burns and Smithers on their surveillance cameras.]
Smithers, who is that lavatory linksman?
Homer Simpson, sir. From Sector 7-G.
Simpson, eh? Well, invite him to the country club. I believe I finally may have a challenge in golf. I have not lost a game since I let Richard Nixon win during his beleaguered second term.
That was very thoughtful of you, sir.
Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his [imitating Nixon] "Ohhh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!" [normal voice] Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is of any relation?
Unlikely sir, as they spell and pronounce their names differently.
[A series of IRS agents investigate Krusty's check, then place a call to his bank in the Cayman Islands.]
CICayman Islands Offshore Holding Corporation Manager
[chuckles] Oh, I'm sorry. I can't divulge information about that customer's secret, illegal account. [hangs up phone] ...Oh crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer... Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was secret... Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal! [sits back, fanning himself] Ah, it's too hot today.
[Krusty is being audited by the IRS.]
Oh, I can't go to jail! I got a swanky lifestyle! I'm used to the best!
I1IRS Agent #1
Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail; we're just going to garnish your salary.
I1IRS Agent #1
Please, Krusty, no jokes.
Who's joking?! [sobs] Oh, I don't know what you're saying, it all sounds so crazy to me!
I2IRS Agent #2
It simply means we will be taking part of your salary until your debt is repaid. Say, 75% for 40 years.
But I don't plan to live that long!
I1IRS Agent #1
Better make it 95%.
[Krusty's show has been taken over by the IRS]
Hey, hey, kids! Now that the feds are calling the shots, this show's gotta be a lot more cost-effective. So we had to cut down on the thrills, like sets, props, costumes and Sideshow Mel. But that doesn't mean we can't have fun! For example, I sure wish someone would give me a banana cream pie! Yeah. Uh...
[An IRS agent backstage gestures that they don't have the money]
I guess we can't afford pies right now. Well throw something!
[IRS agent throws his briefcase and it hits Krusty in the eye]
OW! Oh, the corner hit... ughhhh....
[Skinner opens his front door and sees his mother with Superintendent Chalmers]
SSkinner
Superintendent Chalmers!
SSkinner
What I wouldn't give for something to distract from this awkward moment...
[Krusty flies by in his plane, sobbing and looping out of control.]
SSkinner
That'll do nicely.
[at the Springfield Marina, Bart and Lisa enters the Sea Cap'n's Bait 'n' Barg'n B'n, where McAllister is on the phone]
Arr, I've got some customers. Call me back, Ishmael. [hangs up phone] Ahoy here, minnows.
[Bart blows up a Krusty balloon and the face is deformed]
Ahoy! Have you seen this man?
Arr, that's Handsome Pete. He dances for nickels. [Turns to the back door] Pete, ye got some customers!
[a dwarf whose face resembles Krusty's comes in and plays an accordion while dancing]
[Krusty's plane, the I'm-On-A-Rolla Gay, is being auctioned off. Krusty grabs the mic from the auctioneer and makes an emotional appeal]
But I love that plane! I used to fly to Vegas in it with Dean Martin! One night he looked out the window, and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie! We wrote a song about it! But it ended up infringing on one he'd recorded years before...
[Krusty is sitting on the curb smoking a cigarette and drinking from a bottle in a paper bag. His home and belongings have just all been auctioned off. Bart approaches.]
Krusty? Hi. Is it okay if I sit down here?
Go ahead, kid, knock yourself out.
[sits] I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you, Krusty. But you know, my mom says God never closes a door without opening a window.
Well, no offense kid, but your mom's a dingbat. There's no silver lining here. I was a big cheese. A HUGE CHEESE! But now look at me! I gotta ride the bus like a schnook. I gotta live in an apartment like an idiot. I gotta wait in line with nobodies to buy groceries from a FAILURE!
It doesn't matter how you live or what you did wrong. As long as you're on TV, people will respect you.
Respect? BAH! What good is respect without the moolah to back it up? Everywhere I go I see teachers in Ferraris. Research scientists drinking champagne! I tried to drink a Coke on the bus, and they took away my pass! That's no life for a famous clown...
Well, if it'll make you feel any better, Krusty, you can punch me in the face.
[Bart cringes as Krusty angrily cocks his fist back. For a second it looks as though he'll do it, but he changes his mind.]
Nah, forget it. Go home, kid.
