Two and a Half Men · Season 12
You don't have the death certificate, do you?
No, but I'm sure my mom does.
How are you gonna get it from her without telling her about the money?
Uh, remember four years ago, how I told you I'd only be here a few days? I think I can figure it out.
[looking at audience] I can't wait for this to be over.
[in a text to Walden] You despicable troll. You thought you could replace my ninja awesomeness, you lame clown. I will deploy army of assassins to destroy you, I will bring my bayonets of truth to the hexagon of death where I will carve my initials into your reptilian skull and cover you in tiger's blood.
This guy has some serious rage issues.
Has he tried anger management?
Yeah, but it didn’t work.
I’m not letting Charlie drive me out of this house. I reward his bad behavior.
Yeah, that’s only supposed to happen in show business.
Wow, look at that.
Someone's having a piano delivered by helicopter.
That's the kind of extravagant thing Charlie would do. He had a baby grand just like that.
It's coming right this way. You don't think...that it's possible that the cops got the wrong guy, do you?
[after a thought] Nah!
[Charlie, seen from behind, walks up to the front door and rings the doorbell. He is immediately crushed by the piano. Pull back to Chuck Lorre, sitting in the director's chair]
[turning to audience] Winning.
[He is crushed by another piano, last lines in the series]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
