Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long...
S18Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em...
Homie, don't you want to build something with your new fix-it books?
I did--I made a footrest!
Oh! Don't you have any follow-through on anything?
What's the point? We're all slowly dying...
Oh!
S18Treehouse of Horror XVII
[Homer eats two German guys at an Oktoberfest]
GGGerman Guy
What did we Germans do to deserve this? [Other German frowns at him] Oh, yeah.
Must eat more fat people... thank God I'm in America...
PMDr. Phil McGraw
[trapped in Homer's blob-sized body] Food does not equal love! [dissolves into pieces]
I don't get it. What's so "great" about this depression?
I like how everything's in sepia tone. Makes me all nostalgic.
AAbe
I didn't think it would come to this when I fought in the First World War.
"First World War"? Why do you keep calling it that?
AAbe
Oh, you'll see!
S18G.I. (Annoyed Grunt)
RRecruiter
How many of you like video games? [the kids cheer] Well, what if there was a violent video game that you could play for free, plus it's real and not a game at all?
By the time Bart is 18, we’re gonna control the world. [pause] We’re China, right?
Won't joining the army take me away from my family for two years?
RRecruiter
A large target like you will be home a lot sooner than that.
MMoe
The Salvation Army? You got it! [arms a two-barreled shotgun]
S18Moe'N'a Lisa
[Reads the firsthand line of Moe's letter to Homer] "Dear Pusbag".
Whoa, Marge. Who'd you piss off?
MMoe
[yells] It's for you, pusbag!
JJameson
[Reads Moe's poem, then hands it to an assistant] Genius! Run it on the front page and pay him nothing. [Picks up the phone] Stop the presses and send my wife some flowers and bring me an Advil! What do you mean you don't work for me? You're hired! Now that you're hired, you're fired! Now that you don't work here, we can be friends. Now that we're friends, how come you never call? Some friend you are! [Hangs up] God, I love this business!
MCMichael Chabon
Wow, you couldn't make this stuff up.
JFJonathan Franzen
Well, you couldn't.
MCMichael Chabon
That's it, Franzen! I think your nose needs some corrections! [the pair brawl: Franzen lands a cheap shot that knocks Chabon down] Oh, you fight like Anne Rice!
JJameson
Aww, that’s sweet. I hate sweet! I need photos, photos of Spider-Man!
EEmployee
This is a poetry journal.
JJameson
Okay, then poems about Spider-Man, and I want them finished before you start, and before you finish, get me some coffee. And the poems should have the following rhyme scheme, ABBAABBACDECDE. What are you waiting for, Chinese New Year?!
S18Ice Cream of Margie (With the Light Blue Hair)
[after Homer crashed all of the popsicle artwork characters]
MMoe
[to a decapitated popsicle stick head] No-no-no, save your energy. Don't try to talk.
[200 years later, Marge's giant Homer sculpture is on show in a museum]
SSpacewoman
This is the last known piece of art before the collapse of Western civilization.
SSpaceman
If only we'd known that iPods would unite to enslave the people they entertained.
[Outside the dome, giant iPods are whipping a group of humans.]
SSlave
What do you want from us?!
IiPod
Nothing, we just like whipping!
Well, excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don't work on!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.