Two and a Half Men · Season 1, Episode 1
How did you get in my house?
Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not sitting on your welcome mat!
Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk.
Why is your head exploding?
Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.
If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?
Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.
You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Tell you what... here's twenty. That should cover me until lunch.
My parents are splitting up.
Yeah, looks that way. You're lucky. When I was a kid I could only dream about my parents splitting up.
Your mom is my grandma.
Yeah.
Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.
Look at you all grown up and back living with Mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now, on a scale from 1 to...2?
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