Two and a Half Men · Season 1
How did you get in my house?
Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not sitting on your welcome mat!
Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk.
Why is your head exploding?
Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.
If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?
Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.
You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Tell you what... here's twenty. That should cover me until lunch.
My parents are splitting up.
Yeah, looks that way. You're lucky. When I was a kid I could only dream about my parents splitting up.
Your mom is my grandma.
Yeah.
Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.
Look at you all grown up and back living with Mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now, on a scale from 1 to...2?
Alan [to Jake]: Oh, oh, remember, you're being punished. So no TV, no computer, no Game Boy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.
OK, but you have to be my liver and prostate.
OK, I put the groceries away, I folded the laundry, I put Jake to bed....
The guilt thing doesn't work on me, Alan.
Yeah, well it's all I got. I gotta go.
Where are you going?
Take out the garbage.
Today wasn't garbage day.
No, not here, at Judith's.
At Judith's? Alan, your wife threw you out.
Well that doesn't mean she doesn't need me anymore.
It kinda does. So, how do you lift those garbage cans without a spine?
...The-they're on wheels.
We can't go out tonight. We're getting up early to go to Disneyland.
"We"?
Yeah. I thought maybe you'd want to come with us.
Alan, I'm not thrilled about having one small rodent in my house. Why would I drive 50 miles to see their kingdom?
Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.
Ah, you have no idea, my friend. My mother took my baby brother and dipped him in sissy sauce, and turned him into the people-pleasing control freak you see today.
That's right! And -- and she made him so scared of intimacy that -- that he has just this endless stream of gorgeous girls running in and out of his life.
Damn her.
You know, many psychologists agree: Until the core maternal relationship is resolved, most men are doomed to repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.
Just drive the cab, Dr. Phil.
[About Jake] He can't go in the water this weekend, he's got an ear infection.
Awwwww, Mom...
No, it's OK, pal, we'll have a great weekend. We can go to Disneyland, we can play miniature golf, go bowling, bike riding, whatever you want.
Alan, relax. You're starting to sound like a tampon commercial.
Aw, I forgot to bring Porky back!
See, that's the thing... nothings' bringing Porky back.
What?! Porky's dead?!
Ba-deep, ba-deep, ba-deep; That's all, Folks!
I even made your coffee.
Thank you. [takes a sip] No, uh-uh. Not as good as Berta's.
But... it's her coffee! I just-- I just pushed the button.
Berta's tasted... I don't know, Christmassy.
Wh-- what does that mean, "Christmassy"? What--
It means "like Christmas".
No, you... you gotta work with me, Charlie. I mean, nutmeg, cinnamon, powdered reindeer...
I don't know. It's just that when you drank it, it just felt like Christmas morning and anything was possible.
[Berta has lower back pain while lifting up a laundry basket]
You, uh, you do a lot of lifting? [Berta gives him a dirty look] Of course you do. You're a maid, and I'm an ass.
I'm a housekeeper.
Yes.
And you're an ass.
You know what, Charlie? You're impossible! I give up. I'll go get Berta back.
Fine! Good!
All right, where does she live?
I don't know.
All right, what's her last name?
I don't know.
Your entire life revolves around this woman and you don't know anything about her!
Wait!.... She took a bus!
I stand corrected.
Since you can't live without her [Berta], you big baby, I will go apologize and get her back.
Great!
So, where does she live?
I don't know.
Okay, what's her last name? [Charlie starts to think] Your entire life depends on this woman and you know nothing about her!
Wait!.... She took a bus!
I stand corrected.
Oh! Oh! Uh....after she works here in the morning, she cleans some rockstar's house!
Okay. What rockstar? Where?
[knocks on the balcony door & replies] Steven Tyler from Aerosmith, 4456 Malibu Canyon Road.
[to Rose] Thank you.
Jake, for the last time, nobody got creamed. No one won, no one lost.
Yeah, except for us, 12 to 2.
Hey, pal, it doesn't matter if you win or lose. It's whether or not you beat the spread.
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