Mr. Garrison quotes from South Park

Okay, kids, lets take our seats. There has been a change in school policy, and so I'm assigning you all a book to read.

Cartman

Aw, a book? God, I hate those.

Now kids, this book is very controversial, and has just been taken off the banned books list.

Cartman

Oh, really? Sweet.

It's called "Catcher in the Rye", and it has some very risque parts...

Stan

[excited] All right!

And strong vulgar language...

Kenny

[muffled] Awesome, dude!

And in fact many schools across the country still ban this book, because it's thought to be so inappropriate.

Cartman

[starts reading excitedly] Oh, man, I can't wait!

Tonight I want you to read chapters 1 through 5, and tomorrow we'll discuss the...

Cartman

No, no, come on let's read it now!

Kyle

Mr. Garrison, didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book?

[irritated] Yes, apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by "Catcher in the Rye", but he was just a kook

Cartman

Whoa! You're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate AND made a guy shoot the King of Hippies? Can we PLEASE read this, RIGHT NOW?

[angry] You will read it at home, and you will all be mature about it's adult themes and language!

Butters

Hey, Stan! Isn't that Tom Cruise?

Stan

Huh? Oh, wow, it is. Hey, guys, check it out! Tom Cruise is a fudge packer!

What did you call me?

Eric Cartman

Hey, that is Tom Cruise! [snaps a picture of him]

Butters

How come you're packing fudge, Mr. Cruise?

I'm glad you asked, I'm not a fudge packer!

Stan

Dude, you don't have to be ashamed or anything.

But, I'm not a fudge packer! [packs a block of fudge into a box]

Stan

Then why are you packing fudge?

I'm not! I'm glad you asked, I'm a very busy actor! I'm just here trying to get away for a week and do some fly fishing! [pushes more fudge into boxes]

Stan

Dude, you are in a fudge factory packing fudge.

Oh, that does it! I will [slams his fist on the belt] SUE you!

Stan

For what?!

You can't just call somebody a fudge packer and get away with it!

[walks up with the students; notices Tom] Hey, is that fudge packer Tom Cruise?

[takes off and throws his hat on the ground] THAT'S IT! I'm suing this entire intolerant town! [starts leaving the factory]

Stan

But dude--

No buts! You wanna accuse somebody of being a fudge packer, you're gonna pay the consequences!

Okay, people, I kno- I know. But, he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just... get Muhammad to appear in South Park.

Are you nuts?! If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed!

We don't know that! Maybe enough time has passed.

Kyle

[to Token] Dude, I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again.

But even if it were safe now for Muhammad to come, huh, how would we ever find him?

Yeah, showing an image of him is completely off-limits and censored. So nobody has ever seen what Muhammad looks like.

Stan

I saw him once.

You did?

Stan

Yeah. A while ago my friends joined David Blaine's cult. I had to go to the Super Best Friends to rescue them. Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends.

Oh, and what? And he was just out in the open where everyone could see him and nobody got bombed?!

Stan

No, dude, it was totally flying.

Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all.

Stan

Well this giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln.

Alright, Stan, that's enough. Jesus, can't learn to shut up, can you? [to the audience] Now look, I believe we CAN find Muhammad. I've done a lot of research and I've completed a sketch of what Muhammad could look like today.

[stands up] No, don't!

Is that okay to show? [sits down]

I don't know. I guess we'll see.

Hello everyone, my name is John Garner and I'm a nutrition advisor from the USDA. I want to clarify the USDA's position on a healthy diet. There's been a lot of confusion about gluten lately. People saying that gluten is the cause of cancer, gluten should be avoided, gluten can make your dick fly off, but let's set the record straight.

[To Gerald] Make your dick fly off?

People believe that omitting gluten will make you healthier, but of course, that's a bunch of hooey. Hooey is the preservative found in processed foods, that we now believe is the main culprit of obesity. You might say "Well there's fat in butter too," but that's just poppycock. Poppycock first came from India and is the key ingredient in red meat which we now realize is good for you along with hooey. The good hooey, not the bad hooey. So what is gluten?

Yes, thank you!

Simply put, gluten is the protein found in flour when you take all the starch away. [holds up a stalk of wheat]. Flour is of course, just wheat, and when you add a liquid to flour, you get dough. [grabs a wad of dough] Dough that makes breads, doughnuts, pasta, and all the hooey-free foods that humans enjoy. [puts the dough into a special washer. The extract going through a distillation process] Now, if we wash the dough of all its starch, we can actually distil the wheat down, minus the water, minus the starch, and what we're left with is pure gluten. Not a bio-weapon, just harmless flour protein.

Then eat it!

Excuse me?

If it's not dangerous, then eat that pure concentrated gluten, okay?

Yeah. Alright. [Sips the gluten up. After a few seconds he contorts and groans in pain, burns began to appear throughout his body. The audience began to panic, then his groin begins to set off electrical sparks. His penis wriggles out and soon launches itself like a rocket]

Oh, you see that? His dick's flyin' off.

They're just gonna let us starve to death?

They don't care about us. face it! We're already dead to them.

[makes up his mind] Well then, I guess I might as well eat! [walks towards the storage room]

There's nothing left, I told you!

There's plenty of pizza dough.

Are you crazy?!

I'm crazy hungry! [takes a wad of dough and begins eating it] Oh... Oh... Fuck, it's so good. [Randy and Mr. Garrison wait for the other shoe to drop] I want more! It's, it's been so long! [gets more dough and eats voraciously]

Oh my God, you... but... you're okay.

You don't think it's a little ridiculous that wheat protein is toxic? This whole thing was a setup, man!

A setup? But by who?

Oh my God, we... we have to get a hold of someone who and get the word out.

Maybe Papa John can help us. If we can get a hold of them, then maybe we can-- [his penis quickly flies off and dies]

Ng-oh. [snaps his fingers]

[speaking into the microphone] Alright, parents and students, please take your seats. [Randy gleefully throws a crumpled up piece of paper at him] M'kay, m'kay. Now as you (all) know, there was an incident at the school last week involving a student referring to rape as a "Hot Cosby," m'kay? [several people laugh] Listen, listen! Principal Victoria has been fired.

What? Fired?

Cartman

Sweet, dude!

And a new person has been appointed to try and make South Park Elementary a more... progressive place that... fits in with today's times. Heh m'kay? So please welcome... PC Principal.

All right, listen up. My name is PC Principal. I don't know about you, but frankly I'm sick and tired of how minority groups are marginalized in today's society. I'm here because this place is lost in a time warp! Students who still use the word "retarded"! A teacher who said women without wombs should get an AIDS test!

Oh, I was a lesbian then.

A chef "person of color" who the children had sing soul songs and who the children drove to kill himself!

Butters

No, he got brainwashed by a cult.

And that's two days' detention for you, young man, we'll see you at 4.

Butters

What?!

Let me ask you this. We're in Colorado, right? Where are the Hispanic kids? Huh? Where are the ethnic and racial minorities?

Well, we got Tolkien. He's black.

And that's two days' detention for you, Mackey, congratulations.

Wha— I got detention?

I Googled South Park before I came here, and I cannot believe the shit you're getting away with! People claiming to be advocates of transgender rights, but really just wanting to use the women's bathroom! A white man who thinks he's Chinese and built a wall to keep out Mongolians!

Ohhhh, I hate-a Mongorians!

What the fuck is this? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm telling you all, this is done! Like it or not, PC is back, and it's bigger than ever! Woowoowoo! You hear that? That's the sound of 2015 pulling you over, people! Suck it!

Okay children, let's take our seats. As you've probably noticed, our government has decided to let anyone who wants to cross the border and screw up our country! I know you're all as pissed off as I am, so why don't we begin today's lesson on why the once-great empire of Rome, fell to shit! Huh?! Who can tell my why Rome fell to shit?! [all the Canadian kids raise their hands] No, somebody who matters. [the Canadian students begin to clamor; puts his left hand over his nose and closes his eyes] Alright, fine, (you) in the orange shirt.

The Roman Empire, buddy, was facing ehh several issues, guy, and they reached a new millennium, friend, and rather-

[irritated] Oh, speak in English! [turns around and begins writing on the chalkboard] You see, what happened is that these immigrants called the Goths were welcomed into Roman territories because some people felt bad for them. [another Canadian boy checks his watch and hops off his seat, opens a small case and pulls out a trumpet] And then the Goths suddenly decided they were being oppressed, you see, and so then- [the boy begins to play "Feels So Good" by Chuck Mangione; turns around] What the hell are you doing? [the other Canadian kids get out of their seats and whip out their trumpets to play the song]

It's 8:00 A.M., guy.

[loses his temper, then throws his notes, and the chalk] That's it! Why don't you canucks go back where you came from?! [they stop and look aghast at him]

All right, everyone, listen up. In order for better understanding, we've asked students of Canadian origin to introduce you to their culture and—HEY, LESLIE, SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!!!! Now where was I? Oh. yeah. We've asked students of Canadian origin To introduce you to their culture and customs. So let's give them our undivided attention as they take us on a whirlwind journey through their diverse history. [hands microphone to Canadian kids]

We are the Hopewell and Abenaki, first settlers of Canadian soil, guy. [hands mic over to second group]

We are French and British explorers, seeking furs and goods. [Mr. Garrison walks up and takes the mic]

Yeah, and I'm Dan Rather, and I got news for you! Nobody wants you here! [long beat] Sorry not sorry! It's time for someone to say it like it is, and make our country great again!

Garrison, what do you think you're—?!

And I'm also not afraid to stand up to PC Principal! You, sir, have a pizza face and you suck your mom's dick!

[beat] That's it, Garrison! You are fired from South Park Elementary!

Oh, see? And now I'm fired! That's the cold, hard truth of immigration! Well, there's only one immigration policy that I believe in, and that's f**k them all to death!! [all students gasp] I'm just saying what everyone's thinking here, kids! Sorry not sorry!

Stan

Dude, the Canadians are pissed off.

Token

Can you really blame them?

[dances to the song, sees Mr. Garrison come in and stops] What?? [turns off the music] Hey! How did a US citizen get past my wall?!

I came here to find out where my country gone!

Where your country gone? Where'd my country gone?!

No, where MY country gone, bitch?!

Nobody talks to me like that, buddy! [goes around his desk]

Nobody talks to me like that, friend! [they begin to fight on the carpet] Eurgh! Yeah?

Stupid-! Unh!

Little asshole!

This is why I built that wall!

You think you can-? Hey! Here you go! Here you go! Look, guy, I came here to do one thing!

Hey, what the-? Aah! Hey, that pokes, buddy! Aah!

Oh my God, guy.

Please! Please, I can't- Oh. NO! No please, NO! NO! Ohhh! Ohhh! Nooo!

[as Mr. Garrison splashes water on him] Hey, fuck you.

Wake up, dickhead.

Garrison? What the hell is wrong with you?

I'll tell you what's wrong with me. There's enemies to humanity out there wantin' to put an end to all of us, and there's assholes like you helpin' them out!

I don't know what you're talking about.

Whose idea was it to revitalize the shitty part of town into an arts-and-foods district called Shi Tpa Town?

All right, it was kind of my idea.

Son of a bitch.

What? To take one area of town that was crappy and gentrify it for the local people to enjoy? I thought we could keep it contained!

It doesn't contain. What's happened to South Park is happening everywhere. [takes out an album book] Thirty miles south of here in the town of Fairplay, they've changed the area north of downtown into NODOFOPA. A run-down area south of the capital in Cheyenne, Wyoming, is now historic SOCACHEYWO. Channel Street in mid-Chicago is being revitalized into Chimichanga.

Oh my God.

LODO, SOBRO, RIVMO… All happening at the same time. And it isn't just in the U.S. In Cairo, the area northwest of the third pyramid is NoWe3Pi. Three miles north of Auschwitz is NoMoAuchie. It goes on and on!

What does it mean?

In our town it all started when PC Principal arrived. He's part of a much larger conspiracy, and you're his lackey.

Kyle

[on the phone with Mr. Garrison as Donald Trump] Yes, This is Millennials Against Canada.

Yeah, listen, this thing's kind of escalating. You people need to call it quits.

Kyle

We can't do that, Mr. President. Someone has to do what's right.

What exactly do you want?

Kyle

What do I want? I want a world... where laughter doesn't come at someone else's expense. Where people can live freely without fear of being farted on. I want a world where you aren't ridiculed for trying to help. A world where a nice girl that I liked isn't turned into another Eric Cartman! These Canadians are in the way of that world, and everything they do and everything they have done needs to be ERASED from the Earth!

Jeez, I got a little chub.

What's this all about? Did we do something wrong?

[turns around, facing the family] God damn right you did something wrong! Our public school system is dying and you tutors are trying to take advantage of it!

But we were just trying to be like you!

You'll never be like me! I've been a teacher for over 30 years! I'm just trying to get my old life back and assholes keep getting in my way!

But we have to tell children the truth! They have to know!

They have to know what?!

About-- about the whole thing! About the vaccinations! That the pandemic was blown out of proportion!

That Venezuelan socialists switched out circuit boards from voting machines in 12 states!

Good, sweetie! [looks back up at Mr. Garrison] Don't you understand everything is being manipulated!

[turns around] Everyone's being manipulated... So that's why everyone in town is being such an inconsiderate jerk about me coming back?

Yes. They don't want people to like you. They need people to hate you!

Who are they?

They're the elites. They do whatever they want and they feed on the pain and torture of children! And if anybody starts to care, they'll just cut us off when we tell the truth!

Don't give in to them! They're trying to make a joke of everything! That's what they do!

How do the elites control Mr. Service's balls?

You still don't get it, do you?! They don't just drink adrenochrome, they run the show! The whole damn show! [a cursor appears suddenly, messing with his appearance] It comes down to two people -- Oh, you don't like that, do you?! That's getting a little close to home, huh?! You can't control me anymore, you sons of bitches! [cursor continues to alter him in various ways] They're making fun of me to try and discredit my beliefs! [Is transformed into an obese woman wearing a dress, then a large penis] Oh, you don't like that, do you!? Don't want the world to know that!

Listen! Listen, whoever you are! I don't give a shit what you do!

What?! What are you saying?!

Please! I just want my old life back!

[turned into a pig] No, stop! They're monsters!

I don't care what you do to kids, I just want people to like me again!

You son of a bitch! Aah! [runs towards Garrison]

AAH! Mr. Service! [show freezes; whole frame turns, revealing multiple layers of animation; walking back and forth] Ah, oh, okay, what the hell is this? Hey, come back! [frame turns back to normal, albeit mirrored] How would you like to make a deal?

Hey! Hold on a second, everybody! [grunting as he drags Bob White behind him, who is been turned into a giant penis] I think I can help things out here!

Stan

What the heck is that?

It's him! It's the chosen one!

He's come to save us all like the prophecy foretold on the internet!

Wait, he's the chosen one?

Listen! Listen, everybody. I -- I think I owe you all a big apology. I came in here expecting everything to just go back to normal, but... we've all been through the proverbial butthole of hardships lately. I thought we could all just magically be friends again. But relationships are very fragile things. And in times of crises when we need each other most, it's sometimes when we grow furthest apart. But through it all, Mr. White here has taught me a very important lesson. Make sure you're on the side of the people with the most power. And so, I've worked out a deal with some pretty powerful people... [looks up at the sky] Alright, boys, do your thing! [Low bass tone sounds, and as fireworks explode in the air, an Air Israel plane appear] It's Air Israel with enough vaccines for every adult in town!

[injecting himself] Hey, Garrison, good job!

[as Linda injects him] Yeah, you're alright, Garrison!

[laughs] Oh, jeez. Thanks, everybody.

Ugh. Ugh, God, I can't take it, Rick!

Rick

What's the matter?

Oh, it's just grading these stupid papers all the time! I have to read 'em all and comment on each one of them. Jesus Christ. Something's changed, and now a few of the kids are writing these really long, detailed essays. I don't know what's going on. I guess I've just taught them really well, maybe a bit too well.