I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother and his incredible love for life.
He also loved being back for a week.
MMichelle
…while wearing my panties.
He used my panties to make tea.
S9 E1Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
That's Okay brother.
Oh, I'm sorry I made you spill him.
That's okay, that's okay. I'll Dustbust him later.
You know what, I'll get out of your way. Thank you for letting me use your phone.
(Walden and Alan, in a bar, talking about Judith and Alan's divorce)
Why did she (Judith) leave you?
Not a clue, she's a crazy bitch.
So, just out of curiosity, how does someone get to be worth so much money?
Well, it's pretty simple, really. You ever hear of BlunGogo.com?
No.
You never will, because Microsoft bought it from me for $1.3 Billion. Then they bundled it with their "iPod killer," the Zune.
Really? I don't think it came with my Zune.
You bought a Zune?
I had a coupon.
S9 E2People Who Love Peepholes
I love peepholes.
You know what they say: "People who love peepholes are the luckiest people in the world."
S9 E3Big Girls Don't Throw Food
Wait a minute, Why are we calling it Jake's room?
Herpes (Alan) has a kid.
Herpes Junior?
S9 E7Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
(Walden and Evelyn just had sex)
Promise you won't tell Alan?
I gonna tell everybody.
S9 E9Frodo's Headshots
Have you told your mother about this?
No, I was hoping you'd tell her.
Why would I tell her?
Because she already hates you and she scares the crap out of me.
How could you do this?! How could you have an affair when I'm locked up in a booby hatch?!?
I thought it was a stress clinic.
EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT IT WAS!!! I lost my freaking mind!! But luckily, now I'm better! So, I'll have the tools to cope with WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT ME!!!
S9 E14A Possum on Chemo
[Jake and Eldridge are high]
It seems overly complicated.
What is?
Why don't they just make chips with the dip already on them?
Dude, that's a million dollar idea.
What is?
Pre-dipped chips.
Hey, that's a million dollar idea.
What's a million dollar idea?
It's an idea worth a million dollars.
Boy, I wish I had one of those.
S9 E23The Straw In My Donut Hole
…and what pray tell is that?
That is a 46" high-definition plasma screen TV, complete with a deluxe sports satellite package.
Nice! No movies?
No, we could switch it to a movie package.
Or you could add it.
Oh, okay, we'll add it.
And don't forget the adult channels.
No problem.
You have to ask for them specifically otherwise they block them.
Right.
[...]
LLyndsey
"You got any porn on this thing?"
"Uh, gee, I, I don't know."
LLyndsey
"Why don't you check? Shake things up a bit."
"Oh, gosh, well, I, yeah, I guess I, I guess I, I-I could do that. Oh, look, there's some now. How fortuitous."
S9 E24Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Come on, Judith. He's your son, too. I have videotape of him shooting out of your body.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.