Chelsea quotes from Two and a Half Men

Chelsea

Who's my best friend? Where do I work? What's my cat's name? What's my favorite movie? What kind of music do I like? What religion was I raised in? And do I have any brothers and sisters?

Charlie

Okay, I'd like to startwith the cat.

Charlie

And how's your family back in... Davenport, Iowa?

Chelsea

I'm from Champaign, Illinois.

Charlie

You sure?

Chelsea

I'm sure.

Charlie

Bastard set me up!

Charlie

Hey, Jake...

Jake

You might wanna hang back a sec. I just ripped off an air biscuit.

Chelsea

What?

Jake

I farted. Sorry, I get the fancy words from my dad.

Chelsea

What the hell did I just swallow?

Charlie

A one-bedroom condo.

Chelsea

What?

Charlie

I put a diamond ring in your champagne glass!

Chelsea

Why?

Charlie

What do you mean, "why?" I was gonna propose and I had no idea you'd chug it like a Jell-O shot!

Chelsea

That was a ring I just swallowed?!

Charlie

Hey, who drinks champagne like that?

Chelsea

I was thirsty! Stop yelling at me!

Charlie

How in God's name could you swallow it so easily?!

Chelsea

Hey, that's one of the things you love about me!

Chelsea

I think I'm coming down with a cold. [blows her nose]

Charlie

That doesn't sound like a cold. It sounds like quitting time in Bedrock.

Chelsea

Believe me, when you meet my mom, you'll thank God for Evelyn.

Charlie

What the hell is your mom, a rabid werewolf who craps hot lava on people?

Charlie

Oh, come on, Chelsea! Is this about money? 'Cause I'd be happy to pay the lease on your apartment.

Chelsea

It's not about money, you ass! I just think it's ridiculous that we're engaged and not living together!

Charlie

Well, excuse me for being old-fashioned! I'm just not comfortable with us living in sin.

Chelsea

So you think we should stop having sex?

Charlie

No, no, no, it's not the "sin" I object to, it's the "living" in it.

Chelsea

What do you want me to do, Charlie?! You want me to leave?!

Charlie

No, no, no, you just got here! I'll leave! It'll make more room for you and Sir Crapsalot!

Chelsea

Charlie...

Charlie

Get a good earful?

Berta

No.

Jake

I did, and I don't appreciate being called "Sir Crapsalot".

Jake

Where's Uncle Charlie?

Chelsea

Said he had some sort of meeting.

Jake

That means poker or strip club. [everyone in the kitchen stares at him] I'm sure it's poker.

Chelsea

Did you ask if he wants to go to the movies with us?

Charlie

No.

Chelsea

Why not?

Charlie

Because he's a ticking time bomb and we don't wanna be in the car with him when he goes off!

Chelsea

Come on, he's breaking my heart. Staying home all alone on a Friday night.

Charlie

Don't worry. You know how they say you can be alone, but not lonely?

Chelsea

Yeah?

Charlie

Well, Alan's kinda the opposite. He's always lonely, but he's never alone.

Chelsea

He's going through a tough time. Your brother should be surrounded by friends and family.

Charlie

My brother should be surrounded by a SWAT team.

Chelsea

Please. For me?

Charlie

Chelsea, we agreed that you only get one of those a month. Are you sure you wanna waste it on Alan?

Charlie

You know, just once I'd like to walk in this room [the kitchen] and not be freaked out.

Chelsea

Alan was just showing me his butt exercises.

Charlie

Have him show you the one where he sticks his head up there. That's my favorite.

Chelsea

I can't get over how into this baby you are.

Charlie

It was amazing. The miracle of birth. If Judith hadn't been there it would have been perfect.

Chelsea

So you're not against maybe having one of your own someday?

Charlie

I don't see why not. Turns out, I love babies, and as you know, I'm a longtime fan of intercourse.