Evelyn quotes from Two and a Half Men

Evelyn

Charles, didn't I ask you to confine your debauchery to outlet stores?

Evelyn

Excuse me, I'd like to say a few words before we fold up the dining room table and commence the square dancing. Alan, you are my son and I love you...but you and I are through.

Evelyn

Why am I not surprised? Did it have to be my red chiffon?

Evelyn

Alan, darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.

Evelyn

I want you two and Jake to come to dinner and meet Tommy.

Well...

Alan

Jake has this thing...

Charlie

Got work.

Alan

Judith will have Jake.

Charlie

Don't really want to.

Evelyn

Is there anyone in the 310 area code that you have not mounted?

Charlie

Come on, we went out a couple of times. She assumed it was an exclusive thing, and when she found out it wasn't, she got a little upset. [waves at Olivia after she stares at him] Anyway, Tommy seems like a real nice guy. I'm-- I'm very happy for you. Good night. [starts to leave]

Evelyn

Charles, you are not going anywhere. This man is very important to me. Now, we are going to have a nice dinner, you are going to be charming, and Tommy will remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.

Charlie

Hey, she wasn't exactly filed when I met her!

Alan

Uh, l-- look, I-- I appreciate your-- your feelings for me, but I have to tell you, I-- I really think your-- your daughter deserves a lot of respect. I mean it-- it takes real courage to make changes in your life and not worry about what everybody thinks.

Judith

Thank you, Alan.

Evelyn

That's true. The lesbians of my generation were too scared to come out of the closet.

Alan

You haven't told them?

Judith

No. I thought it would be more appropriate coming from your mother.

Evelyn

He certainly knows how to treat a woman.

Charlie

He used to BE a woman!

Evelyn

And he knows what I like in bed.

Charlie

He knows what I like in bed!

Judith

Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?

Evelyn

Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way.

Evelyn

Granted, I have no idea what's it like to be an eleven-year-old boy, but I do know one thing, sweetheart. You have no idea what real unhappiness is. Real unhappiness is being totally ignored by the very people you gave birth to! Real unhappiness is when you're recovering from liposuction and your only grandson doesn't even send you a get-well card. And FYI, I only had that surgery so you wouldn't have a grandmommy with matronly upper arms.

Alan

Well, if he didn't need a shrink before, he needs one now.

Jake

My doctor has a cow puppet.

Evelyn

Oh MD or Ph D.?

Jake

C-O-W.

Charlie

I'm not saying I hate you, but if I did, it might have something to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic bloodsucker who drove my father into an early grave, after which you married a succession of men who couldn't care less about Alan and me, which was just fine with you 'cause you... looked at us like a couple of dancing monkeys you could just haul out whenever it suited you! And when it didn't, you sent us off to boarding school or camp or that kibbutz in Israel, where we got beat up 'cause we weren't even Jewish! And now... now you show up here every chance you get to lay a guilt trip on me for not appreciating my cold, lonely, loveless childhood!

Evelyn

Well... obviously you're not ready to talk about it.

Evelyn

Charlie, I need to borrow your Mercedes.

Charlie

Well, since you're in a hurry, I'll give you a quick answer: no.

Evelyn

Charlie, please, I'm showing a house in half an hour.

Charlie

What's wrong with that little electric car you bought?

Evelyn

Oh, nothing! Well, it's fine, it's hip, it's what anyone who cares about this planet is driving. But if you're trying to sell real estate to a Saudi oil prince, you can't be driving up in some little toy car with a plug in the bumper.

Alan

Um, you could use my car, Mom.

Evelyn

You see? Now that is how a loving son treats his mother. [to Alan]: Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful.

Evelyn

I left a $300 bra in the back seat of your Mercedes, and I want it back.

Charlie

Oh, my. How in heaven's name did that happen, Mother?

Evelyn

Well, if you must know--

Alan

I don't need to know.

Evelyn

Oh, Alan, grow up. [to Charlie]: I sold a $12 million house and I wanted to celebrate.

Charlie

With the Saudi prince?

Evelyn

Don't be ridiculous. He's got nine wives and they're all, like, eleven years old. No, I-- I was with the seller's realtor. Splitting that juicy commission made us both so hot, we barely made it off the front lawn. Now go get Mommy's bra.

Evelyn

[About the menu] See anything you like dear?

Jake

I don't know. What's venison?

Evelyn

Deer.

Jake

What?

Evelyn

Deer.

Jake

What?

Evelyn

Deer. D-E-E-R.

Jake

What? W-H-A-T.

Evelyn

[To Alan] What's wrong with him?

Alan

Jake, she means the deer in the forest, like uh, Bambi.

Jake

Oh cool, let's eat Bambi!

Charlie

Coming soon to Pay-per-view.