Look Marge, they're paying me to eat!
Yeah, now if we can get someone to pay you for scratching your butt, we'd be on Easy Street!
[turns red in anger] Why, you little- [angrily strangles Bart]
S11Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?
[Homer and Lisa are dining at a rotating restaurant]
The food is exquisite.
And the view is... [the restaurant rotates to show a water fountain] beautiful... [the restaurant rotates to show a church] inspirational....[the restaurant rotates to Patty and Selma's apartment, where the two are in sports bras and sweatpants, exercising in front of the TV] nauseating...[groans and passes out]
C1Critic #1
[to Homer] Everything's a rave. "Nine thumbs up", what the hell is that?
The food at the Gilded Truffle really ... What's a good word?
[sucks on pacifier]
Sucks! That's great! And the bread was really ... Come on, help me out here!
SSSanta's Little Helper
Ruff!
Rough? I don't know, you've been pitching that all night.
SSSanta's Little Helper
Chewy?
Chewy! That's inspired!
Homer is out of control. He gave me a bad review. So my friend put a horse head on the bed. He ate the head and gave it a bad review! True Story.
MMcAllister
Argh, well I've had it with Homer. His bad reviews are sinking our businesses.
AAkira
Then, why did you put yours in the window?
MMcAllister
Argh, it's covered up the 'D' from the health inspector.
MMan
Well, I say we ban Homer from our restaurants.
AAkira
No, that would be impolite. I say we kill him!
ISIzzy's Deli Chef
Hold on a minute. Are we changing to murderers.
MMcAllister
Does that answer your question?
AAkira
We'll kill him at the taste of Springfield Festival. We'll make him eat until he can eat no more. Then, he can have just dessert.
FCFrench Chef
This will be Homer Simpson's last lagniappe.
MMan
Come on, you're going to kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change!
FCFrench Chef
This éclair is over one million calories. Twenty-five pounds of butter per square inch. Covered with chocolate so dark that light cannot escape its surface. [The chefs reach for the picture] No, no, no! This is just a picture. But Homer Simpson will find the real thing both delicious and deadly.
AAkira
Ah, yes, Death by Chocolate.
FCFrench Chef
...and poison, I'll stick in some poison. [Restaurant Owners Laughing Evilly]
Only your father can take up a part-time job in a small town newspaper and end up the target of international assassins.
S11Treehouse of Horror X
[about the aliens' episode introduction] So what do aliens have to do on Halloween?
[in Kang's voice] Silence! [shoots Lisa with her raygun]
It's impossible! I killed you!
[Chuckles] You can't kill the undead, silly.
[after the funeral] We just got away with murder and it's so easy! [spots Milhouse with the kite] You know, I never liked that little wiener Milhouse. [attempts to run over Milhouse]
[puts a stop to Homer's driving] No more murders!
So you were going to kill us!
[Chuckles] Yeah.
[Everyone enjoys a hearty laugh. The clouds part, to reveal the moon. Flanders immediately transforms into were-Flanders and growls at Homer]
I want the news, not the weather.
[He turns to Marge to brag about his zing. She isn't there. Marge and the kids are running away, several hundred yards down the road]
WFWerewolf Flanders
Diddily!
[At camera focuses on the moon, Flanders chased Homer, Flanders attacks Homer. There's a pause in the carnage]
Eyes bigger than your stomach, eh, Wolfie?
[He speaks too soon, as Flanders resumes eating Homer, screaming, at the end of the first segment]
Yes, over here, n'hey, n'hey. In episode BF12, you were battling barbarians while riding a winged Appaloosa, yet in the very next scene, my dear, you're clearly atop a winged Arabian. Please do explain it.
LLLucy Lawless
Ah, yeah, well, whenever you notice something like that, a wizard did it.
I see, all right, yes, but in episode AG4 —
LLawless
Wizard.
[under breath] Aw, for glaven out loud.
CThe Collector
Stop right there! I have here the only working phaser ever built; it was fired only once...to keep William Shatner from making another album!
[The world descends into chaos due to Homer's negligence]
Oh, well. Those ivory tower eggheads have screwed us again.
[The Simpsons walk through Springfield as chaos ensues]
Well, look at the wonders of the computer age now.
Wonders, Lisa? Or blunders?
I think that was implied by what I said.
Implied, Lisa? Or implode?
Mom, make him stop.
[Trying to pass himself off as smart to let himself onto the rocket to Mars] Surely, you must know me! I'm, uh...the piano genius from the movie Shine!
RSRocket Security Guard
[Unconvinced] Uh-huh. And your name is...
Uh...Shiney McShine?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.