[South Park Community Center; all the adults gather for a meeting with Dr. John Garner]
JGJohn Garner
Hello everyone, my name is John Garner and I'm a nutrition advisor from the USDA. I want to clarify the USDA's position on a healthy diet. There's been a lot of confusion about gluten lately. People saying that gluten is the cause of cancer, gluten should be avoided, gluten can make your dick fly off, but let's set the record straight.
[To Gerald] Make your dick fly off?
JGJohn Garner
People believe that omitting gluten will make you healthier, but of course, that's a bunch of hooey. Hooey is the preservative found in processed foods, that we now believe is the main culprit of obesity. You might say "Well there's fat in butter too," but that's just poppycock. Poppycock first came from India and is the key ingredient in red meat which we now realize is good for you along with hooey. The good hooey, not the bad hooey. So what is gluten?
JGJohn Garner
Simply put, gluten is the protein found in flour when you take all the starch away. [holds up a stalk of wheat]. Flour is of course, just wheat, and when you add a liquid to flour, you get dough. [grabs a wad of dough] Dough that makes breads, doughnuts, pasta, and all the hooey-free foods that humans enjoy. [puts the dough into a special washer. The extract going through a distillation process] Now, if we wash the dough of all its starch, we can actually distil the wheat down, minus the water, minus the starch, and what we're left with is pure gluten. Not a bio-weapon, just harmless flour protein.
[Short pause]
If it's not dangerous, then eat that pure concentrated gluten, okay?
JGJohn Garner
Yeah. Alright. [Sips the gluten up. After a few seconds he contorts and groans in pain, burns began to appear throughout his body. The audience began to panic, then his groin begins to set off electrical sparks. His penis wriggles out and soon launches itself like a rocket]
Oh, you see that? His dick's flyin' off.
[In the midst of panic and chaos, the people leave the Community Center. Dr. John Garner's body deflates behind while his penis flies above them]
[Papa John's (Gluten Quarantine Center 1), Stan approaches]
[appears through a window] Stan! ...Hey! ...How's my boy? Daddy's gonna be all right. Okay?
Yeah. Dad, you know that guy at work you is Lorde's uncle or something?
I can't touch you or hug you, but... but I'm right with you. Do you understand?
Yeah. You remember you said that Lorde, the singer, her uncle worked with you?
How's your mom? Your, your sister?
SSoldier
[walks up next to him and begins tugging at him] This is a quarantined area, kid. You're, you're gonna have to go.
No, no, no, not yet. DAD!
That's my son, you bastard!
SSoldier
I'm sorry, all right?!
Dad, who's the guy at work that knows Lorde? Let me go! DAD!
They're just gonna let us starve to death?
They don't care about us. face it! We're already dead to them.
[makes up his mind] Well then, I guess I might as well eat! [walks towards the storage room]
There's nothing left, I told you!
There's plenty of pizza dough.
I'm crazy hungry! [takes a wad of dough and begins eating it] Oh... Oh... Fuck, it's so good. [Randy and Mr. Garrison wait for the other shoe to drop] I want more! It's, it's been so long! [gets more dough and eats voraciously]
Oh my God, you... but... you're okay.
You don't think it's a little ridiculous that wheat protein is toxic? This whole thing was a setup, man!
Oh my God, we... we have to get a hold of someone who and get the word out.
Maybe Papa John can help us. If we can get a hold of them, then maybe we can-- [his penis quickly flies off and dies]
Ng-oh. [snaps his fingers]
RHRadio Host
Now, this party is also for a good cause, because it's to honor a little boy with diabetes, Scott Malkinson. Is that correct?
Yeah, you know, diabetes affects us all, but it mostly affects Scott Malkinson.
[Deleted Scene]
Did anyone notice that the brownies taste like shit today?
Yeah. You guys just want to go out to recess?
The playground's burned down, dude.
Playground's burned down, everyone hates us, brownies taste like shit. Everything just sucks right now!
[pounds his fists on the table] That's it. I'm not gonna just sit here and be miserable. It's time for me to start acting like a man. [leaves the table and walks towards Clyde] Hey, Clyde, how come you told Wendy I said I was gonna be "dripping in bitches?!"
Because that's what you said.
That's not what I meant and you know it! I thought you were supposed to be my friend!
Was that before or after you told me to fuck myself?
TELL HER YOU LIED, ASSHOLE!
[runs up, breaking them up] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Cool it down, dude. This isn't gonna get us anywhere.
Kind of like your start-up company.
[After a short pause, Kyle punches him in the face, having to have heard that]
[Token, Jimmy, Craig, Clyde, Stan, and Kyle start fighting as all the students cheer; Cartman runs up punches Token, also joining in; Later, all the boys (except Jimmy) are in Mr. Mackey's office]
Now, I don't know who threw the first punch or who started this whole thing, but I assure you, that whatever it takes, will get to the bottom of this, m'kay?! Now, Clyde, what did you have for lunch?
Did you eat the school lunch, or did you pack a lunch?
