Jake quotes from Two and a Half Men

Jake

It's okay, Dad.

Jake

Why do you say "freakin'"? I know what you mean. I'm not a little kid anymore.

Jake

If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with only one leg work at? [pause] IHOP!

Jake

[To Evelyn after her plastic surgery] Dad says you got your butt in your lips. SO if you burp now it'll really be a fart right?

Jake

(Imitating Harry Potter) 'Ello ladies!

Jake

I think competitive eating really changed when that Japanese guy started wetting the hot dog buns. I actually figured out that trick myself... by accident.

Jake

He drinks.

Jake

Why is your head exploding?

Charlie

Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.

Jake

If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?

Charlie

Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.

Jake

You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."

Charlie

Tell you what... here's twenty. That should cover me until lunch.

Jake

My parents are splitting up.

Charlie

Yeah, looks that way. You're lucky. When I was a kid I could only dream about my parents splitting up.

Jake

Your mom is my grandma.

Charlie

Yeah.

Jake

Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.

Judith

[About Jake] He can't go in the water this weekend, he's got an ear infection.

Jake

Awwwww, Mom...

Alan

No, it's OK, pal, we'll have a great weekend. We can go to Disneyland, we can play miniature golf, go bowling, bike riding, whatever you want.

Charlie

Alan, relax. You're starting to sound like a tampon commercial.

Alan

Jake, for the last time, nobody got creamed. No one won, no one lost.

Jake

Yeah, except for us, 12 to 2.

Charlie

Hey, pal, it doesn't matter if you win or lose. It's whether or not you beat the spread.

Charlie

Hey, we're here for fun, right? Nobody wins or loses.

Alan

Oh, come on! Somebody always loses! [stands up] Who are we kidding? It's 8 to 1 out there and everybody here knows it. And-- and you know, I'll tell you another thing! We haven't won a game all season, and I'm putting that in the newsletter! And as God as my witness, there will be a newsletter!

Jake

Dad, you're kind of freaking everybody out here.

Charlie

Forget it, Jake. It's Sherman Oaks.

Alan

Hey, where have you been?

Charlie

I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker. They spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.

Alan

You do have that, you know. Well, anyway, look, can we talk about this picture Jake drew?

Charlie

What's to talk about? He's a boy. He saw a woman's ass. He liked it. Thank your lucky stars it wasn't the cable guy's ass and move on!

Jake

Hey, Dad, where's "Can-cun"?

Alan

Cancún?

Jake

No, it's spelled "Can-cun".

Alan

It's in Mexico. Why?

Jake

We should go there for Christmas instead of Aunt Betty's.

Alan

What are you reading?

Jake

Sports Illustrated, but it's mostly ladies in bathing suits.

Charlie

So what's the deal with your teacher?

Jake

Miss Tuttle? She's very strict.

Charlie

That could work.

Jake

Hey, what you doing?

Charlie

Trying to find some plausible connection between my jingles and the Industrial Revolution. What's up?

Jake

I just talked to my dad. He said that he and Mom aren't getting back together again.

Charlie

Yea. [puts the book down] How you doing with that?

Jake

I'm not sure. I like that I get to stay here on weekends.

Charlie

That's cool. I like that, too. But you gotta be sad about your folks though, right?

Jake

No, I'm okay.

Charlie

Jake, it's okay to feel sad, I've been told. And this is a sad thing.

Jake

My dad's not sad.

Charlie

Of course he is. He's just trying to protect you.

Jake

From what?

Charlie

From being sad. [Jake frowns] Yea, I know, it's a vicious circle. But the liquor industry is built on it.

Jake

What?

Charlie

It's not important. All you need to know is that we all feel sad sometimes and it's okay. Understand?

Jake

Yea.