Rose quotes from Two and a Half Men

Rose

Oh, I almost forgot. I thought you should have this. It's our first restraining order. Look how shaky your signature was. You were so spooked.

Alan

Since you can't live without her [Berta], you big baby, I will go apologize and get her back.

Charlie

Great!

Alan

So, where does she live?

Charlie

I don't know.

Alan

Okay, what's her last name? [Charlie starts to think] Your entire life depends on this woman and you know nothing about her!

Charlie

Wait!.... She took a bus!

Alan

I stand corrected.

Charlie

Oh! Oh! Uh....after she works here in the morning, she cleans some rockstar's house!

Alan

Okay. What rockstar? Where?

Rose

[knocks on the balcony door & replies] Steven Tyler from Aerosmith, 4456 Malibu Canyon Road.

Alan

[to Rose] Thank you.

Charlie

I'm not a particularly religious guy, but clearly, a power much greater than myself wants me to knock somebody up someday.

Rose

You called?

Rose

Oh, Charlie, you don't need a girl like that. You could do so much better.

Charlie

You're right, I can. She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head?

Rose

That's not where I was going, but let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic...

Charlie

Oh, my God!

Rose

What?

Charlie

I'm dating myself. No wonder the sex is weird.

Alan

Ferrets?

Rose

Yeah, I have five of the toothy, little guys.

Alan

No-- no kidding. Five ferrets? Those are like, uh, long, furry rats, right?

Rose

Yup, and they're all named Charlie.

Rose

What is that about?

Jake

I don't know, but one of them suffers from erectile dysfunction.

Charlie

Rose, please, don't try to psychoanalyze me.

Rose

Oh, Charlie, psychoanalysis takes years. I'm just messing around inside your head.

Rose

OK, now it's time for party games.

Charlie

I've got one. [grabs a bottle of liquor] It's called "Drink Until This Night Makes Some Sort of Sense".

Rose

So I suppose Charlie hasn't told you I have a new man in my life.

Evelyn

Oh, good for you, dear. Does the man know yet?

Charlie

All right, I didn't want to have to do this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Berta

What are you gonna do?

Charlie

Something I hoped I'd never have to do.

Rose

You don't mean...

Charlie

I'm afraid so. [on the phone]: Hello? Mom?

Alan

God, what plague have you set upon me now?

Evelyn

Alan? It's Mommy!

Alan

Good one.

Rose

Boy, you look like hell.

Charlie

Well, that's strange, 'cause I feel like crap.

Charlie

Let me tell you something about feelings. Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know where they are, but they are best left unfelt.

Rose

It's an interesting analogy, but may I point out that a mother's breasts are a source for nourishment and comfort?

Charlie

Yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and Russian vodka.

Well... I don't like fat guys.

Charlie

Interesting. Turns out... I draw the line at incest.

So you'd do a fat guy?

Rose

Did you hear that? Charlie found his boundary!

Berta

It's a miracle!

Rose

A Christmas miracle.

Rose

How could you have a Christmas party and not invite me?

Charlie

This isn't a Christmas party.

Rose

Well, what do you call it?

Charlie

The beginning of a news story that ends with the phrase "He then turned the gun on himself".

Charlie

Oh God, it's all coming back.[Remembering the men he has seen his mother have sex with as a child] Uncle Joe, Uncle Steve, Uncle Jorje. Oh God...[looks terrified] Uncle Jorge. And I wasn't related to any one of them.

Rose

Wow.

Charlie

Yeah. Tell me about it. Not only was Aunt Wendy not my aunt, there was no snakebite on her boob!