Kandi quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

Uh, well, Kandi... it's like this: Charlie's with another woman.

Kandi

Don't lie to me, Alan.

Alan

OK, uh... he's in... Africa working as a scrub nurse for Doctors Without Borders.

Kandi

Story of my life!

Kandi

You must be Jake.

Jake

Uh-huh.

Alan

See, the thing for me was that I-- I never should have gotten married. I-- I was young, I didn't know who I was, and to be completely honest, I was just afraid of being alone.

Kandi

Wow. Can I share something with you?

Alan

Uh, yes, please, this is... uh, communicating. This is how we connect.

Kandi

You shouldn't tell people that stuff. It makes you sound like a loser.

Alan

No, it makes me sound like a real human being, a-- a person with feelings and flaws.

Kandi

[makes the "loser" hand gesture]

Alan

Uh, well... uh, uh, you see Jake, um... In the Old West, uh, uh... cowboys, uh, could be out on the-- the dusty range... uh, uh, for months... at a time, and, uh, they get mighty dirty. Um, so they'd, uh, they'd, uh, mosey into town, uh, with nothing but the-- the clothes on their backs, uh, and th-- they'd need to, to, to wash them. So what-- what they'd do is, uh, they-- they would go down to the-- the, the... "crick", uh, and, uh, strip down until they were wearing, uh, nothing but their boots.

Charlie

Why'd they keep their boots on?

Alan

Rattlesnakes. [to Jake]: Uh, anyway, um, in order to... to, to warn, uh, people who were swimming that, you know, a-- a naked... cowboy was, uh, on his way, he would yell, or, uh, or, if you will, uh, call, uh, "Booty! Booty!" Ergo, the "booty call".

Kandi

Wow. Alan, you really make history fun.

Alan

Well, thank you.

Kandi

So when did it start meaning casual sex?

Kandi

Ouch.

Alan

What?

Kandi

One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.

Alan

When was the last time you saw a dentist?

Kandi

Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do.

Kandi

Alan, should I try it [starting her car] again?

Alan

Uh, no, I'm gonna call Triple-A.

Kandi

Good, no sense drinking over this.

Charlie

You must be so proud.

Alan

Hey, hey, she may not be sophisticated, but she's... street-smart.

Charlie

Sesame Street-smart.

Alan

I'm all tapped out. All-- all I have left to put on eBay is a, a-- a kidney or a lung.

Kandi

If I were you, I'd sell the kidney 'cause lungs don't grow back.

Berta

Just out of curiosity, when you leave here, where is it you go?

Kandi

To the gym. I have to take care of my body 'cause it's my instrument.

Berta

Mine too. Three beers and a bratwurst and my ass turns into a French horn.

Kandi

Really? Whenever I have beer and bratwurst, I just fart a lot.

Judith

I just don't think that outfit is appropriate for Jake.

Kandi

Oh, I agree. He would look ridiculous in this.

Kandi

You know, I'm a child of divorce too, Jake.

Alan

Really? How old were you when your parents split up?

Kandi

Twenty-two.

Alan

But you're twenty-two now.

Kandi

Twenty-two and a half! Boy, what I'd give to be twenty-two again.

Kandi

I don't even know who you are anymore!

Alan

Oh, do you wanna know who I am? I'm the idiot who's paying you ten dollars an hour to miss phone calls, nap in the bathroom, and use my X-ray machine on Mexican food!

Kandi

Well, I wanted to know what's inside a chimichanga!

Alan

If you didn't know what was in it, why'd you order it?!

Kandi

'Cause it's fun to say "chimichanga"!

Kandi

Shhh! We don't want to wake up Mr. Alan Hitler!

Judith

No, no, Osama bin Alan.

Evelyn

Do you believe your future mother-in-law? Shows up at a four-star restaurant wearing a track suit with the word "juicy" stretched across her half-acre ass.

Charlie

I can read, Mom.

Jake

Can we go back? I forgot my doggie bag.

Charlie

We can never go back, Jake.

Alan

Oh, come on, it's not the end of the world.

Evelyn

Easy for you to say. You're not marrying into The Addams Family.

Charlie

Oh, like you were a prize. Slipping a prenuptial agreement into my fiancée's menu?

Evelyn

I am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery.

Charlie

Um, Mom...?

Evelyn

Every one of my surgeries was necessary! And if I had signed a prenup, you would never have gone to music camp, and Alan would have an overbite you could use to open a can of Pennzoil!

Kandi

I didn't know Mia's last name was Addams.

Kandi

Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with sex?

Positive.

Kandi

Huh, sure sounds like it. "Subpoenas."

Alan

So you understand the situation?

Kandi

I think so. Now that we're not married anymore, you want to sell my condo.

Alan

No, no, it's-- it's our condo. I got it for us. Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real estate advisor was my penis.

Kandi

Is that what they mean when they say the market's gone soft?