Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

Look at you all grown up and back living with Mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now, on a scale from 1 to...2?

Charlie

OK, but you have to be my liver and prostate.

Charlie

It's not that I don't care what you want. It's just that... you're a kid. What you want doesn't matter. [Jake folds his arms in disgust] Wow. I do suck.

Charlie

If I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disappeared for five years, and came back as a guy, I'd have a nickel!

Charlie

Well, I want it on the record that if the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleachers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me.

Charlie

OK, I gotta tell you, my weirdness bar for chicks is pretty high... but you are clearing it in street shoes.

Charlie

Man, I guess you can afford a lot of cool stuff when you don't have to sell your blood and sperm to make alimony payments.

Charlie

OK, then. I didn't need a reason to drink tonight, but it's nice to know I've got one.

Charlie

Berta, Berta, you can't quit being related to somebody. Believe me, I've tried.

Charlie

If I don't do something about that website, I'm gonna have to move to Pennsylvania and chase Amish broads.

Charlie

Well, I guess we know why she's still single.

Charlie

Jake, it takes more than sex to make a man happy... You also need money.

Charlie

I love the smell of brimstone in the morning.

Charlie

[on the phone with Alan who is trying to ditch his drunk blind date]: Viagra and a bad ticker. Mom loses more boyfriends that way.

Charlie

Alan, Alan, calm down, calm down! Listen to me. Here's what you do. Take her to a crowded club, pin a warning note on her back as a courtesy to the next guy, and run like hell!

Charlie

Say what you want about me, but at least I've never chosen to have women in my life who do nothing but mistreat me.

Charlie

That is different. Way different.