Miss Pasternak quotes from Two and a Half Men

Jake, I'm only your teacher from 8:15 to 3:00. After that, I'm just a person like anyone else.

Jake

Oh, this is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall.

Do you think he'll [Jake] be OK?

Charlie

Sure, he's just not used to seeing his teacher out of the classroom... and her pants.

Jake, I have wonderful news: From now on, as part of each lesson, we're gonna spend time casting demons out of you. [to Alan]: It's the Devil that's making him stupid.

Jake

I told you it wasn't my fault.

Alan

Uh, uh, Miss Pasternak, wh-- while I'm thrilled that you're helping Jake with his schoolwork, I'm not sure an exorcism is really called for.

Do you want your son to go to Hell, Alan?

Alan

Depends. Do they have a college prep program?

Eternal damnation is no laughing matter.

Alan

I know. I've been married twice. [laughs]

Jake

You think you have to wear a jockstrap in Hell?

Charlie

Yes, but not your own.

Sunday is not a me day, sunday is a He day! [points upward] And He will strike down the blasphemers and the disbelievers with fury and bloodsoaked vengeance! So, chop chop, washy washy! [leaves]

Charlie

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Boy can I pick'em!

You miserable son of a bitch. I gave you my heart, I gave you my soul, I gave you my body and you just threw me aside like I was some piece of garbage!

Charlie

Yeah, my bad. So what's new?

Oh, you wanna catch up, sure, let's catch up, okay, let's see, um, okay, after you dumped me, I had a nervous breakdown.

Charlie

Well, sure looks like you've bounced back.

And then after my breakdown, I got fired and blackballed from teaching.

Charlie

Oh, bummer. So what are you up to now?

I'll tell you what I'm up to now, I lost my house, I'm living in a cheap motel, and my new career is giving lap dances to strangers while I'm swinging by my crotch on a pole late times a night.

Jake

Have you considered an athletic supporter?

Charlie

Okay, well. Thanks for the update. Nice seeing you. Move, move move.

You ruined my life, Charlie Harper!

Charlie

Righto, bye.

Jake

We didn't pay for the jockstrap.

Alan

Just keep walking.

[to Charlie] How can you live with yourself, you horrible, evil man?!

Jake

He drinks.

Alan

I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother and his incredible love for life.

Lydia

He also loved being back for a week.

…while wearing my panties.

He used my panties to make tea.