Come on, Chalmie, you fired Skinner for less than this.
Yeah, I did, but... Skinner really bugged me. Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way in a few months. I say, lay back and enjoy it, it's a hell of a toboggan ride.
Ned[over PA] Well, cockly-doodly-doo, little buddies. Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful school day.
Thank the Lor-- thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion. Simpson, you get your wish. Flanders is history!
[After hearing a woman scream from inside Flanders' house, Bart looks outside and sees him digging a hole in his yard]
This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation.
Ned
I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer!
Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.
Ned
I'M A MUR-DIDDLY-URDLER!
If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.
[Homer is using a pickaxe to punch holes in the hood of his car]
Ned
Whatcha diddly doin', neighbor?
I'm puttin' speed holes in my car; makes it go faster.
Ned
Is that so? Well, gee, maybe the old Flanders mobile could use-- [Ned is shot, falls to the ground] Agghh! [gets back up] Wow, lucky I always keep a Bible close to my heart and-- [Ned is shot again] D'a-oh! [gets back up] Ho-ho-hoh, lucky I was wearing this extra-large piece of the True Cross today. I think I'll go inside. [runs with Bible. A bullet hits the pickaxe causing the head to spin]
What keeps doing that? [to a limo]
I told you we should have bought more than three bullets. Lets just grab him.
Shush, dear. You'll wreck daddy's fun.
Ned
[singing] Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in ... [gasps] Oh, my Lord! Something horrible has happened!
[uncontrollably laughing] Fooled you, Flanders. Made you think your family was dead!
Although he did send us this thank you card.
[reading aloud on the card] "Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie." Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.
[Homer snatches the card, looks at it, and lowers, his pupils shrinking due to rage as ominous music plays, Bart and Lisa look quite frightened]
Kids, would you step outside for a second? [Bart and Lisa run off of the room, he stands up, and inhales a gust of air...] F—
[At the church, the organ booms and a flock of birds scatter from the bell tower, the neighbors stunned and look at the Simpson house]
Ned
[from next door; gasps] Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!
Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
[blissfully] Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned
Wait! Homer, what did you just say?
[nastily] I SAID, "SHUT YOUR UGLY FACE, FLANDERS!!"
Ned
Oh, fair enough.
[Lard Lad's giant donut is in the middle of the Simpsons' living room, along with Homer lying in the center of it. The doorbell rings, and Homer is greeted by the angry face of Lard Lad]
Hello? Yes? Oh...if you're looking for that giant donut, uh..Flanders has it. Just go smash open his house. [Homer closes the door as loud footsteps trail off] He came to life. Good for him. [smashing is heard as the screen shakes, and footsteps are heard hurriedly heading back to the Simpsons home. The doorbell rings, Homer answers and is greeted by the same angrier Lard Lad]
Ned
[running in the background] Help me Lord!
I told you, Flanders has it! Or Moe. Go kill Moe.
Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what it's like in there?
Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?
Ned
No.
Yes. I no. I mean, no. No.
[Frink draws a strange diagram on the wall]
Well, it should be obvious to even the most dim-witted individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology, n'gee, that Homer Simpson has stumbled into... [lights off] the third di-mension.
[switches the light on] Sorry.
[draws a square on the chalkboard] Here is an ordinary square.
Whoa, whoa! Slow down, egghead.
But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe... along the hypothetical "Z" axis there.
This forms a three-dimensional object known as a cube, or a "Frinkahedron," in honor of its discoverer, n-gl'hey, n'hey.
[in echo voice] Help me! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on?
Oh, right. And, of course, within we find the doomed individual.
Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake. We need action!
[Wiggum takes out his gun and fires into the wall]
Take that, you lousy dimension!
Ned
[answer on the phone] Howdily-doodely.
[recording] Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look as--
Ned
[hangs up] Oh, it's that darn recording again.
Of course it was. It's been calling all night. Just unplug the phone.
[Ned turns out the light and the phone rings again]
Ned
Howdily-di--
[recording] Greetings, friends.
Ned
[hangs up again] Dang!
I told you to unplug the phone.
Ned
But it could be my mother! [the phone rings again; answers it] Howdy--
[recording] Greetings, friends.
Ned
[hangs up again] Shoot!
That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn!
[shouts through the window] WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!
[addressing Dr. Foster in the mirror] Aw, that's it, you just can't insult this guy. You call him a moron and he just sits there, grinning moronly.
Ned
[to mirror] Hi, neighbor!
You know what your problem is, Flanders? You're afraid to be human.
Ned
Why would you say that?
Because humans are obnoxious sometimes. Humans hate things.
Ned
Well maybe a few of them do, back east.
[Homer answers the door to Ned Flanders]
Ned
Homer, I've got a Fozzie of a bear of a problem! See, Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. Well, they must have kneeled in the wrong place, and prayed to the wrong god, because, well, they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort!
Militants, huh? Well, if I were you, I'd kick their asses.
Ned
Well, any whodilly-doodle, the embassy says it's a routine hostage-taking, but I have to drive to Capitol City and fill out forms to get them out. Could you possibly watch the kids tonight?
Oh, gee, I'd really love to wanna help you, Flanders, but, uh... Marge was... taken prisoner in the....Holy Land, and, uh...
[tugging at Homer's hand] I'll do it! I'll babysit!
Ned
Well, I dunno, Lisa. You're awfully young, and the boys can be a handful. Todd's been pinching everyone lately!
But I'm smart and responsible and my parents will be right next door!
Ned
Well, whaddya say, Homer? Can Lisa babysit my kids?
Eh, I'll have to ask her. [slams the door]
[Rex Banner suspiciously eyes passers-by on the sidewalk. He grabs Ned Flanders.]
Ned
Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guil-diddly-ilty as char-diddly-arged.
[To Eddie and Lou] He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Bring him in!
[Next, he grabs Comic Book Guy]
Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.
Don't crack wise with me, tubby!
"Tubby?" [looking at his ample gut] Oh, yes. "Tubby."
[Homer and Bart suddenly pass by, towing behind them a wagon full of hops, barley and sour mash.]
Hey, Banner. How's it hangin'?
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
