Two and a Half Men · Season 7
[While Mia is singing incredibly badly in a recording studio, the music operator gives Charlie an incredulous look]
I know, its hard to believe I'm not banging her.
Then why are we here?
She's an old friend and I'm helping her out.
You really wanna help her? Sneak up behind her with a big rock.
[Reading a self-help book] Okay, name three things you would change about me.
Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.
...
The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears and your address.
That stopped being funny a week ago.
Judges?
Still funny.
[Charlie and Alan are playing a Word game in which they insult each other with letters of the alphabet]
You are a lush!
You are a leech!
You are a misogynist!
You are a mistake!
You are a... What are we up to?
N.
Thank you. You are a necrophiliac!
She was drunk, not dead, I challenge!
Okay, fine. You are a narcissist.
Better. You are a nancy-boy.
You are old!
You are oddly-shaped.
[Phone rings] Hang on.
You are a parasite.
Not your turn. [Answers phone] Hello. Oh, hey, Judith. What's up? What do you mean what happened with Jake? We had a nice weekend. Well, we went driving, to the movies, um, ice cream.
Quack, rectal, suckwad!
[To Charlie] I never got my "P".
All you do is pee.
[To Judith] What? What? Nothing. Just a little word game. You know, exercise the brain. [To Charlie] Twit!
Turd burglar!
[To Judith] Judith, I don't know what Jake's problem is. We had a terrific weekend. Huh. [To Charlie] Jake says he doesn't wanna come here anymore.
Really? Why?
I don't know. [To Judith] Did he say why? Charlie and I don't bicker. I mean, no more than any other couple of guys. [To Charlie] Right?
Right! Oh, oh, oh! You are a eunuch!
That's E, not U. Learn to spell. Useless! [to Judith] Look, I don't know what to tell you. He's a teenager. He'll get over it. Okay. Okay. Bye-bye. [hangs up] Well, I hope you're happy.
I haven't been happy in seven years.
For your information, I will not have been here seven years until next fall.
Oh, good to know. Circle the date on the calendar so I'll know when to hang myself.
Ha, ha. Funny. It's because of you, Jake doesn't wanna come here anymore. Great.
Tell me what I did so I can do it to you!
God, you are such a... What are we up to?
V.
Varmint! You are a varmint.
Yeah, well, you are a vagina!
You're calling me a vagina?
No, no, no. No, that's too good for you. What you are is vagina-adjacent.
You know, for some women, this could be considered a hostile work environment.
So what's the plan?
I'm gonna finish writing her this song and then I'm gonna sing it to her.
Ok uh, is that the entire plan?
No, I'm also gonna put on a clean shirt.
Oh, pulling out the big guns.
You can't do this Judith, you cannot keep us apart, Herb and I will find a way to be together.
Hi.
Hi, that must have sounded kinda strange.
Not at all, Herb is a very handsome man.
You know, you make it really difficult to love you sometimes.
Yeah, that's what my mom says.
I miss Celeste.
I miss Chelsea.
I miss Herb... I mean Sex and the City, I miss Sex And The City.
Yeah Alan, that's much less gay.
I need something cooling and soothing. You could roast a marshmallow on my anus.
You know what would be good for dessert? S'mores.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
