Judith quotes from Two and a Half Men

Judith

Impasse!

Judith

[About Jake] He can't go in the water this weekend, he's got an ear infection.

Jake

Awwwww, Mom...

Alan

No, it's OK, pal, we'll have a great weekend. We can go to Disneyland, we can play miniature golf, go bowling, bike riding, whatever you want.

Charlie

Alan, relax. You're starting to sound like a tampon commercial.

Alan

Sure, start splitting them up early. That's your answer for everything, isn't it?

Judith

Excuse me?

Alan

Uh, would Mrs. Plaintiff please see Mr. Respondent in the hallway?

Alan

Uh, l-- look, I-- I appreciate your-- your feelings for me, but I have to tell you, I-- I really think your-- your daughter deserves a lot of respect. I mean it-- it takes real courage to make changes in your life and not worry about what everybody thinks.

Judith

Thank you, Alan.

Evelyn

That's true. The lesbians of my generation were too scared to come out of the closet.

Alan

You haven't told them?

Judith

No. I thought it would be more appropriate coming from your mother.

Alan

Jake, come here, sit down.

Jake

Did I do something wrong?

Charlie

No, just sit down. We wanna talk to you about something.

Jake

[sits down] OK.

Alan

Well Jake, you know how I always told you to tell your parents about what's happening and everything you've been doing.

Jake

Yeah.

Alan

Well you...

Charlie

You don't have to do that anymore. You're a big boy now and you, you don't have to do that now.

Jake

Why?

Alan

Well because, now that you're older, we feel that some things are best kept to yourself.

Jake

Or you just don't want mom to find out about Prudence.

Charlie

That too.

Jake

OK.

Judith

[Enters] Hi Jake, ready to go?

Jake

Sure. [Walks out with Judith]

Judith

So how was your weekend?

Jake

Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.

Alan

I'm sorry, there's just been a lot of stuff going on.

Judith

Yeah, I just met your brother's latest "stuff".

Alan

Why do you assume it's his stuff?

Judith

What, is it yours?

Alan

No, but it's not his either!

Charlie

But it could be.

Alan

Says who?

Charlie

Says your ex-wife!

Judith

Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?

Evelyn

Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way.

Judith

OK, fine. You always wanted Liz, go ahead. Here's your chance. Give her your little "adjustment". And maybe while you're having a good time with my sister, I'll have a good time with your brother. [puts her right arm around Charlie]

Charlie

Beg pardon?

Judith

Oh, don't be coy with me, Charlie. You know we've always had sexual tension between us!

Charlie

Really? I... thought it was just regular tension.

Judith

Come on, I've seen you looking at my chest.

Alan

You looked at my wife's chest?

Charlie

Hey, I'm a guy!

Charlie

Ah, better use the wooden ones.

Judith

What's wrong with these?

Charlie

I use those whenever I drop my watch in the toilet.

Judith

Is this a regular occurrence?

Charlie

You'd think I'd learn.

Judith

And you keep them in the kitchen?

Charlie

I used to hang them on a little hook in the bathroom, but it freaked some chicks out.

Judith

I'm surprised to see you home on a Saturday night, what with your fun, bachelor lifestyle.

Charlie

Well, I got laid this morning, so I thought I'd kick back tonight.

Judith

When I brought him [Jake] home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!

Alan

Uh, well, Judith... you do.

Judith

I'm warning you, Alan, things had better change around here or there will be serious consequences. Legal consequences! Got it?

Alan

Got it.

Judith

Good-bye. [leaves; Alan shuts the door]

Alan

What if he [Jake] comes back? Maybe I should go.

Judith

Or we could, uh, go upstairs and get in bed.

Alan

Bed? Our old bed?

Judith

My new bed.

Alan

What was wrong with the old one?

Judith

Too many memories.

Alan

Of what? You pretending to sleep and me watching Letterman?

Charlie

Don't say it, Judith; you'll just be demeaning all women. And yes.

Judith

Figures. Well, I don't want her [Kandi] around my son.

Alan

Oh, oh, oh, really? So, do I get to screen the men that you're dating? And let's not forget, I know about that guy who delivered the truckload of sod.

Judith

What about him?

Alan

[scoffs] It doesn't take two months to put down a new lawn, Judith.

Charlie

Sounds like she got laid before the sod did.

Alan

Well, wait a second-- why did you take vitamins?

Jake

I was tired!

Alan

OK, but-- but where did you find vitamins to take?

Jake

In your medicine cabinet.

Alan

I don't have any vitamins in my medicine cabinet.

Jake

Yeah, you do -- the little blue ones with a "V" on them.

Charlie

Oooh.

Judith

What's going on? I don't understand.

Berta

The kid's gonna need another party hat.