Walden'Twas the night before Christmas when all down the beach
Not a creature was stirring, not even a leech.
Alan was nestled, all snug in his bed
While visions of lesbians danced in his head.
Brooke and Jenny were sleeping, a long winter's nap
Surrounded by bottles with nary a cap.
Jenny was nervous and frightened, but took a big chance.
She let Brooke in her heart, as well as her pants.
While Berta in her vest and I in my hattie
Had just baked our brains out with a big Christmas fatty.
We started to doze, we hadn't a care.
Happy Christmas to all. My balls have no hair.
(Walden and Alan, in a bar, talking about Judith and Alan's divorce)
Walden
Why did she (Judith) leave you?
Not a clue, she's a crazy bitch.
So, just out of curiosity, how does someone get to be worth so much money?
Walden
Well, it's pretty simple, really. You ever hear of BlunGogo.com?
Walden
You never will, because Microsoft bought it from me for $1.3 Billion. Then they bundled it with their "iPod killer," the Zune.
Really? I don't think it came with my Zune.
Walden
You bought a Zune?
…and what pray tell is that?
Walden
That is a 46" high-definition plasma screen TV, complete with a deluxe sports satellite package.
Walden
No, we could switch it to a movie package.
Walden
Oh, okay, we'll add it.
And don't forget the adult channels.
Walden
No problem.
You have to ask for them specifically otherwise they block them.
Walden
Right.
[...]
LLyndsey
"You got any porn on this thing?"
"Uh, gee, I, I don't know."
LLyndsey
"Why don't you check? Shake things up a bit."
"Oh, gosh, well, I, yeah, I guess I, I guess I, I-I could do that. Oh, look, there's some now. How fortuitous."
[As a girl walks up the stairs, Jenny Harper, Charlie's long-lost daughter, stops Walden in his tracks]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?
Walden
Up to show her.
Oh, you thought...? Oh, no-no-no-no-no, she's mine. Next time, I'll get two.
[Jenny walks upstairs]
Walden
What just happened?
Walden
Why in the world do you wear boys' husky underwear?
Okay, you know how some people trim the hedges to make the tree look bigger? Well, I say stuff the tree in a smaller yard.
Walden
Well, when the police raid the house and find a drawer full of boys' underwear, that's not gonna be good for any of us.
Neither is a drawer full of pot.
Walden
That's why I wrote "Not Pot" on it.
Don’t worry, nothing could have happened, I’m gay.
Walden
[relieved] Ah, that's right. You're gay. Wait, how gay? Like, 1 being "Yay, it’s college!" Or 10 being "I’m going Subaru shopping with Ellen and Rosie."
I'm closer to a nine. I mean, I make my own soap, but I don’t sell it at the Lilith Fair.
Two and a Half Men · 811 quotes
