[The students and parents are all assembled in an emergency meeting at the school cafeteria at night]
[speaking into the microphone] Alright, parents and students, please take your seats. [Randy gleefully throws a crumpled up piece of paper at him] M'kay, m'kay. Now as you (all) know, there was an incident at the school last week involving a student referring to rape as a "Hot Cosby," m'kay? [several people laugh] Listen, listen! Principal Victoria has been fired.
VMVarious Men
What? Fired?
And a new person has been appointed to try and make South Park Elementary a more... progressive place that... fits in with today's times. Heh m'kay? So please welcome... PC Principal.
All right, listen up. My name is PC Principal. I don't know about you, but frankly I'm sick and tired of how minority groups are marginalized in today's society. I'm here because this place is lost in a time warp! Students who still use the word "retarded"! A teacher who said women without wombs should get an AIDS test!
Oh, I was a lesbian then.
A chef "person of color" who the children had sing soul songs and who the children drove to kill himself!
No, he got brainwashed by a cult.
And that's two days' detention for you, young man, we'll see you at 4.
Let me ask you this. We're in Colorado, right? Where are the Hispanic kids? Huh? Where are the ethnic and racial minorities?
Well, we got Tolkien. He's black.
And that's two days' detention for you, Mackey, congratulations.
I Googled South Park before I came here, and I cannot believe the shit you're getting away with! People claiming to be advocates of transgender rights, but really just wanting to use the women's bathroom! A white man who thinks he's Chinese and built a wall to keep out Mongolians!
Ohhhh, I hate-a Mongorians!
What the fuck is this? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm telling you all, this is done! Like it or not, PC is back, and it's bigger than ever! Woowoowoo! You hear that? That's the sound of 2015 pulling you over, people! Suck it!
Uhm, hi, I'm Gerald, Kyle Broflovski's father?
Have a seat. I've been talking with your child, and we're gonna be giving him two weeks' detention.
Wh-what's this about, Kyle?
Your son said some things to a fourth-grade girl that frankly make me wanna puke. Now that I'm principal, I'm not gonna allow [pounds desk] anyone at this school to be made feel unsafe and harassed!
You'll have to excuse my language. [picks up a report and clears his throat] "I don't think Caitlyn Jenner is a hero."
[no reaction from Gerald or Kyle. PC Principal starts shaking in repressed rage]
This kind of trans-phobic and bigoted hate speech isn't going to fly here, Bro! Well, I thought we were all on board that Caitlyn Jenner is an amazing, [quickly stands up] beautiful woman who had the exquisite bravery of a butterfly flying against the wind, AND THEN THIS SHIT COMES OUT OF PEOPLE'S MOUTHS!!
[beat] PC Principal, I-I'm sure Kyle was just referring to Bruce Jenner as a person, a-and not trying to say anything against—
You got a problem, Mr. Broflovski?
Bruce Jenner? Oh. Wait a second. Wait a second! Cuz it's not Bruce Jenner!! IT'S CAITLYN!! AND SHE'S A FUCKING STUNNING WOMAN!! Or maybe you're the one teaching him to demean women in the first place! HUH!? What's up? What's fucking up, bro?
Look, maybe we can all just ta—
[flips his desk] GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, DUDE!!!
[meets PC Principal] Oh, PC Principal. How are you today?
Doing good. What are you doing in the faculty bathroom?
You know, I think you and I got off on the wrong foot the other day. By all means, please, keep your dick out. You see, I'm not going to accept four days of detention, and... you're going to apologize publicly for being so strict to me and my friends at school.
What the frack are you talking about?
It's just a request, that's all. See you around. Oh, you seem to have dropped something, PC Principal. [picks up a pair of underwear] What's this? Why, this is a little boy's underwear. [sniffs it] Why, this is Butters's underwear.
PC Principal, you have Butters's underwear? And now— [sloshes underwear in the urinal] Oh my gosh, it's got your DNA all over it. This certainly doesn't look good for you. I don't need to tell anyone about this. No, I think we have an understanding. Capiche?
[pause] What did you just say?
You mean about keeping your dick out?
"Capiche"? You're associating Italian-Americans to intimidation tactics?! You better watch your microaggressions, bro!
O-Kay. Look, you don't want to end up like the spokesman for Subway, do you?
Did you just use a term that excludes women from an occupation?! [picks Cartman up]
Okay, let's back up. [gets slammed against the stall] AAAHHH! [PC Principal slams him several times into the wall next to the mirror]
Wait a second. DID YOU JUST SAY "SPOKESMAN" INSTEAD OF "SPOKESPERSON"? WHEN WOMEN ARE JUST AS CAPABLE OF SELLING SANDWICHES AS ANYONE? [smashes Cartman into the mirror] ARE YOU PURPOSELY TRYING TO USE WORDS THAT ASSERT YOUR MALE PRIVILEGE? [smashes Cartman's head into a sink]
No, I'm sorry! I was just trying to frame you for raping Butters!
DO YOU THINK ITALIAN-AMERICANS AND WOMEN ARE LESS IMPORTANT? [throws Cartman on the floor]
[punches Cartman to a bloody pulp] YOU DARE USE WORDS THAT ALIENATE TWO COMMUNITIES OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO DEAL WITH VERBAL BIASES LIKE YOURS ON A DAILY BASIS?
