I'm just having some friends over to... smoke cigars, sample some fine single-malt Scotch, and, you know, talk.
I enjoy all those things. But Scotch makes me a little gassy, but I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.
S2 E1Back Off Mary Poppins
Wait a minute, you don't consider me a friend?
It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose, a brother is someone you get...
Excuse me?
There's no choice involved! Your dad just wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, "Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room anymore."
But you wanted me to live here with you. You offered me.
Well, actually I wanted Jake to come live with me but I figured, you two are a package deal.
"Hurry up and get out." Sounds like sex with my ex-wife.
So... in addition to my house, half my money, and my self-esteem, Judith got custody of all my friends.
SPSean Penn
Charlie, when are you gonna stop resenting your brother just for being born?
I don't resent him for being born, but he abused the privilege!
Wow. Wow, uh, Elvis, that was, uh... that was beautiful. But you know, uh, in all honesty, um, I really, really loved your uh, earlier, you know, angrier stuff. You know, uh, "Pump It Up"! Now, now that was a song. [chuckling]
SPSean Penn
I knew that.
Oh, and, uh, and while we're on the subject, Sean, um, why don't you do funny stuff like you used to? I mean, Fast Times ruled, man! [chuckling] C'mon, uh, do-- do a little Spicoli for us!
[cut to Alan duct-taped to a lamp post on Wilshire Boulevard]
Guys? This isn't funny. Uh-oh, clammy hands, nausea... Guys? Guys? GUYS?!
S2 E2Enjoy Those Garlic Balls
Hmmm, tequila? Checkbook? Sourpuss? Must be alimony time.
Go away, Charlie.
Boy, you'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance.
Leave me alone, Charlie!
In fact, you know what would be really funny? Where it says "memo," write "lap dance." Give her something to explain at tax time.
Our pediatrician. My ex-wife is sleeping with our... pediatrician. [breaks the head off the giraffe]
I wonder if she gets a lollipop after every visit.
Hey, hey, here's a funny thing! Uh, my name's Al, and I, uh, I give Judith money, [chuckles] so it's, uh, so it's, uh, "Al-i-mony".
Wouldn't it be "Al-i-money"?
I was afraid you'd pick up on that.
I'm not saying I hate you, but if I did, it might have something to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic bloodsucker who drove my father into an early grave, after which you married a succession of men who couldn't care less about Alan and me, which was just fine with you 'cause you... looked at us like a couple of dancing monkeys you could just haul out whenever it suited you! And when it didn't, you sent us off to boarding school or camp or that kibbutz in Israel, where we got beat up 'cause we weren't even Jewish! And now... now you show up here every chance you get to lay a guilt trip on me for not appreciating my cold, lonely, loveless childhood!
Well... obviously you're not ready to talk about it.
S2 E3A Bag Full of Jawea
Well, I want it on the record that if the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleachers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me.
Jake, I'm only your teacher from 8:15 to 3:00. After that, I'm just a person like anyone else.
Oh, this is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall.
Do you think he'll [Jake] be OK?
Sure, he's just not used to seeing his teacher out of the classroom... and her pants.
[Reading Jake's test answers] Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration of Independence in....pen. For this you got an A?
Yeah, everybody did. I love you Uncle Charlie [Runs to his room]
I think you know what you have to do.
Um... break up with Miss Pasternak, right?
Hell, no, he's [Jake] getting A's. He hasn't gotten an A since nap time in kindergarten.
But he's not learning anything!
Charlie, get your priorities straight; I'm trying to get him into a decent middle school! After he's accepted, he can learn that Sacajawea wasn't... [reading Jake's test answer]: "a bag full of Jawea".
OK, I gotta tell you, my weirdness bar for chicks is pretty high... but you are clearing it in street shoes.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.