Ned Flanders quotes from The Simpsons

Ned

Oh, I must stop this spawn of Satan; but can I really find it in my heart to kill a child?

Ned Flanders

Howdily-doodily. I brought bibles for the new arrivals.

Homer

All right, knock it off!

Ned

Knock what off, Simpson?

Homer

You've been rubbing it in my nose since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt... [Ned gasps] is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!

Ned

Simpson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand.

Homer

I wouldn't stay on a bet! [walks out but gets back to pick up a club sandwich that Maude prepared] One for the road! [eats on the way out]

Ned

[begins writing a letter] "Dear neighbor..."

Homer

[from behind] FLANDERS!!!

Ned

[startled] Gah! Oh, hey. Sorry, Homer. I just wanted to give you this letter. I'll leave now.

Homer

[opens the letter Ned handed him and starts reading it] "Dear neighbor..." [starts snickering. Cut to the next morning. he, Bart, Lisa, and Marge are seated around the breakfast table in the kitchen, and he's is reading Ned's letter out loud] "You are my brother." [laughs, Bart and Lisa snicker] "I love you." [he, Bart, and Lisa all laugh out loud, while Marge frowns disapprovingly] "And yet, I feel a great sadness..." [snickers] "...in my bosom." [he, Bart, and Lisa laugh even harder] "Bosom..." Wait, wait, there's more! [continues laughing]

Marge

[stands up] I think that's terrible! A man opens his heart, and you make fun of him! [exits the room and quietly snickers to herself, then walks back in just as Homer continues reading the letter]

Homer

"Neighbors forever," Oh no! [he and Bart laugh] "Ned Flanders." [he, Bart, and Lisa laugh]

Bart

[slapping the table] What a sap!

Lisa

[wiping away a tear] Read the bosom part again, dad![Homer, Bart, and Lisa laugh]

Marge

Now, just a minute!

Bart

"Bosom." [he, Homer, and Lisa laugh]

Homer

[answers phone] Yello?

Simpson, this is Sylvia Winfield. That canine of yours is in my pool again! I'm calling the dog warden right now!

Homer

Oh, are you?! Well, you go ahead and call your precious dog warden, you old battle-axe! Because my dog is tied up in the backyard!

There's only one family on this block — no, on Earth — inconsiderable enough to let a monster like that roam free!

Homer

D'oh! [grunts] Are you losing your hearing or are you just stupid? I am going to explain this to you one more time, and then I'm going to hang up on you. It is NOT my dog!!! I TIED MY DOG OUTSIDE MYSELF!!! [looks at backyard] I AM LOOKING AT HIM RIGHT- D'OH!!!

Ned

Well, hi-diddly-do, Simpson.

Ned Flanders

Homer, I'm ruined. For me? Oh, thank you.

Homer

I know.

Flanders

You know, in times like these, I used to turn to the Bible for solace, but even the Good Book can't help me now.

Homer

Why not?

Flanders

I sold it to you for seven cents!

Homer

Oh.

Flanders

[gets choked up] You know, ever since that barbecue, nothing had gone right. It's like there's been a... a curse on me. [and stops] Homer, Can you tell me? Tell me! What?!

Homer

[cries and tries to wipe tears with Flanders' own personal NF face towel] It's all my fault!

Flanders

Wait. Is that my own personal NF face towel?

Homer

Yes, it is.

Flanders

No, you tried to warn me against engaging in risky ventures! I should have known better than to gamble my family's future on some pig in a poke! I didn't listen. Homer, you are a true friend! [he and Homer embrace]

Homer

No, I was a swine. [Maude, Rod and Todd and Marge embrace as well]

Homer

[lets go of embrace] Listen, Flanders.

Flanders

What?

Homer

Do you still have that store?

Flanders

For two more days, then it becomes Libertarian Party headquarters. I hope they have better luck than I did.

Homer

Flanders, you open that store tomorrow.

Flanders

[despondent] Homer, there's no point -

Homer

I SAID DO IT!!

Maude

Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?

Todd

Hell, no.

Maude

[sternly] What did you say?

Todd

I said I don't want any damn vegetables.

Ned

All right, that's it, young man! No Bible Stories for you tonight!

Maude

Weren't you a little hard on him?

Ned

Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

Homer

The Lord is vengeful! [falls to his knees] O Spiteful One! Show me who to smite, and they shall be smoten!

Ned

[chuckles] Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.

Reverend Lovejoy

No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they [points to Ned] Christian, [Krusty] Jew, or [Apu] ...miscellaneous.

Hindu! There are 700 million of us.

Reverend Lovejoy

[condescendingly] Aw, that's super.

Homer

I was rude to every one of you. And you saved my life when you could've just left me to fry like the proverbial pancake that I am.

Marge

Aw, Homer! I'm so glad to hear you say that.

Flanders

[now a zombie] Hey Simpson, I'm feeling a might peckish! Mind if I chew your ear?

Bart

Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!

Homer

[quizzically] He was a zombie?

You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.

Homer

Heh-heh, mule.

The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest —Aw, it's not for you. It's more a Shelbyville idea.

Mayor Quimby

Now, wait just a minute. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it.

All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea. I give you the Springfield Monorail! [everyone gasps] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map! Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail! What'd I say?

Ned

Monorail!

What's it called?

Monorail.

That's right, monorail! [the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as Lyle begins to play piano]

I hear those things are awfully loud.

It glides as softly as a cloud!

Is there a chance the track could bend?

Not on your life, my Hindu friend!

Barney

What about us brain-dead slobs?

You'll be given cushy jobs!

Were you sent here by the Devil?

No, good sir, I'm on the level!

Chief Wiggum

The ring came off my pudding can.

Take my pen knife, my good man! I swear it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!!

Marge

But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!

Bart

Sorry Mom, the mob has spoken!

Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL!

Homer

Mono... [realizes the song is over] D'oh!

Chief Wiggum

Now Sideshow Bob can't get in without me knowing. And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and [winks] legal.

Homer

Is that so? [yells out kitchen window] Oh, Flanders? Won't you join me in my kitchen? [Ned turns off the hose. Homer stands on the wall next to the kitchen arch, preparing to strike Flanders] Heh-heh-heh-heh...

Chief Wiggum

Uh, it doesn't work when you invite 'em.

Ned

Hidilly-hey!

Homer

Go home.

Ned

Toodledy-do!

Lisa

[to Bart] And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.

Homer

[breaking a lamp] D'oh!

Bart

Ay, caramba!

Marge

[groans]

Maggie

[sucks her pacifier]

Flanders

Hi-dilly-ho!

Barney

[belches]

Ha, ha!

Mr. Burns

Excellent.

Lisa

If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room. [She walks away.]

Homer

What kind of catchphrase is that?

Mayor Quimby

I'll take two dogs, two sodas... and, uh, two ice cream bars. [as they are passed along the row towards him, Homer snatches two bites from his dogs] What the hell happened to my dogs? I want answers.

Homer

Well, I guess I should pay my share.

Ned

[chuckling] Relax, Homer. I keep telling you. You're my guest.

Homer

Ooh, you brought me a nacho hat! Thanks, Ned. [dips a nacho in it, then eats it, singing] Nacho, nacho man, I want to be a nacho man.

Now let us bow our heads in a silent prayer of Thanksgiving. [all the churchgoers do so. Homer is breathing through his nose, which gets louder with each breath, annoying Ned]

Ned

[furiously and annoyed] STOP IT!!! BREATHE THROUGH YOUR DAMN MOUTH! [Lovejoy and the churchgoers gasp] Oh, can't you see this man's not a hero!? He's annoying! He's very, very annoying!

Helen

Well, Ned's just jealous!

The man's hepped up on goofballs!

Let's sacrifice him to our God! (the room falls silent as everyone looks at Grampa in horror): We did it all the time in the 30's.

Ned Flanders

Look! It's the four elephants of the Apocalypse!

Maude

That's "Horsemen," Ned.

Ned

Well, getting closer.