Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesCharlie: Hey, If you got her [Norma] pregnant, we can get a full page in Ripley's.
Alan: Give it a rest, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, come on, I've been working on these all morning! Listen to this: "Her first car was a chariot." "She called her first husband Hun, 'cause he was one!" "Her first Christmas was the first Christmas." "Likes to take long walks on the beach after crawling out of the ocean and growing legs." "Her birthstone was lava." And finally, "The Big Bang"! I don't have a joke for that but I know there's something there!
Alan: Give it a rest, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, come on, I've been working on these all morning! Listen to this: "Her first car was a chariot." "She called her first husband Hun, 'cause he was one!" "Her first Christmas was the first Christmas." "Likes to take long walks on the beach after crawling out of the ocean and growing legs." "Her birthstone was lava." And finally, "The Big Bang"! I don't have a joke for that but I know there's something there!
Charlie: An orgy requires a minimum of six people.
Alan: What?
Charlie: It goes (counting on his fingers) masturbation, one-on-one, three-some, two couple swinging, two couple swinging with a looky-loo, (holds up six fingers) orgy's six.
Alan: What?
Charlie: It goes (counting on his fingers) masturbation, one-on-one, three-some, two couple swinging, two couple swinging with a looky-loo, (holds up six fingers) orgy's six.
Alan: You know, I have never once seen him [Charlie] eat seedless raspberry jam.
Berta: That's because you've never applied a thin layer to your hindquarters.
Berta: That's because you've never applied a thin layer to your hindquarters.
Jerome [sobbing]: And after I blew out my knee, my wife left me.
Charlie: Oh, man, I'm sorry.
Jerome: For a placekicker!
Charlie: Ooh, insult to injury.
Jerome: A little tiny dude from Serbia. Not a single vowel in his entire name!
Charlie: Oh, yeah, Grl Zrbnck. That guy could sure split the uprights... in a football manner of speaking.
Charlie: Oh, man, I'm sorry.
Jerome: For a placekicker!
Charlie: Ooh, insult to injury.
Jerome: A little tiny dude from Serbia. Not a single vowel in his entire name!
Charlie: Oh, yeah, Grl Zrbnck. That guy could sure split the uprights... in a football manner of speaking.
Alan [to Judith on the phone]: I'll tell him [Charlie] to keep his hands off Myra. And then, I'll tell the rain not to fall, the earth not to spin, and you to STOP NAGGING ME! [hangs up] Oh, boy, I'm gonna pay for that.
Berta: You know what your problem is? Phone cojones.
Alan: Excuse me?
Berta: When you're on the phone with her, you got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll.
Berta: You know what your problem is? Phone cojones.
Alan: Excuse me?
Berta: When you're on the phone with her, you got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll.
Alan [to Jake]: Oh, oh, remember, you're being punished. So no TV, no computer, no Game Boy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.
Charlie: OK, but you have to be my liver and prostate.
Charlie: OK, but you have to be my liver and prostate.
Alan [to Evelyn]: If you want to sit here and stew in the venom and bile that is the soup of your being, then fine. I hope you drown in it! [to Jake]: Don't you ever talk to your mother this way!
Alan: [about Judith] What does she think she's doing? She-- she's straight, she's gay, she's straight again... I mean, place your bets! Where she lands, nobody knows!
Charlie: Alan, it's no big deal. Women get to experiment with their sexuality. It's only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff?
Charlie: I make it up.
Charlie: Alan, it's no big deal. Women get to experiment with their sexuality. It's only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff?
Charlie: I make it up.
Alan [on the phone with Kandi]: Oh, well, then, maybe you can explain to me why I'm the one who feeds Chester, gives Chester tick baths, and cleans up when Chester piddles on the rug!
Charlie [to Jake]: When'd you change your name to Chester?
Charlie [to Jake]: When'd you change your name to Chester?
Alan [while playing Scrabble with Francine]: Oh, boy. I have more vowels than a Honolulu phone book.
Berta [to Jake]: After a day scrubbing toilets, I'm betting you'll be able to pee through a Cheerio at ten paces.
Alan: [About Jake growing up] Pretty soon there'll be no more playing catch or riding bikes. Do you realize I've never even taken him fishing, or camping, or hunting?
Charlie: Do you know how to fish, or camp, or, hunt?
Alan: No, I thought we would learn together.
Charlie: Oh that sounds good. You and knucklehead out in the woods, taking turns shooting each other in the ass.
Charlie: Do you know how to fish, or camp, or, hunt?
Alan: No, I thought we would learn together.
Charlie: Oh that sounds good. You and knucklehead out in the woods, taking turns shooting each other in the ass.
Alan [on the phone, wearing a dress]: Yes, yes, my car has been stolen. Yes, just now. If-- if you can hurry, you can... sure, I'll hold.
Evelyn: Why am I not surprised? Did it have to be my red chiffon?
Evelyn: Why am I not surprised? Did it have to be my red chiffon?
Charlie: Everything work out at the office?
Alan: Uh-huh.
Charlie: Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?
Alan: Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.
Charlie: Her waist or yours?
Alan: Both. And it wasn't easy. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.
Charlie: Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!
Alan: For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.
Charlie: Then why do you call it "Brenda"?
Alan: Uh-huh.
Charlie: Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?
Alan: Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.
Charlie: Her waist or yours?
Alan: Both. And it wasn't easy. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.
Charlie: Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!
Alan: For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.
Charlie: Then why do you call it "Brenda"?