Mia quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

Look, if you knew me at all and shut me down, it would be one thing, but to be dismissed on a simple "hello", well, that's a tough pill to swallow.

Mia

Would you rather I give it to you in a suppository?

Charlie

Well, to be perfectly honest...

Mia

Good-bye. [leaves]

Alan

Hey, hey, did you hear that?

Charlie

What?

Alan

It's a... it's a fat lady, and she's... singing.

Charlie

You'd give up right now, wouldn't you?

Alan

Charlie, Elvis has left the building! I mean, giving up is a little moot at this point.

Charlie

Yeah, well, that kind of attitude is why you sleep alone with a copy of Monster Boobs magazine under your pillow.

Alan

Stay out of my room.

Mia

OK, let's start first position. Jake, do you know first position?

Jake

Is that like missionary position?

Mia

Your uncle and I would like to spend some alone time together.

Jake

Oh... all right.

Charlie

You want me to tuck you in?

Jake

I'm too old to get tucked in, you... you ass-face!

Charlie

You know, on a counter-programming note, the Lakers are playing Miami tonight.

Mia

Would you rather watch that?

Charlie

No, no, this is fine. Of course, I don't have a $500 bet down on the ballet.

Mia

You wanna go upstairs?

Charlie

Not right now.

Mia

Oh, please don't tell me you got somebody in your room?

Mia

The fancy beach house works with a lot of women, doesn't it?

Charlie

Honestly, it's like a G-spot with two mortgages.

Mia

Well, just so you know, I'm nogjt with you for your house or your money.

Charlie

So it's the car.

Mia

Why would I care about your car?

Charlie

It's an $80,000 Mercedes.

Mia

Yeah, so what does it do that other cars don't do?

Charlie

It costs $80,000!

Charlie

And did she [Evelyn] or did she not say that I'm a lazy-ass schlock jingle writer who wasted thirteen years of piano lessons that she paid for by marrying a series of men with large wallets and small penises?

Mia

Yes, that was mentioned. But it's only natural for someone who loves you to want to see you live up to your potential. I mean, do you really want to be known as the guy who writes songs about adult diapers?

Charlie

Hey, it's better than being known as the guy who wears them.

Charlie

Well, good! Maybe now you know how I feel, sitting in a restaurant eating medallions of bean curd with lawnmower sauce! Am I right? No man should have to eat anything with the word "curd" in it!

Mia

You know, you're turning into a real ass here!

Charlie

Well, then, I'm finally living up to my potential. [Mia leaves] I'm a big ol' bourbon-soaked, cigar-humping ass, as God in His infinite wisdom meant me to be. As He meant all men to be! [one person claps but everyone else is silent] You guys are disappointing God.

Mia

Why don't I get changed and I'll stop by your house in a little while?

Charlie

Sure, I'll be up, 'cause you know, I'm a night person.

Mia

I remember.

Charlie

Of course, if you come too late, I could be drunk.

Mia

I remember.

Charlie

Or there could be other women there.

Mia

I remember.

Mia

Charlie, The reason I came here is... I want your sperm.

Charlie

Alright, where do you want it?

Mia

My dad called today; he wants to take your family out to dinner.

Charlie

Yeah, well tell him he can have one or the other, but not both!

Mia

Come on Charlie, they're gonna have to meet sooner or later.

Charlie

Ok, but why don't we wait for a real happy occasion?

Mia

What's happier than a wedding?

Charlie

Well, my mother's funeral springs to mind! There'll be music, dancing...my mom'll be in a box!

Berta

Well, looks who's here, the Bride of Drunkenstein.

Mia

Look. [Mia shows her engagement ring to Berta]

Berta

Wow, that's quite a rock. You know what we call babes with rings like that in my neighborhood? Stumpy.