[South Park Elementary; Mr. Garrison enters his classroom along with his students]
Okay children, let's take our seats. As you've probably noticed, our government has decided to let anyone who wants to cross the border and screw up our country! I know you're all as pissed off as I am, so why don't we begin today's lesson on why the once-great empire of Rome, fell to shit! Huh?! Who can tell my why Rome fell to shit?! [all the Canadian kids raise their hands] No, somebody who matters. [the Canadian students begin to clamor; puts his left hand over his nose and closes his eyes] Alright, fine, (you) in the orange shirt.
CKCanadian Kid #1
The Roman Empire, buddy, was facing ehh several issues, guy, and they reached a new millennium, friend, and rather-
[irritated] Oh, speak in English! [turns around and begins writing on the chalkboard] You see, what happened is that these immigrants called the Goths were welcomed into Roman territories because some people felt bad for them. [another Canadian boy checks his watch and hops off his seat, opens a small case and pulls out a trumpet] And then the Goths suddenly decided they were being oppressed, you see, and so then- [the boy begins to play "Feels So Good" by Chuck Mangione; turns around] What the hell are you doing? [the other Canadian kids get out of their seats and whip out their trumpets to play the song]
CKCanadian Kid #2
It's 8:00 A.M., guy.
[loses his temper, then throws his notes, and the chalk] That's it! Why don't you canucks go back where you came from?! [they stop and look aghast at him]
Where has my country gone?
Where has my country gone?
It was a land of opportunity that we held dear
But now all these other assholes are coming here.
And where's my country gone?
It was just here like, two seconds ago
Cause when they said that this was the land of the free
I'm pretty sure that they were referring to me.
And my country's gone!
It got upset and now it's wandered away
It took forty-three Presidents to make us stand tall
And just one black guy to unravel it all.
Country gone!
Please tell it that we need her back home
There's a great big hole in the liberty bucket
Cause someone forgot to tell the foreigners to suck it
And now they're all hanging out on my lawn...
[three Canadians play "Feels So Good" with their flugelhorns]
And now they're ruining my song
Making it sound like Chuck Mangione
Where's my country gone?
All right, everyone, listen up. In order for better understanding, we've asked students of Canadian origin to introduce you to their culture and—HEY, LESLIE, SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!!!! Now where was I? Oh. yeah. We've asked students of Canadian origin To introduce you to their culture and customs. So let's give them our undivided attention as they take us on a whirlwind journey through their diverse history. [hands microphone to Canadian kids]
CKCanadian Kids 1
We are the Hopewell and Abenaki, first settlers of Canadian soil, guy. [hands mic over to second group]
CKCanadian Kids 2
We are French and British explorers, seeking furs and goods. [Mr. Garrison walks up and takes the mic]
Yeah, and I'm Dan Rather, and I got news for you! Nobody wants you here! [long beat] Sorry not sorry! It's time for someone to say it like it is, and make our country great again!
Garrison, what do you think you're—?!
And I'm also not afraid to stand up to PC Principal! You, sir, have a pizza face and you suck your mom's dick!
[beat] That's it, Garrison! You are fired from South Park Elementary!
Oh, see? And now I'm fired! That's the cold, hard truth of immigration! Well, there's only one immigration policy that I believe in, and that's f**k them all to death!! [all students gasp] I'm just saying what everyone's thinking here, kids! Sorry not sorry!
[Later in the school hallway, the Canadian kids walk off angrily]
Dude, the Canadians are pissed off.
Can you really blame them?
CPCanadian President
[dances to the song, sees Mr. Garrison come in and stops] What?? [turns off the music] Hey! How did a US citizen get past my wall?!
I came here to find out where my country gone!
CPCanadian President
Where your country gone? Where'd my country gone?!
No, where MY country gone, bitch?!
CPCanadian President
Nobody talks to me like that, buddy! [goes around his desk]
Nobody talks to me like that, friend! [they begin to fight on the carpet] Eurgh! Yeah?
CPCanadian President
Stupid-! Unh!
CPCanadian President
This is why I built that wall!
You think you can-? Hey! Here you go! Here you go! Look, guy, I came here to do one thing!
CPCanadian President
Hey, what the-? Aah! Hey, that pokes, buddy! Aah!
CPCanadian President
Please! Please, I can't- Oh. NO! No please, NO! NO! Ohhh! Ohhh! Nooo!
