[The Simpsons have just finished the Thanksgiving dinner]
I'll never eat turkey again. Marge, we got any ham?!
“Holidays of Future Passed” · Season 23
In this episode: Lisa Simpson (11), Homer Simpson (7), Bart Simpson (6), Marge Simpson (5), Milhouse Van Houten (4), Grampa Simpson (1), Abe (1), Wiseguy (1)
AAbe
[wearing an elf hat and having some mashed potato on his face in the shape of a beard] I'm Santa?! Oh, now I'll never die.
Can we just send out a picture of the pets as reindeers?
We tried that last year.
[camera pans to a photo of Santa's Little Helper and Snowball V with toy reindeer horns attacking Homer]
D'oh!
Who cares what we look like in whatever stupid year this is?
You'll understand one day, when you have kids of your own.
Umm, who say's we're gonna have kids of our own?
Not me, man! This cycle of jerks has to end!
I can't believe we put a man on the Sun, but we can't stop my sneezing.
How did my daughter turn into my brother?
Don't blame me. When we had her, they used only the best genetic material - which meant none of mine.
Why don't you take Zia to your parents for Christmas, while I nurse my allergies in one of the non-Christmas celebrating states?
You could go back to Michigan. It's still under Sharia law.
Yeah, but they always make me wear a veil.
Oh, Marge. How would you like some future sex?
Why do you say future? This is now.
I meant a week from tomorrow. That's when the new penis gets here.
Oh man. I can't believe they still haven't figured out a way to de-tangle Christmas lights.
ESelder son
Mom's boyfriend is good at de-tangling them.
[mockingly] Well, maybe mom should marry him!
ESelder son
She did!
YSyounger son
We weren't supposed to tell you.
[Homer comes in with a top hat, a scarf, a smoking pipe, and a carrot]
ESelder son
Hey, grampa, are you gonna build a snowman?
No, I just like to dress up to eat my carrots and smoke.
Want to go to a concert tonight? 68% of the original Cher is playing.
Sometimes I wish strangling your kid was still legal.
Not since they passed Homer's law.
My daughter thinks I'm a ruthless tyrant, like Hitler or Prince Harry.
[chuckles] Bloody Harry. He brought back beheading in a big way.
[Bart and Lisa are drinking wine in the Simpsons's treehouse, and are a bit drunk]
Should I've married Nelson? 'Cause we still talk on the phone.
Nelson calls you?
Well, someone calls someone.
The boys think I'm a lousy father.
Oh, poor Bart. My daughter thinks I'm a lousy mother.
[laughs gleefully, but stops quickly] Sorry.
Meh, it's okay. But you know who took her side? [mockingly] Marge Bouvier Simpson.
[scoffs] What did she do?
She told me to relax and bake cookies.
Did you bake any?
Yes I did, and they were some of the best cookies ever made in this house, but that is not the point!
Where's dad?
He took the boys out.
How can he be such a cool grandfather when he's such a lousy father?
People learn from their mistakes, and your father made so many mistakes.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.