South Park · Season 26, Episode 5
“DikinBaus Hot Dogs” · Season 26, Episode 5
In this episode: Eric Cartman (4), Butters Stotch (4), Liane (2), Stan Marsh (1), Stephen Stotch (1), Linda Stotch (1), Field Reporter (1)
Butters, what the hell are you wearing?
I got a job over at the ice cream shop! Well, guess what? I got my very first paycheck.
That's not fair. I want a paycheck.
My dad told me if I got a job, we could put my paycheck in my very own bank account.
I want a bank account.
I didn't know kids could get jobs.
This is going to be the best restaurant in Colorado, Kenny. And I know exactly what we should name it.
Tom, I'm standing out front of a Colorado icon, the old Coney Island Hot Dog, where the owners plan to reopen soon. The hot dog stand is going through major renovations and the new name has just been announced, DikinBaus Hot Dogs is sure to be a big hit here in town.
[McCormick residence; Cartman and Kenny are watching the news and burst out laughing at the new restaurant name]
[laughing] He said it! We got him to say dick and balls!
[holding a plate with a hot dog] The owners say they're planning on all kinds of rides and games. And also, with each hot dog served here at DikinBaus Hot Dogs, they actually use the ketchup to put a nice little smiley face on the plate. It's just their sort of trademark touch. The renovations are supposed to be finished soon and the new owners are inviting everyone to come on down, enjoy, and let DikinBaus put a smile on your buns.
Are you guys just playing around?
No, we are renovating and opening an amazing restaurant that will be extremely profitable.
Then why did you name it DikinBaus?
Butters, you are the investor. We are the creatives.
Well, stop being creative and open the goddamn restaurant so I can get my money back.
[mocking Butters] "So stop dicking around and wasting my money." Butters, at DikinBaus, dicking around is all we do, dicking around the competition.
[Stotch residence; Butters returns home from work, exhausted, and finds his parents in the living room]
[annoyed with his arms crossed] Back from work, Butters?
Oh. Hey, Mom and Dad.
You must be so tired from selling all that ice cream.
Well, yeah, it was a pretty long night.
[to Linda] A long night, he says. [back to his son] That's great, Butters. Only problem is, if you're really working at a job, then why is there… [takes out Butters' paycheck] $0 in your bank account?!
[Linda starts weeping]
[shocked with horror] What?!
So now what are you really doing, young man?
$0?! But I've been working every day! (That's impossible!)
Oh, sure. I know exactly how it is. You say you have to work so you can get out of the house, get away from the family and you go down to that glory hole down on Fourth and Larimer.
[in tears] Oh, my God, Butters!
And while your family thinks you're at your job, you're actually strapped facedown on a bed at the Brighton Motel, taking any load you can find on Adult FriendFinder. It's the lies! It's the lies! I can't take it anymore! [runs to the front door] I'm going to the office and get some work done! [walks out the door and leaves]
[enraged] That son of a gun!
Well, congratulations, young man. DikinBaus Hot Dogs is a big success and here's your first return on your investment. [gives Butters his paycheck] I'm sure there's many more to come.
Oh, I made my money back, huh?
Now what I'm thinking, Butters, is that we should grow your business by applying for a corporate loan, which could pay you dividends as you expand the company into new areas.
Yeah, I wasn't thinking that. See, all I ever wanted was just to do my job, learn how to work, and help Mr. Sullivan sell ice cream. So, I'm thinking I'm actually going to conduct a market analysis to look for potential buyers and roll over the company as an exit strategy.
Well, you could do that but I think you'd have trouble getting investors who will commit major capital for just partial ownership.
Yeah. So that's why I want to approach overseas investors who will buy the IP, the restaurant operations, and the real estate outright.
But you couldn't do that because there's already tenants in the building who have to be relocated.
Yeah, I thought of that too. Come on in.
Hello.
Wait, so you two have already discussed some kind of deal?
Oh, yes. Butters and I have been talking, and we think that my little Eric deserves to get exactly what he's been wanting for a long time.
[As Liane and her son move back to their old house…]
There you go, Eric. It's your old room just like you always wanted.
[sobbing in protest] But I hate this stupid house! I don't want to be here! I want to be in DIKINBAUS!!! DikinBaus is awesome! This place sucks! PLEASE!! [Liane leaves as he tearfully hyperventilates] I want--I WANT--DIKIN...BAAAUUUUSS!!!! I want my DikinBaus! DIKINBAUS! DIKINBAAAUUUS!!!!!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
