[Mr. Garrison enters the Fourth Grade classroom with a box of books]
Okay, kids, lets take our seats. There has been a change in school policy, and so I'm assigning you all a book to read.
Aw, a book? God, I hate those.
Now kids, this book is very controversial, and has just been taken off the banned books list.
It's called "Catcher in the Rye", and it has some very risque parts...
[Mr. Garrison starts handing copies out to the students]
And strong vulgar language...
And in fact many schools across the country still ban this book, because it's thought to be so inappropriate.
[starts reading excitedly] Oh, man, I can't wait!
Tonight I want you to read chapters 1 through 5, and tomorrow we'll discuss the...
No, no, come on let's read it now!
Mr. Garrison, didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book?
[irritated] Yes, apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by "Catcher in the Rye", but he was just a kook
Whoa! You're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate AND made a guy shoot the King of Hippies? Can we PLEASE read this, RIGHT NOW?
[angry] You will read it at home, and you will all be mature about it's adult themes and language!
[The class groan in unison]
[runs in, panicking] Guys, guys! We are totally fucked! The book is gone from my dresser drawer; my parents must have found it!
So why are we all fucked? They'll think you wrote it all!
[angrily] Hey, I'm not taking the heat for this alone! We all wrote it; if I'm going down, someone has to go down with me!
Well, if I'm going down, you're going down!
And if I'm going down, you are definitely going down!
Well dude, SOMEBODY has got to go down.
[Butters is confronted by the boys in the school hallways]
Butters, what the fuck do you think you're doing?
Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?
Butters, you know goddamn well you didn't write that book!
[a little angrily] But, you told me I did.
Yeah, but that's when we thought we were going to get in trouble, Million Dollar Abie.
[Red and Lola appear and defend Butters]
Hey, hey, you leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist.
LLola
[fondly] He's so brooding and full of angst.
[smugly] Yeah, I'm brooding.
Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit.
Oh, God, you guys are pathetic!
LLola
Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off Butters's success for once!
[the girls leave]
[frustrated] God damn it!
Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have--!
[snaps] No! Let me tell you something, fellas!! You ALWAYS take advantage of me. And after reading Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! [the boys look shocked at this sudden explosion] I'm not letting you trick me this time. So the four of you can just suck on my wiener. [Leaves]
[After a pause; in a shocked voice] What an inconsiderate jerk!
RReporter
[commenting on The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs] The book is full of disgusting words and acts, including Sarah Jessica Parker, who is mentioned 465 times. Matthew Broderick, are you upset your wife is made fun of so much in the book?
MBMatthew Broderick
Well, obviously. I just think it's wrong to make fun of anybody's physical appearance. My wife is a beautiful woman, and I know that most people agree with me.
RReporter
Uh-huh. And Matthew? How come a transvestite donkey witch is standing next to you, and why is it wearing a dress? [Parker simply blinks at the camera, but Broderick gets a stunned look on his face]
NRNews Reporter
[After Butters' book influences a lunatic to murder the Kardashians] Our nation is still reeling from the tragic deaths of the Kardashians. The shooter claims he was driven to commit the slaughter immediately after reading "The Poop that took a Pee" by Leopold "Butters" Stotch. It's all over; the Kardashians wiped out in the blink of an eye, all because one little PRICK had to go and write a book! [Butters is at his desk with his face buried in his arms, The news report is airing on the TV in the background] Leopold Stotch… I hope they BURY you! YOU EVIL FUCK!
[Stan and his friends enter Butters' room]
Dude, people are pissed off at you, Butters.
They're saying they're gonna ban both your books now, completely. You're not making any more money!
[lifts his head up, crying] You think I care about that?! My writing got the most beautiful woman in the world killed! I loved her! And if she died it was because of me!
Ah... Oh Butters, [steps forward] it'll be all right. Listen, we've all learned that people look for meaning in books. And sometimes, even if it isn't there, they'll try and invent their own meaning.
Yeah, dude, eh, that's why we all need to avoid books and stick to television.
Thang, thanks, fellas. I'll definitely never write again. I think I can get over this.
That's good, Butters, because, we need to tell you something.
[sighs heavily] You were sleepwalking again, and dressed Sarah Jessica Parker up in a moose suit. You left her in the forest and she got shot by a hunter.
Yep, sorry. You're gonna have to come down and admit it was you. [walks out of the room with the other boys]
Aw. Aw I got her killed too?? Aw uh, oh well, at least she was ugly. [leaves his desk and follows the other boys downstairs]
