Sweetie, marriages are like water heaters. They sit peacefully for years, until they explode in a fireball, ruining everything you own.
S29Mr. Lisa's Opus
S29Gone Boy
Nothing good ever comes from trying.
S29Haw Haw Land
OOtto
I brought my stems.
[Otto opens his coat to reveal a bag with stems in it]
SGSecurity Guard
Sir, this is a conference of science, technology, engineering, and math. [the points to a STEM sign]
[Otto walks to a DOPE sign]
OOtto
But what about this one?
[Dr. Hibbert walks out of the room next to the DOPE sign]
Dialogue on pedriatric education.
S29Frink Gets Testy
I need you to tell me who is worthy of surviving the Apocalypse with me. I only want the sharpest razors in this town's Halloween candy.
S29Homer is Where the Art Isn't
Did you know we had to lay off a third of the police force? That's right: Eddie.
I used to have a gun!
MManacek
Your story had everything: a field trip, a dream sequence, Sideshow Mel.
S29No Good Read Goes Unpunished
We're going to spend family time together without watching TV.
Mom is right - Americans watch way too much TV. How many hours? Let me Google that. [uses her iPhone and laughs] Instead of TV, I typed "TB"! Let me Google that!
[The family all start using their iPhones and consoles, to Marge's annoyance]
Turn off the devices, pronto!
"Pronto!" Odd word. Let me Google that.
Hey, I'm doing something educational.
Educational, my foot! I saw pixels.
It's Tunnelcraft. A simulated world, where you explore, mine resources, and work with friends to build replicas of real buildings.
Can you die in it?
Yes.
It's a video game!
[The Simpsons are in a book store]
[reading book title] "Man-Killing Snakes of the Amazon".
LOLibrary Owner
Sir! Never say "Amazon" in a book store!
Something that started decades ago and was applauded and inoffensive is now politically incorrect... What can you do? [glances at a picture of Apu]
Some things will be dealt with at a later date.
If at all.
S29King Leer
If the beer's in a frosted mug, you're not alcoholic, you're an aficionado.
Homer, what's your favorite movie?
Fast and Furious 6.
And what's the theme of that movie?
Cars.
What was the OTHER theme?
[gasps] Family.
S29Lisa Gets the Blues
Well, we did it, kids. And the best thing is, the next episode will beat Gunsmoke.
What about all the episodes they made on the radio?
[mad] Have a beignet.
S29Forgive and Regret
Oh, I hate confrontation.
[shivers then nervously glances at Bart]
So just leave your body.
Ok.
[Lisa leaves her body and appears as a spirit]
Oh my god! - Hey!
[camera pans downward to see Bart slapping Lisa's face. Lisa possesses herself back and pushes Bart]
S29Left Behind
[plays Christian parody rock music in the car]
Maybe we should talk.
Well, of course, my friend! Wanna talk about Jesus?
No.
Wanna talk about Ecclesiastes?
No.
Wanna talk about baby Jesus?
[turns Christian rock back on]
S29Flanders' Ladder
[As the family hook up the VCR]
Gross, the remote has a cord on it!
My first remote. Coincidentally, the same time I got fat.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.