Two and a Half Men quotes

728 total quotes



Alan: [Reading a self-help book] Okay, name three things you would change about me.
Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.
...
Charlie: The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears and your address.
Alan: That stopped being funny a week ago.
Charlie: Judges?
Berta: Still funny.

Alan: You can't do this Judith, you cannot keep us apart, Herb and I will find a way to be together.
Mailman: Hi.
Alan: Hi, that must have sounded kinda strange.
Mailman: Not at all, Herb is a very handsome man.

Charlie: I need something cooling and soothing. You could roast a marshmallow on my anus.
Jake: You know what would be good for dessert? S'mores.
Season 8

Charlie: So what's the plan?
Jake: I'm gonna finish writing her this song and then I'm gonna sing it to her.
Charlie: Ok uh, is that the entire plan?
Jake: No, I'm also gonna put on a clean shirt.
Charlie: Oh, pulling out the big guns.

Charlie: You know, you make it really difficult to love you sometimes.
Jake: Yeah, that's what my mom says.

Jake: I miss Celeste.
Charlie: I miss Chelsea.
Alan: I miss Herb... I mean Sex and the City, I miss Sex And The City.
Charlie: Yeah Alan, that's much less gay.

[While Mia is singing incredibly badly in a recording studio, the music operator gives Charlie an incredulous look]
Charlie: I know, its hard to believe I'm not banging her.
Operator: Then why are we here?
Charlie: She's an old friend and I'm helping her out.
Operator: You really wanna help her? Sneak up behind her with a big rock.