Herb quotes from Two and a Half Men

Herb

[Repeated line] You're sugar-coating Hell, Alan.

Herb

Just keep him away from the staple gun. Also nail guns, glue guns.... pretty much anything with "Gun" in it.

Alan

Hey, hey, here's a funny thing! Uh, my name's Al, and I, uh, I give Judith money, [chuckles] so it's, uh, so it's, uh, "Al-i-mony".

Herb

Wouldn't it be "Al-i-money"?

Alan

I was afraid you'd pick up on that.

Charlie

Until he [Jake] was ten, I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money!

Alan

Hey, hey, uh, uh, speaking of swizzle sticks, ha-- have you considered eloping to Vegas?

Herb

Hmmm. No, we haven't--

Alan

No, I know what you're thinking, "tacky-tacky," but... uh, it's classy and very romantic.

Charlie

Yeah, some of the hotel rooms have those big mirrored walls. It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.

Alan

Jake can have a little brother-- that would be a blessing for him, would it?

Herb

Oh, I don't know if I want more kids.

Alan

Then wear a condom. Besides, Jake's used to being an only child.

Charlie

If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.

Judith

Oh, eggnog.

Herb

Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us. [turns to Alan] We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.

Judith

That's why I need eggnog.

Herb

Hey, I spent Thanksgiving with your parents.

Alan

Oh really, your mom's out of rehab?

Judith

Yes, my mom's out of rehab.

Herb

Actually she kind of jumped the fence.

Alan

Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law, you might as well get used to it. [turns to Judith] Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower?

Alan

On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol.

Herb

I'm a doctor!

Kandi

A real one, or like Alan?

Herb

I'm a pediatrician.

Kandi

Wow, so you're into feet.

Herb

No, children.

Kandi

Isn't that illegal?

Alan

Jake can hear you two in bed.

Judith

Oh, God... oh god...

Herb

He didn't hear THAT.

Judith

You wanna get the door, Herb?

Herb

Stop yelling at me!

Judith

I'm not yelling! THIS IS YELLING!

Alan

You know what? This really isn't that funny. [throws the oversized alimony check aside]

Alan

Herb, is this a bad time?

Herb

The Spanish Inquisition was a "bad time". This is hell.

Judith

WHY IS NO ONE LISTENING TO ME??!!

Herb

(from outside) I'M DOING IT!!! LOOK!!!

Herb

Myra, the castration jokes are getting a little old.

Charlie

Not in my house.

Charlie

How do you feel about bushes, Herb?

Herb

Well... I like a full bush. The way God intended.

Charlie

I like 'em trimmed.

Alan

But, uh, but FYI, Charlie's a thief, a liar, and I suspect something of a firebug.

Herb

Really. Hmmm, he always struck me as a straight-shooter. Little loosey-goosey with the liquor and the ladies, but, uh, all in all, a good fella.

Judith

In what universe is Charlie Harper a "good fella"?

Herb

Well, I certainly don't know him as well as you do, so I'll just shut my pie hole.

Herb

Well, uh, remember that advice you gave me about how to handle Judith?

Charlie

Oh, gee, Herb, that wasn't so much advice as, you know, social satire.

Herb

Well, it worked out great.

Charlie

Really? She bought that "king of the castle" crap?

Herb

No, she kicked my ass out. But the thing is, talking to you and seeing how you live, I'm convinced I'm better off single.

Charlie

Is that so?

Herb

Oh, yeah, I mean, uh, why chew on one chicken wing when you can eat from the whole bucket?

Herb

Hey, Charlie, I've got a question for you.

Charlie

Yeah.

Herb

The hotel I'm staying at has pay-per-view adult movies.

Charlie

Uh-huh.

Herb

Whatever happened to pubic hair?

Charlie

Gone the way of the dodo bird, my friend.

Herb

I mean, I can understand it with the ladies, but what's the deal with the fellas? It's like with an ugly house: a little shrubbery helps the curb appeal.

Charlie

I don't have an answer for you, Herb.

Herb

What about you? Do you trim the old hedges?

Charlie

Yep. They're shaped like Disney characters.