Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

Hey buddy.

Alan

"Hurry up and get out." Sounds like sex with my ex-wife.

Alan

So... in addition to my house, half my money, and my self-esteem, Judith got custody of all my friends.

Alan

And Grandma doesn't just feed on the souls of the dead, Jake. She also profits from the pain of divorce and the humiliation of bankruptcy.

Alan

Oh, (laughs), you must be Boobra's mom.

Alan

You know, I-- I'd rather be a second-class citizen here in paradise than king of a urine-soaked firetrap next to Burbank Airport!

Alan

Hey, I may not have the biggest boat in the marina, but nobody rows harder than me.

Alan

Yeah, well, you never gave me extra-special bonus sex.

Alan

Yeah, So does Disneyland.

Alan

What can I say? Marriage is a great ride... 'til you puke.

Alan

[reads newspaper headline]: "Mudslide kills 600 religious pilgrims." And yet both my ex-wives live on.

Alan

[driving Charlie home from the hospital after the punch up with Tyler] You know, the dude may look like a lady, but you fight like a little girl.

Alan

In my entire life, Chester is the only living thing I ever slept with that didn't sue me for alimony.

Alan

Remember, Jake, courage is not the absence of fear, it's taking action despite fear.

Alan

Story of my life: No boner goes unpunished.