Two and a Half Men · Season 5
Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.
[at the shoe store]
How do they feel?
OK, but they're ugly. They look like old people shoes.
They're not old people shoes. They're walking shoes.
Right, for people who've been walking over eighty-five years.
I hope he [Jake] didn't wander under the bleachers during lunch hour.
Ah, he's smarter than that.
Smart? Charlie, he only got out of sixth grade 'cause he couldn't fit in the desks anymore.
And-And what about you?
What about me?
You're afraid of everything.
Like what?
Well, let's see. Germs, change, commitment, opening your eyes under water, angry husbands, angry ex-girlfriends, large birds, spiders, and mom.
Hold on. Hold on a sec. I am not afraid to open my eyes under water. I'm just sensitive to chlorine. And for the record, it's just when birds get indoors. In the sky, I got no problem.
Fine, fine. Live in denial. I'm gonna try and straighten my kid out.
Charlie: And what sane person is not afraid of spiders.
Remember, Jake, courage is not the absence of fear, it's taking action despite fear.
We have a saying in my country. "You can put a tuxedo on a goat, but still a goat. "
Yeah, well, we have a saying in my country, too: "Help me, my balls are on fire!"
Well, I-- I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.
So now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?
No, no, I really have a date. And-- and the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.
Charlie, what about you?
I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.
Now, I have been to a lot of these things with Mom, and I know you think it's gonna be bad, but believe me, it's gonna be worse than you can even imagine.
You're really enjoying this, aren't you? You just love seeing me unhappy.
Yeah. I mean, did you feel sorry for me when I had to wear that cowboy outfit to her celebrity AIDS hoedown?
That was different.
How?
It was you.
Yeah, well, now it's you. Yippie-ki-yay, mother-accompanier.
She [Evelyn] can be a cranky drunk.
Cranky? I got bitch-slapped with my own ten-gallon hat.
Sharon, I have been rejected by... thirty-two different women in my life. And you know what? It's never been me.
OK, it's you. Feel better?
Actually, no.
You're a very nice guy...
No, no, that's even worse! You know what they say about nice guys?
Yes, they finish last.
No, they finish in the shower.
Hey, Berta? You're a woman.
Where are we going with this, Zippy?
I was just wondering, uh, what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.
Where the hell should I go?
Out the window.
Are you crazy? I'm not going out the window.
He's an ex-Marine.
I'm going out the window.
Hey, if you two [birds] don't have any other plans, why don't you fly over to the Hollywood Bowl and take a crap on my brother?
A blind date? Forget it, Charlie Harper does not go on blind dates.
He doesn't?
No, he doesn't.
Can't we ask him?
Don't bother. I know what he'll say.
OK, but does he have to say it in the third person?
I can't believe it. You're nervous about a date.
Of course I'm nervous! What am I gonna talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a forty-year-old woman since high school!
Well, Charlie, that's the great thing about seeing someone your own age. There's always something to talk about because what you've been through, she's been through.
Oh, I hardly think so.
All right, point taken. But she's a fascinating woman. She's a municipal court judge, she teaches law at UCLA...
Aw, man, you didn't tell me that!
Does that make a difference?
It makes a big difference! The smarter the girl, the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
