Look at him. He can type eighty words a minute with his thumb, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.
Fortunately, typing is a job skill and peeing is not.
Jake [while text messaging]: Oh, dude, WTF?
S6 E1Taterhead Is Our Love Child
[after Alan sings "Cat's in the Cradle" while washing dishes]
It's not funny.
Well, maybe not funny "ha-ha", but certainly funny "hee-hee".
That boy was nothing like me.
Well, he doesn't have ear hair and whiskey breath, but I'm guessing he'll grow into that.
Hey, hey, lots of kids are named "Chuck", play the piano, and look disturbingly like me.
He's right. In fact, I'm surprised we're not up to our asses in 'em.
Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles. One: If at all possible, ladies first. Two: It's easier to be forgiven than ask permission. And third and most important: the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.
Except when they don't work.
Stupid tiny disclaimer on the side of the box. They should put it in big letters right on the reservoir tip. "Do you feel lucky, dumbass?"
What I've wanted to ask you is, "Do you think I've been a good role model?"
Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!
You think so?
Yeah, they should put your face on money.
[about condoms]
RRussel
Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product, there's always gonna be flaws in the process.
Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in?
RRussel
Well, sure, but they don't test every one.
They don't?
RRussel
Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?
S6 E2Pie Hole, Herb
[Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign]
Thanks, Mom. Th-- this is a perfect first job for him.
First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
How much are you paying him?
Obviously, too much. Look at him! [Jake is picking his nose] For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Playboy?
Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.
[An ice cream truck turns the corner on which Jake is located. He drops the sign and runs after it.]
[Jake is reading the censored Playboy that Evelyn promised him]
What are you doing?
Thanks to Grandma, I'm reading an interview with Jimmy Kimmel.
OK, OK, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!
Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of "fun", and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.
So, bottom line, you don't have my money.
No.
The money you promised to pay back today.
The day hasn't even started yet!
It started for me.
That's only because you're on Douchebag Savings Time!
I want my forty dollars!
I only borrowed thirty-eight.
Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember.
You like round numbers, do you?
Yeah, I-- I like round numbers.
OK, here's a round number for you: zero. Nice, tight circular shape. [makes a fist]: Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Sound familiar, Alan?
Are you calling me anal?
That's right. A-L-A-N. Anal.
But, uh, but FYI, Charlie's a thief, a liar, and I suspect something of a firebug.
Really. Hmmm, he always struck me as a straight-shooter. Little loosey-goosey with the liquor and the ladies, but, uh, all in all, a good fella.
In what universe is Charlie Harper a "good fella"?
Well, I certainly don't know him as well as you do, so I'll just shut my pie hole.
S6 E3Damn You, Eggs Benedict
At the risk of tooting my own horn, I am actually seeing two different women.
Wow. Two women?
Yeah.
And yet you're still tooting your own horn.
Go, my son, drizzle thy frosting on the divorced sticky buns of the Valley!
Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain-cells.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.