GMr. Garrison
Say, Mr. Slave...
GMr. Garrison
I had a dream last night that you were a real dick.
Really? Why would you dream that I was being an asshole?
GMr. Garrison
No, no. I was the asshole.
[school board start applauding, muttering how courageous he is, while the parents exchange shocked and horrified glances]
GMr. Garrison
[slightly nonplussed] Uh, I'm very happy to receive this award, but you know what makes me even happier? Sucking balls.
[school board applaud again]
GMr. Garrison
[whispering to Mr. Slave] It's not working. Sing your song, Mr. Slave.
[singing] I've got a little-- [stops] ooh, ooh ow, Jesus Christ, what the heck's happening in there?
[in Mr. Slave's stomach]
FKFrog King
[to Lemmiwinks, who's on a gyroscope] Hang on, Lemmiwinks! You solved the Catata Fish's riddle, now your trials are nearly through!
[back up top]
Aah! I should never have shoved those poor animals up my ass! [school board applaud again]
SBSchool Board Member
Courageous.
ASAnother School Board Member
So courageous.
GMr. Garrison
[finally losing his temper] God damn it, don't you people get it?! I'm trying to get fired here!
[beginning to slack off] Ugh. Ughuh. [tries to resume studying, but his eyes grow heavy. He panics] I can't do it! This is waaay too much material for a nine-year-old! [yawns loudly and promptly sleeps on his book]
[smacks Cartman] Oh, no, you don't, Cartman! Every time we get put in a study group, you sit on ass while the rest of us do all the work!
Well you guys are such better studiers than me, I know you can pull it off!
[pointing] You're gonna read this stuff and study like the rest of us!
[annoyed] Shut up and study!
[irritated] SHUT UP, FATASS!!
[gets angry now after being called fat] DON'T CALL ME FAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! [leap across the desk at Kyle, and they immediately started fighting. Stan and Kenny join in, the other kids start cheering]
GMr. Garrison
HEY, HEY!!! STOP THAT FIGHTING, RIGHT NOW!!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT?! GET OUT!!!! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CLASSROOM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
[celebrates] Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya! We've got out of schoooool! Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya!
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!
OH IT'S MY FAULT?! IT'S MY FAULT?!?!?!
YES, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOUR A LAZY PRICK!!
OH YEAH?! WELL AT LEAST WE'VE GOT OUT OF SCHOOL SO WE CAN HAVE A-
[Cartman and Kyle started to argue, Stan later joins in the argument, while Kenny watches]
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STARTED SLACKING OFF!!!
The boys are standing off against the Indian casino and their bulldozers about to level South Park. At first, they're on their own, but then they hear some singing in the distance that gets louder and louder - it's the entire adult population of South Park, marching down the street and from up on the rooftops, united to defend their town and defiantly singing "Love is a Battlefield" in a cappella.
CSCitizenry of South Park
We are strong
No one can tell us we're wrong
Searching our hearts for so lo-o-ong
All of us knowing
Love is a battlefield!
This land is not for sale.
Dammit! I thought you said they were dealt with!
CSChief's assistant
T-they were!
GMr. Garrison
Sorry, charlies! You can just keep your filthy, bastard, Indian money! [tears up a check]
[aside to Garrison] Filthy, bastard, Native American money.
GMr. Garrison
O-oh right, sorry about that!
GMr. Garrison
Mr. Tweek, why don't we go back to my place?
GMr. Garrison
Well, you know. I was just thinking we could put on some music and watch videos and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass.
Whoa! Goodness no. I'm straight.
GMr. Garrison
Straight? Jesus, what the heck is going on here?! Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt?
Well, we don't 'pound butt', Mr. Garrison, we're straight.
GMr. Garrison
Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!
Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.
GMr. Garrison
No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!
GMr. Garrison
Chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture?
CChef
Oh, well, we black people just always tried to stay out in front of them.
CChef
Well, like with our slang. Black people always used to say, "I'm in the house" instead of "I'm here." But then white people all started to say "in the house" so we switched it to "in the hizzouse." Hizzouse became hizzizzouse, and then white folk started saying that, and we had to change it to hizzle, then "in the hizzle" which we had to change to "hizzle fo shizzle," and now, because white people say "hizzle fo shizzle," we have to say "flippity floppity floop."
GMr. Garrison
We don't have time for all that, Chef! Oh, if only those Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people understood what they were doing. Wait. That's it! I know exactly what to do! Come on, Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippity floppity floop.
CChef
Oh no! Darn it! Don't call it that!
GMr. Garrison
Why don't you tell the children a little about yourself, Marjorine?
MMarjorine
I'm just a typical little girl. I like dancing, and ponies, and getting my snootch pounded on Friday nights.
GMr. Garrison
Now, Marjorine, that's not very ladylike. Us Colorado girls love to get pounded in the snizz just like any woman, but we keep it to ourselves.
GMr. Garrison
Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim. It's Friday night, but you can't have sex, and you can't jack off. There's sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and then some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well, you know what? I'd be pretty pissed off too!
Mr. Garrison, that is ignorant and racist! Muslims are mad because of Family Guy, not because they can't jack off! Right, Wendy? [Wendy is surprised]
GMr. Garrison
The key difference between men and women is that women can have babies. If you can't have babies, then you're a man.
Whoa, wait, hang on a second. My wife had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies.
GMr. Garrison
Well then get an AIDS test Thompson, 'cus your wife's a dude. Faggot! Yeah! I'm back!
How can there be no Internet anywhere? What's going on?!
Anybody got a Blackberry? Check Drudge Report.
Good idea! [takes out his cellphone] No wait, we can't check Drudge Report! There's no Internet!
GMr. Garrison
There has to be a way to find out what's going on.
We can't! Don't you get it?! There's no Internet to find out why there's no Internet!
GMr. Garrison
Eric, partner with Butters.
GMr. Garrison
Hold Butters' hand, Eric!
[Butters motions for Cartman to take his hand]
GMr. Garrison
Butters, you are not to let go of Eric's hand until you're both back on that bus! Do you understand?
I understand. [takes Cartman's hand]
GMr. Garrison
All right, let's head in. [leads the way]
You can let go now, Butters.
[the class is at the center of the village. Around it are a carriage house, the saloon, and the feed and tackle store]
GMr. Garrison
All right kids, go ahead and the visit the charming villagers and learn stuff. (And remember,) Keep track of your partner!
SStephen (Chris)
Look, I think we need to find a way out under the city.
GMr. Garrison
In the sewers? It can't be safe down there!
Oh, God. What are gonna do?
[A crashing sound is heard and some people start screaming]
GMr. Garrison
Something's inside the store!
MMan
Guinea rabbits! They're inside!
[Two guinea rabbits surround a man being bitten in half]
WWoman
[screaming in horror] TRAVIS! NO!
(It's too late!) You can't help him!
Bitch, you wanna make some motherfucking money?
Bitch, you should be doing kisses around the playground, you can make $50 a day! Buy all the purses and shoes that you've ever wanted. I'll treat you right, bitch.
[Butters doing schoolwork then spots Wendy]
[Wendy looks at Butters]
Bitch, don't you wanna start making some real fucking money?
[annoyed] Leave me alone!
Why you were made for the playground, bitch. You should be out there workin'. Don't you want a new lunch box? Nice new coat? I can get all that for you, bitch.
You can't call my girlfriend a bitch!
Oh. Well all I'm sayin' the bitch should be out there workin' is all. [turns to Wendy] Whatcha doing bitch? Just giving kisses to Stan for free? Why you should be making some motherfucking money!
Butters, seriously. If you don't stop this, I'll kick your ass!
[turns to Clyde] Clyde, heres a $100. If Stan comes near me, punch him.
Wowwee. [grabs the money from Butters]
[turns to Stan] Dude, we've created a monster.
Come on Wendy, you should be putting that mouth to work.
GMr. Garrison
Butters, Butters do you have a problem?
All these bitches are kissin' fellers, and they haven't figured out that they can be making some serious fucking money!
Kyle, every boy pay for kisses, do you know what i am saying? if you've got a girl and she's kissing you, sooner or later, you are paying for it. you gotta take her out to lunch, take to a movie, and then spend time listening to all her stupid problems. look, look at there, he's got to sit there and listen to her stupid motherfucking problems because she kisses him. If you ask me, that's a lot more than the $5 dollars my company charges.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
