Two and a Half Men · Season 4
[Charlie is in bed with three women]
Listen, I-- I really need to talk to you. Can you come downstairs?
Sure. Give me... an hour and a half.
An hour and a half?
I know it's a little rushed, but we're on a tight schedule here! Tina's got homework, Cindy's got to meet her fiancé, and Marie... well, Marie's on the clock.
You already had two women in bed and you felt the need to call a professional?
Better safe than sorry.
Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.
Thanks, pal!
You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.
[Alan is lying on his bed looking sad]
I just want to be alone.
Well you don't need me, it's your home run swing.
Just close the door on the way out.
Fine I'll close it, then I'll nail it shut, plaster it over and hang over it a picture of something a little more cheerful, like a plane crash.
All right, I didn't want to have to do this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
[goes to the phone]
What are you gonna do?
Something I hoped I'd never have to do.
You don't mean...
I'm afraid so. [on the phone]: Hello? Mom?
[Cut to Alan lying in bed. There's a knock on the door. Alan looks up]
God, what plague have you set upon me now?
Alan? It's Mommy!
Good one.
Thanks for taking Jake back to Judith's.
No problem. Sorry I had to send Mom in there.
No, no, you, uh... you did the right thing. I needed a good slap in the face. Although with Mom it's more like a nailgun to the testicles.
[reads newspaper headline]: "Mudslide kills 600 religious pilgrims." And yet both my ex-wives live on.
Boy, you look like hell.
Well, that's strange, 'cause I feel like crap.
Let me tell you something about feelings. Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know where they are, but they are best left unfelt.
It's an interesting analogy, but may I point out that a mother's breasts are a source for nourishment and comfort?
Yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and Russian vodka.
Yeah, well, I don't have to face anything I don't want to face, and I don't have to feel anything I don't want to feel, and that includes Mom's vodka knockers!
Who is this "Vod Kanockers" that you speak of?
Eat your dinner.
The name's Kanockers. Vod Kanockers.
Looks like you had a tough night.
No, the night was great. It's the morning that's killing me!
If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with only one leg work at? [pause] IHOP!
Hey, a lot of people pay to see me play harmonica.
They pay to hear you sing. They tolerate the harmonica!
Sorry I don't measure up to your musical standards, you lame-ass jingle writer!
All right, let's see how you play harmonica out your other end!
Now, now-now-now-now, let's slow down here, c'mon.
Let's see what you got, jingle balls!
OK, I'm gonna rip off your big fat lips and use 'em to kiss my ass!
[driving Charlie home from the hospital after the punch up with Tyler] You know, the dude may look like a lady, but you fight like a little girl.
[a bandaged Charlie is making a needlepoint sampler]
"God bless Vicoden?"
Pretty good, huh?
You spelled "Vicodin" wrong.
That's the great thing about Vicodin. I don't care.
OK, well, good luck with the tour!
Thanks a lot, man.
Who's the sponsor, Metamucil?
What was that?
Nothing, nothing.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
