By the time Bart is 18, we’re gonna control the world. [pause] We’re China, right?
S18G.I. (Annoyed Grunt)
Won't joining the army take me away from my family for two years?
RRecruiter
A large target like you will be home a lot sooner than that.
MMoe
The Salvation Army? You got it! [arms a two-barreled shotgun]
S18Moe'N'a Lisa
[Reads the firsthand line of Moe's letter to Homer] "Dear Pusbag".
Whoa, Marge. Who'd you piss off?
MMoe
[yells] It's for you, pusbag!
JJameson
[Reads Moe's poem, then hands it to an assistant] Genius! Run it on the front page and pay him nothing. [Picks up the phone] Stop the presses and send my wife some flowers and bring me an Advil! What do you mean you don't work for me? You're hired! Now that you're hired, you're fired! Now that you don't work here, we can be friends. Now that we're friends, how come you never call? Some friend you are! [Hangs up] God, I love this business!
MCMichael Chabon
Wow, you couldn't make this stuff up.
JFJonathan Franzen
Well, you couldn't.
MCMichael Chabon
That's it, Franzen! I think your nose needs some corrections! [the pair brawl: Franzen lands a cheap shot that knocks Chabon down] Oh, you fight like Anne Rice!
JJameson
Aww, that’s sweet. I hate sweet! I need photos, photos of Spider-Man!
EEmployee
This is a poetry journal.
JJameson
Okay, then poems about Spider-Man, and I want them finished before you start, and before you finish, get me some coffee. And the poems should have the following rhyme scheme, ABBAABBACDECDE. What are you waiting for, Chinese New Year?!
S18Ice Cream of Margie (With the Light Blue Hair)
[after Homer crashed all of the popsicle artwork characters]
MMoe
[to a decapitated popsicle stick head] No-no-no, save your energy. Don't try to talk.
[200 years later, Marge's giant Homer sculpture is on show in a museum]
SSpacewoman
This is the last known piece of art before the collapse of Western civilization.
SSpaceman
If only we'd known that iPods would unite to enslave the people they entertained.
[Outside the dome, giant iPods are whipping a group of humans.]
SSlave
What do you want from us?!
IiPod
Nothing, we just like whipping!
Well, excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don't work on!
My fat friend you are hanging by a very thin thread. Now listen Simpson if you want to keep your job, then you better start...
S18The Haw-Hawed Couple
[thinking] No book is ever going to make my daughter sad. Time to do what I do best! Lie to a child!
Trust me Bart, it's better to walk in on both your parents instead of just one of them.
[Homer has been sobbing about Greystash's death in the Angelica Button book series]
Homer, it's just a book.
No man should outlive his fictional wizard! NO MAN!
S18Kill Gil, Volumes I & II
It's true. I do have trouble saying no. It all started when I was 7.
[Cuts to flashback]
Marjorie. We need you to hide our cigarettes in your dollhouse.
No! [Patty and Selma shove her into her dollhouse] Mom? Grandma? Aunt Laurina? Anybody? [Trips on a toy car]
[Cuts out of flashback]
And that's why I have trouble saying no to people. Even Gil.
Marge, I have no idea what you were just thinking about. Why would you think I did?
[holding the blade of the grumple's skate to his neck] Give back that Holiday cheer, you bastard!
GGrumple
Never!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.