Berta quotes from Two and a Half Men

Berta

Well I'd better be going. [Sees a jacket that was thrown on the floor] I'll pick that up on Monday.

Berta

Alan? I got a riddle for you: What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: It's your kid.

Berta

Who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a getaway car?

Berta

Yeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do her.

Berta

I'm guessing you could use a good scrubbing.

Berta

OK, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead, but, Golly Moses, she's a muffin.

Berta

Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter Naomi. The light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from Heaven and landed on a married man's penis.

Berta

I'm proud of you, Zippy. The world is a much happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion.

Berta

Sometimes when people drink, they do things they wouldn't normally do. Me, I like to walk into a biker bar and take a swing at the biggest chick there.

Berta

What's bugging you, Zippy? Your blow-up doll run off with a pool toy?

Berta

(on how she gets people to leave) Just tell 'em you missed your period and you're out of pot.

Alan

You, uh, you do a lot of lifting? [Berta gives him a dirty look] Of course you do. You're a maid, and I'm an ass.

Berta

I'm a housekeeper.

Alan

Yes.

Berta

And you're an ass.

Charlie

Berta?

Berta

No, it's Liz Hurley, but I'm holding water.

Charlie

I'm still sleeping here. Could you come back in a little while?

Berta

I could, or you could get your pampered ass out of bed and let me do my demeaning job and get on with my hellish life.

Jake

Berta, does Prudence have a boyfriend?

Berta

Oh, honey, don't get me started.

Jake

What does that mean?

Berta

It means: If she gets a high school diploma before she gets a baby, she'll be the first one in the family.

Berta

[Because Charlie is facing money problems] Don't worry Charlie, you don't need to pay me this week.

Charlie

Thank you Berta.

Berta

I'll just take this espresso maker and be on my way.

Alan

What happened to him?

Charlie

If I didn't know better, I'd swear he got laid last night.

Berta

I hope you don't mind, but I talked to him before he went to sleep last night.

Alan

What did you say?

Berta

I said: "Drink this bottle of prune juice". You feed him nothing but pizza and pancakes! It's a wonder his eyeballs are still in their sockets.