Two and a Half Men · Season 11
[As a girl walks up the stairs, Jenny Harper, Charlie's long-lost daughter, stops Walden in his tracks]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?
Up to show her.
Oh, you thought...? Oh, no-no-no-no-no, she's mine. Next time, I'll get two.
[Jenny walks upstairs]
What just happened?
Charlie's back.
Hey, you're welcome to crash here anytime you need a break from Evelyn and 91-and-a-half shades of grey.
Seriously?
Yeah. You know, I was thinking about putting in a home gym, but big deal. I'd rather have a Jenny than a gym.
You and me both.
[to Jenny] Mackenzie, you lying bitch!
[running away] Uh-oh.
Congo, my ass! Don't run! You don't want to run!
[Jenny leaps over the railing, and Alyssa follows her]
Yeah, it feels like home again!
Why in the world do you wear boys' husky underwear?
Okay, you know how some people trim the hedges to make the tree look bigger? Well, I say stuff the tree in a smaller yard.
Well, when the police raid the house and find a drawer full of boys' underwear, that's not gonna be good for any of us.
Neither is a drawer full of pot.
That's why I wrote "Not Pot" on it.
Don’t worry, nothing could have happened, I’m gay.
[relieved] Ah, that's right. You're gay. Wait, how gay? Like, 1 being "Yay, it’s college!" Or 10 being "I’m going Subaru shopping with Ellen and Rosie."
I'm closer to a nine. I mean, I make my own soap, but I don’t sell it at the Lilith Fair.
I have a motto for situations like this. What happens in Jenny, stays in Jenny.
Are we gonna talk about the orgy we had last night?
What...?
You were there?
Hell yeah. I banged James Franco.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
A little house on the beach in Hawaii with Kate Upton.
Kate Upton’s straight.
Give me two weeks.
Well I can see where Walden gets his pretty face.
Well aren't you sweet? He's single, you know.
I know, are you? [Walden hastily gets his mother out of the house and turns to Jenny]
Really?!
Hey, just 'cause you came out of it, doesn't mean I don't want to get into it!
It's not that complicated. The first time you masturbate thinking about the school nurse, you pretty much know.
Oh, my God, I'm a lesbian.
'Twas the night before Christmas when all down the beach
Not a creature was stirring, not even a leech.
Alan was nestled, all snug in his bed
While visions of lesbians danced in his head.
Brooke and Jenny were sleeping, a long winter's nap
Surrounded by bottles with nary a cap.
Jenny was nervous and frightened, but took a big chance.
She let Brooke in her heart, as well as her pants.
While Berta in her vest and I in my hattie
Had just baked our brains out with a big Christmas fatty.
We started to doze, we hadn't a care.
Happy Christmas to all. My balls have no hair.
I've got great news. Ice cream sandwiches are in the oven. They'll be ready at 5.
Better hope I don't run into Mila Kunis.
Yeah, like that's gonna happen.
[to the urn holding Charlie's ashes] Hey, Charlie. It's me, Walden. We...never met, but I'm the guy who took your place. Thanks for giving up your house. I guess you didn't really give it up, you died. You'd have to be on crack to give up all this.
Can you believe it? We're still together, three years later.
I know. I thought for sure it was over when Charlie died.
Thank God I showed up.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
