Two and a Half Men · Season 3
[Alan is lying on the couch after falling off the ladder]
Do me a favor and call Judith and tell her not to bring Jake over.
How come?
Look at me, Charlie! I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck, two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills. Does that spell "weekend dad" to you?
Well, actually, to me it spells "weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts". But that's a whole other story.
[Charlie and Jake are at a restaurant where they are the only white customers]
This isn't the Clucky's my mom takes me to.
No kidding.
Where are we, anyway?
It's called Watts.
Why do you say "freakin'"? I know what you mean. I'm not a little kid anymore.
[after Evelyn introduced the still-injured Alan to Mona]
What happened to you?
I was fixing a satellite dish and I fell off the roof.
Well, why didn't you just call the guy?
You wanna know why I didn't call the guy? I'll tell you why I didn't call the guy. BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED TO CALL THE GUY! It's a simple adjustment that any idiot can do, and yes, I know this idiot fell off the roof, but it was after I fixed it all by myself, NO GUY!
So, uh, Betsy, maybe we can get the boys together for a little play date sometime.
I don't want a play date with some stupid kid just so you can have sex with her!
Charlie [to Jake]: I get that you're growing up, that your body's changing, that your emotions are in flux, but the important thing you need to keep in mind is that... I don't care. When you're in my house, when you're out with me, and especially when we're around women, you will be adorable.
[Alan shows Charlie the drawing that got Jake kicked out of school]
The girl went home in tears, her mother is on the warpath, and Jake could get expelled.
For a silly drawing?
It's considered sexual harassment. The school has a zero-tolerance policy.
Oh, for the good old days, when you could wander into a girls' locker room pretending you were blind.
You actually did that? That's horrible!
No, the horrible part was stealing the dog from the blind kid.
Well, unfortunately, times have changed, and we no longer live in a Porky's movie.
I just have to accept the fact that I-- I can't count on anyone, least of all an emotionally immature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel and sets in his scrotum, and only cares about what lies between the two.
OK, I'm no expert, but that sounds a lot like grinding.
[at Alan's chiropractic office]
So this is where you come every day, huh?
Yep, for eleven years. What do you think?
I would have killed myself ten and a half years ago.
OK, now all you have to do is sit here, and when the phone rings, pick it up and say, "Dr. Harper's office."
So right off the bat, I lie?
I am a doctor, Charlie.
Yeah, and I'm king of the traffic doughnuts.
[Alan realizes the buxom woman sitting next to him outside the principal's office is the mother of the subject of Jake's drawing]
Oh, (laughs), you must be Boobra's mom.
(instantly realizes his Freudian slip, tries to recover with:)
Barbara's mams.
(shuts his eyes in embarrassment, then greets her with a sheepish:)
Hi!
You know, in some countries, you're innocent until proven guilty.
You confessed!
Oh, yeah.
And that country you're thinking of is this one, genius!
[large chested, scary housekeeper, sternly talks to Jake] So, you like making fun of girls with big boobs.
[looking pale into her large breasts] Not any more.
OK, OK, I had hoped that we could have a spirited exchange of ideas here, but if we are going to just degenerate into name calling, perhaps we should wait for the principal to decide what a reasonable punishment for my son would be.
[Barbara Schmidt's busty mother] Fine. We'll let the principal decide.
[The principal, another large-breasted woman, enters the hall from her office]
I'm Principal Gallagher.
[defeated] Oh, God, my boy's going to get the chair.
You know, for the record, a lovely dinner doesn't necessarily preclude carpet burns and a bite mark on your ass.
In this case, it was just dinner and a pleasant conversation.
Well, that's why God gave us Cinemax and an opposable thumb.
Alan, sweetheart, you know I only want the best for you, right?
Uh...
I do! [to Berta and Rose]: I do! [to Alan]: Which is why, when Judith threw you out, I was right there supporting you.
You had other options?
Don't be naïve! I could have sucked up to Judith in order to have more access to my grandson. But, no, I burned that bridge. I said horrible things to her that I can never take back.
And keep in mind, this is a woman who worked the phrase "mousy bitch" into her wedding toast.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
