Want to go to a concert tonight? 68% of the original Cher is playing.
S23Holidays of Future Passed
Sometimes I wish strangling your kid was still legal.
Not since they passed Homer's law.
My daughter thinks I'm a ruthless tyrant, like Hitler or Prince Harry.
[chuckles] Bloody Harry. He brought back beheading in a big way.
[Bart and Lisa are drinking wine in the Simpsons's treehouse, and are a bit drunk]
Should I've married Nelson? 'Cause we still talk on the phone.
Nelson calls you?
Well, someone calls someone.
The boys think I'm a lousy father.
Oh, poor Bart. My daughter thinks I'm a lousy mother.
[laughs gleefully, but stops quickly] Sorry.
Meh, it's okay. But you know who took her side? [mockingly] Marge Bouvier Simpson.
[scoffs] What did she do?
She told me to relax and bake cookies.
Did you bake any?
Yes I did, and they were some of the best cookies ever made in this house, but that is not the point!
Where's dad?
He took the boys out.
How can he be such a cool grandfather when he's such a lousy father?
People learn from their mistakes, and your father made so many mistakes.
Oh, Martin Prince is now Marcia Princess.
Google, even though you've enslaved half the world, you're still a damn fine search engine.
[Lisa sees the posters of women from Joan of Arc to Empress Zinzam on the wall of Zia's Ultranet room. The last poster features Lisa; she gasps in joy]
ZZia
Mom? Why are you here?
I was worried. I thought I would find-
ZZia
What? Me flashing my boobs on Unripemelons.com?
What? No! It doesn't matter what I thought. I'm sorry I spied on you. But what I found, is, my daughter looks up to me!
ZZia
Well, of course I do! I look up to both my parents!
[a hologram of Milhouse wearing a burqa appears]
Could somebody FedEx me a prayer mat? And quick!
[the hologram disappears; Zia turns back to Lisa]
ZZia
But I especially look up to you.
[Lisa and Zia embrace. A door opens behind Zia, revealing a disco room full of partying people. An embarrassed Zia slams the door shut and keeps on embracing]
Boys, I've acted like a ten-year-old for the last 30 years, and I swear to you, I will grow up and act like a 20-year-old, the way a divorced 40-year-old should.
BSBart's younger son
You're gonna have to do better than that.
Boys, I'm a deadbeat dad, I live in a school, it's Christmas. The only thing worth anything in my life is you.
BSBart's elder son
Oh, Dad.
BSBart's younger son
You've taught us the meaning of Christmas. Which schools are forbidden to tell us anymore.
[Bart hugs his sons]
Is it snowing down here?
No, one of the freezers is busted.
[touched the boys have forgiven Bart] If those boys can forgive their train wreck of a father, maybe I can forgive... [de-freezes grampa]
You quit drinking like a coward, the one thing you were good at——
[Homer re-freezes Abe and then de-freezes him]
Lawn chair-breaking——
[Homer re-freezes Abe and then de-freezes him]
Hair-losing——
[Homer re-freezes Abe and then de-freezes him]
Marge-loving——
[Homer re-freezes Abe and then de-freezes him]
Barometer dropping——
[Homer re-freezes Abe and then de-freezes him]
Father freezing——
[Homer re-freezes Abe and then de-freezes him]
But you'd always come and get me when I wandered out on the freeway. Because deep down you couldn't stand to see me smooshed.
[Homer and Abe reconcile]
S23Politically Inept, with Homer Simpson
When a guy who loves America cries, it makes him super straight.
AApu
The hot dogs spin counter clockwise in fear when you arrive.
They know I'm doing a character. Like Stephen Colbert or Newt Gingrich.
Hey, no one's shotgun! Now, be quiet!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.